Friday, February 5, 2010

Heeeeerrrreeee's Mr. Romance!!!

By Jeanne Adams and Brad Parks.

I had the wonderful and amusing fortune to meet mystery suspense author Brad Parks through our Wednesday Guest, Hank Phillipi Ryan. Serendipity, I must say. A fabulous debut book, a wicked sense of humor and a friend of Hanks. Hmmmm. Pretty good start.

*note...this is slightly naughty!*

So Brad decided he'd like to talk with you today about being Mr. Romance. Hey, it's February. THAT month, you know...*whispers* Valentines! So without further ado, heeeerrreee's Brad!

Hello Romance Bandits!

They've told me it can't be done.

They've told me I'll just embarrass myself.

They've told me I'm dorky and balding and my workout program looks like it was designed by Ben & Jerry.

Yes, the critics are saying all these things and more about my darkhorse candidacy to win the title Mr. Romance at the RT Booklovers Convention in Columbus, Ohio this coming April.

Jeanne: He'll be up against the Golden Rooster...this should be interesting!

And perhaps it's too much for a middle-aged author - a mostly sedentary, keyboard-bound, washed-up jock who can't do more than seventy...okay fifty...okay, forty pushups - to dream of becoming the next Mr. Romance.

But I think I've got a shot.

Because maybe - just maybe - I have a secret weapon.

For those of you unfamiliar with the Mr. Romance Pageant you can check it out here: http://guest.event.com/EVENTS/Info/Custom.aspx?cid=36&e=39f9fb57-5ebc-49a4-b572-a2316b792e98 at RT Booklovers, it's an annual competition for romance novel cover models. The winner - usually some long-haired Fabio-wannabe who appears to have been carved from marble - gets a nice little check and an appearance on the cover of a book.

For those of you unfamiliar with me, I'm the author, as Jeanne said, of FACES OF THE GONE, a mystery thriller - with a side of romance.

Jeanne: I'm butting in again to say that you can check it out at http://www.bradparksbooks.com/, and that Library Journal calls it "the most hilariously funny and deadly serious mystery debut since Janet Evanovich's One for the Money!"

Ahem, yes. Well, I'm aiming to be Mr. Romance. Really, what do those guys have that I don't? You know, besides six-pack abs, a garter-snake-like vein running down my biceps and a heroic jaw. And good hair (unless by "good" you mean "wiry and thinning"). And good looks (yeah, my mom thinks I'm cute, but that's not going to get it done here). And smoldering eyes (I have nice blue eyes, but they've never once come close to combusting).


Still, I'm hoping what I lack in physical ability, I make up for elsewhere. I mean, I've got an Ivy League degree. I sing. I've got two children under the age of three, so I can change a diaper in less than 12 seconds while blindfolded.

Chicks dig that stuff too, right?

(Jeanne: Well, having just finished potty-training my youngest, I'm impressed with it!)

Besides, I'm not in terrible shape. I ran a marathon (once). I swim (when it's not too cold). I might even have six-pack abs (hiding under a layer of, ummm, thick skin.) I'm 6-foot-1, 185 pou..actually, hang on...scale, where's the scale?...okay, here we go...Oh, crap! 195? When in the name of holiday sugar cookies did THAT happen?

Okay, so after a few weeks of subsisting on Saltines and chicken soup, I'll be back at 185 pounds. And I've got three months to tone things up a bit.

I mean, sure, if it turns into a pull-up contest, I'm still toast. But if it comes down to vocabulary, grammar or singing arpeggios, I'm totally going to mash those meatheads.

Just to see what my competition might be like, I started doing some research - Research! Ha! There's another something those muscle hunks can't do! - on what my competition might look like.

Mr. Romance 2005 was Andrei Claude (http://www.andreiclaude.com/) In the "About" section of his website, it notes, "As you may observe Andrei might not possess such an overwhelming muscle mass, it is his overall shape, proportion and symmetry that make his physique and form so inspiring. It is the quality and not the quantity that separates the best from the rest."

Now, ignoring for the moment that the first sentence (which I quoted exactly) is an egregious run-on, I think this gives me some hope. Quality over quantity? I can do that.

Mr. Romance 2006 was Rodney Chatman, who looks like Taye Diggs only with a better body. Ladies, I'm as straight as the day is long, but even I can admit he's gorgeous. Check him out: www.romantictimes.com/resources_covermodels.php?id=362 He's got a 44-inch chest and a 33-inch waist, which basically makes the letter V look paunchy by comparison.

And...okay, stop drooling, ladies. Yes, I mean YOU Mariska! You'll short out your keyboard.

Jeanne: ZZZZzzzzt! Oops, yeah, he's right, Mariska. Watch out for drool on the keys....

Anyhow, where was I? Ah, yes, Mr Romance 2007, Jason Santiago. www.romantictimes.com/resources_covermodels.php?id=439 Jason was your basic 25-year-old pretty boy. But I'm here to say he came on a little too strong. He listed his hometown as "Akron, Ohio, aka the Rubber City."

The "rubber" city? Really, pal? Could you try to be a little more subtle? Or should I just list my hometown as "Ridgefield, aka the Cunnilingus Capital of Connecticut" and hope it carries me to the title?

My point in all this is, I think I have a legit shot against these tight-T-shirt-wearing, protein-shake-chugging knuckle-draggers.

But only with your help.

See, that's my secret weapon. It's all of you Banditas, (Jeanne: And Bandita Buddies!) I mean, the judges are going to be women, right? And I figure with the advice and wisdom you'll impart to me in the comments section here today at Romance Bandits, you'll tell me everything I need to know.

It's not like I have to worry about my competition, that they'll be lurking on here, cherry-picking the best stuff. From what I've seen, the Golden Rooster and I are the only uh...dare I say it...cocks in this roost?

Jeanne: Ooooh, I think P226 and a couple of others might be lurking 'round to gainsay you...we'll see!

Oh, c'mon, Jeanne! Seriously, when was the last time a dude guest-posted here? Not that I want any competition mind you. Hanging out with all you Banditas, I get to live the dream of being the only guy in a bar full of hot women!

Jeanne: *shaking head* Men. Sometimes...

So, please, let me have it. Do you think I have a chance to win Mr. Romance? What tips and pointers can you give me? What will it take to win your hearts?

121 comments:

mariska said...

:)

Christine Wells said...

Hi Brad, a hearty welcome to the lair! Killed myself laughing at your post and I think any man with such a wonderfully self-deprecating sense of humour would definitely win my vote for Mr. Romance. I think you've got it all sorted, actually. Advice? Hmm...

Don't forget the baby oil?

Karyn Gerrard AKA~Drew said...

I don't know Brad, unless there is a diaper changing competition *shrug*

However, I will reserve judgment until I see you with the 'open shirt shoved off his shoulders' look so we can count the packs (there should be six!) and to check for that garter snake vein that is an absolute must!

Nice picture at your site, I agree with your mom, you're cute!
But I am not seeing the dark, smoldering thing going on...

I suggest taking some shirtless, brooding, smoldering shots, and we can touch them up a'la '300', to give you that veiny, hairless, rippling, lean muscular look that seems to be the craze! I can have photoshop at the ready!!

As for your book, funny and a mystery? Wonderful. A sense of humor is important, you can always charm the judges, and us!
Cheers and best of luck, listen, if I was a judge, I would vote for you in a heartbeat!

Donna MacMeans said...

Hot chick here...I figure as long as we're talking fantasies (grin).

Tip #1 - You're going to have to dance. There's a costume ball every night at RT so how's the moves, Brad?

Anna Campbell said...

Brad, I'd vote for you - seriously! Because you make me laugh! In a good way (not in a you've got chook poo on your shirt kinda way although that would probably make me laugh too - clearly I'm not one of those sophisticated girls who only titter at jokes about Sartre!). And you can sing! Forget the six pack!

Well...

Oh, no, I'm SOOOOOO shallow!

Seriously, Jeanne and Brad, that post cracked me up, especially about that place in Connecticut. That's not exactly how I'd pictured New England!

limecello said...

lol - Jeanne and Brad, this was quite the post! Heh - makes me want to go to RT even more. And everyone knows I love my old stomping grounds of Cbus.
Also Brad... awe... don't hate on Akron. It... actually is the Rubber City. Goodyear and all those other companies were/are there. Although I think it'd be very interesting if you put that description of Ridgefield in a travel brochure O_o

I say give it a go - at least it'd make things interesting and entertaining, right?
And - regardless of outcome, you'll have to treat yourself to some of Jeni's Ice cream - best at North Market.

Louisa Cornell said...

Mariska stopped drooling long enough to catch the GR !!

This was just what I need after a long day of work at the place where People At Wal-Mart come from. SHUDDER !!

Hey, a sense of humor can take you a long way. And with a lot of women so can diaper changing talent.

And I DEFINITELY want to hear you sing, Brad!!

Duchesse, dear, thank you for bringing such a delightful guest to the Lair. Do you think we can enlist the cabana boys to coach Brad on how to walk and talk like a sex symbol ?? And p226 and the gladiators could design a workout program for him.

Hey, Brad, this might just be doable. And your Mom's right. You are cute !! Can't wait to read the book. I love a mystery with humor!

Helen said...

Congrats Mariska

Great post Brad not sure whether you can win it if you are up against the GR that could be a big ask LOL.

Seriously anyone who has a great sense of humour and can sing and can change a baby's nappy has my vote says someone who is coping with my 2 year old grand daughter at the moment and she wants me off this PC now LOL.

Have Fun
Helen

Jeanne (AKA The Duchesse) said...

Welcome Brad! You're in for a rowdy time of it, I fear. Ladies, he's a hoot-n-a-half, so let's let him have it....grins.

Jeanne (AKA The Duchesse) said...

hey Mariska! You're famous, you and the Chook. Grins.

Christine! Baby oil, eh? Hmmm....

Jeanne (AKA The Duchesse) said...

Drew, are you volunteering to check for that snake-like vein on the bicep?

Brad's book is a real winner too, though I'm not sure his mom thinks it's cute...What does your mom think about your book, Brad? Grins

Jeanne (AKA The Duchesse) said...

Hey Hot Chick Donna! As long as we're in fantasy mode, can I be svelte and sexy? Grins. I'll settle for just svelte.

Jeanne (AKA The Duchesse) said...

Anna...chook poo...snork.

Oh, my. You know, diet root beer will make the keyboard go zzzzzt too.

*sigh*

Jeanne (AKA The Duchesse) said...

Hey Lime! Had to LOL about the Ridgefield brochure. Yes, I do think that would make the city fathers - and mothers! - take notice if that appeared in the "Come...visit Ridgefield..." brochure.

Snork. Just re-read that...oh, my.

Jeanne (AKA The Duchesse) said...

Louisa, we are your antidote or is that antiWalMartidote?

My dear Duchess of Hotdayum, I'm here to tell you, you'd love the book. Yours truly, La Duchesse de Snorkville.

Jeanne (AKA The Duchesse) said...

Hey Helen! I'm with you, any guy who not only CAN change nappies, but WILL? He gets a big vote from me.

Grins. LOL about your granddaughter wanting you off the computer. Hope it's for play and not nappy changing.

Jeanne (AKA The Duchesse) said...

I'm off to bed, here on the East Coast US, but I'll be back in the a.m. HOpefully then, my computer will boot up without giving me a black-screen-of-death.

On the computer front, I have one, three-word request...Pray for me!

Pat Cochran said...

Hi, Brad! Welcome!

Hi, Jeanne! Looks as if it is
going to be a fun and funny day!

My tip to Mr. Romance (aka Brad):
do not trust the Golden One in
any form or fashion! He is such a
tricky fellow/rooster, especially
if he thinks there's chocolate any
place nearby! He inhales the stuff!

I won't be attending RT but if I
were, you could count on my vote!
It does seem as though dancing is going to be the key to success in this competition. Remember that
most of the ladies won't have a
partner, so share your dancing
skills with them. It might garner
some votes for you!

Pat Cochran

jo robertson said...

Hi, Brad, welcome to the Lair. Thanks for bringing such an entertaining guest, Jeanne. I spewed my Pepsi all over my monitor.

Damn, it's just the great irony of life that, although we who are mothers value the diaper-changing qualities of a man, the sexy men seem to be those who can't figure out how those sticky tabs work.

Loucinda McGary aka Aunty Cindy said...

Welcome to the Lair, Brad!

Watch out, Sven, the cabana boys, and the gladiators may be gunning for you!

As for winning Mr. Romance, I'm afraid you are a wee bit short for Aunty's tastes... (luckily I'm not a judge) The tips on baby oil and dancing are not bad, but the sure fire way to win those votes is (whispers) The "C" word...

CHOCOLATE! ;-)

Bribe the judges with chocolate and you will easily walk away with that title. Oh yes, and a wee bit of alcohol probably won't hurt either.

AC

Tawny said...

ROFLMAO - Brad, if writing skill and a sense of humor are a part of the competition, you've got it nailed!!!

Welcome to the Lair, and thanks for the laugh. I'm going to have fun reading today's blog suggestions.

After I dry my eyes... "Ridgefield, aka the Cunnilingus Capital of Connecticut" indeed!!!

Jane said...

Welcome Brad,
You've got my vote. You're smart and funny. A little love and tenderness and some bribing will definitely help you in your quest to for the Mr. Romance title.

PinkPeony said...

Hi Brad:

I'd say forget about the muscle-heads and their suspect steroid pecs and abs! I believe most women would prefer an articulate and intelligent man. (My best friend broke up with a hunky guy because he couldn't write a complete sentence and thought the G-8 Summit was a ski resort.)But if you want to take the muscle-bound route, there are "spray on trompe de l'oeil abs" available.

Honestly, if you posed with a Hoover and a baby in your arms, and maybe a little burp-up on your shirt, I think you'd garner a lot of votes. Think of the army of women don't have time to read their favorite romances because of they spend so much time on household chores.
Best of luck!

hrdwrkdmom aka Dianna said...

Woot! You have my vote too Brad, my nappy changing days are over but I so totally respect a man that knows how to do that and does do that. A sense of humor which you obviously have is a must in my book.

As to hints, well, as you are mingling, don't forget the older, less svelte ladies in the room. We might not look it but we still have romance in our souls.

Buffie said...

Fabulous post Brad!! I love that you have already started campaigning for Mr. Romance. Have you check out last year's winner -- Charles Paz? Sweet fun-loving hawt guy! Actually I could say the same thing for all previous winners you mentioned. Each one of them is very approachable. I think that's the key. You really need to talk to everyone at the RT convention. Go to every party, dance with every night, and talk with every gal there. And when you win the competition, I want your second interview! I'm sure that Jeanne will get the first one :-)

Gillian Layne said...

Wow. You had me at the whole "change a diaper in less than 12 seconds" thing. :)

Lisa Cooke said...

Great Post, Brad--I think your chances at RT are excellent! It's a fun week (and a great promo op ;-) If you want to see what the ladies are looking for, read the great comments from yesterday's post. They were very blunt about what they want in their heroes!
Lisa

PJ said...

Welcome, Brad! So you want to be Mr. Romance? Let's take a look at those qualifications: Intelligent, Ivy League alum, former sportswriter, dedicated dad, twinkling blue eyes, ability to make me laugh and potential moonlight serenades. As a bonus, you bear a striking resemblance to the guy I crushed on through most of Jr. High and High School. You're pretty close to getting my vote! Only one possible deal-breaker remains...

Who's your fav to win the Super Bowl?

Seriously, best of luck to you with the release of your book. I'm a huge Evanovich fan so I'm sure I'm going to enjoy your writing. I'll definitely be picking up a copy of FACES OF THE GONE.

PJ said...

Congrats, Mariska! How fitting that you should win the GR today. :)

p226 said...

Hahah, yeah, I'm around. Wisdom? Advice?

Ok, that I have.

Did you know that a small tube of Liquid Nails looks almost EXACTLY like a tube of preparation H? So, if you're doing some minor home repairs in the bathroom, take the Liquid Nails with you when you're done.

If a bee flies in your car window and lands inverted in the seat buzzing angrily while pulsing his stinger towards a very sensitive anatomical location, as counter-intuitive as it sounds, driving the car is still your first priority.

Drink plenty of water. A kidney stone going on the attack mid-coitus is painful for you, and confusing for her.

Oh... did you mean advice that would help you get this Mr. Romance title? Man, I got nuthin'.

Anna Sugden said...

Okay - you guys owe me a new monitor (wiping tea - and not that bloody Earl Grey muck, either!)

Welcome to the Lair, Brad. You get kudos in my book for braving the cabana boys, gladiators and hockey hunks to make your case for Mr Romance - and hey, if you've got all your own teeth you're one up on many of them!

Having encountered many of said Mr Romances and male cover models in the past (with the exception of the fabulous Steve Sandalis and adorable Leland Burbank) - being able to string a sentence together coherently (and without including your own name or I/me) is a major plus!

And trust me, having no garter-snake vein (ewww!) is another plus.

But, I'm with Drew on this - we need more pics to check out your quality over quantity *g*. We need to be totally impartial, after all, if we're putting our (totally svelte and model-like) weight behind you.

Anna Sugden said...

PS Can't wait to read your book!

PJ said...

ROFLMAO @ p226!!!!

mariska said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
mariska said...

alright, I'm not that 'drooling' a lot :P

i just had to reread this post again and again..and laughed some more ^_^b

Brad, you have my Vote !
honestly, I'm not so into that 'six pack abs' thing, when you mentioned about diaper changing. well, i adore you :)

further more an author of 'mystery thriller - with a side of romance'...Yum ! My favorite *g*

and you are cute too!

As long you have a good humor, smart, want to cook and help me in the kitchen, and have a big shoulder to cry on...you are in :P

Miranda Neville said...

I'm voting for you, and I'll buy your book too. Did run the Miss America pageant like before I was born?

Anna: you have no idea what we get up to New England.

Jeanne (AKA The Duchesse) said...

Morning everyone! Pat, wise words for Brad there.

So, Brad, how's the dancing? Good shoes? Polished? Hot moves?

Grins.

Jeanne (AKA The Duchesse) said...

Morning, Jo! Have to say, Pepsi on the monitor is better than drool on the keyboard. Grins.

You're so right that the muscle hunks can't work the sticky tabs on the nappies. Ha! See, Brad, there's another angle you can work!

"I understand sticky tabs!" Grins.

Jeanne (AKA The Duchesse) said...

Aunty!!! You're giving away state secrets!!

Grins.

Jeanne (AKA The Duchesse) said...

Hey Ms. Hot Writin' Tawny! Figured you'd get a kick out of today's topic.

So, what tips for our fair knight in trying to woo the judges?

Jeanne (AKA The Duchesse) said...

Mornin' Jane! Love and tenderness work well, don't they? THere's a song about that...

Thanks, now that's stuck in my head.

Jeanne (AKA The Duchesse) said...

Pink...snork...G8....SNORK...Ski School! SNORK!!! Too funny! I'd break up with him too. *eye roll*

The mental image of Brad holding the vac hose, a baby and with a burp cloth accessory? Pure genius. Add that to bribes of chocolate and wow, he really DOES have a shot!

Jeanne (AKA The Duchesse) said...

Hey Dianna! You have hit it right on. Another good tip. There are no women - well, it's rare! - who lack romance in their souls. Truly. So, we all want romance.

(Husbands, if you're reading this, a good tip for you to remember!)

Gannon Carr said...

I'm still laughing at this blog! Absolutely hilarious!!! Brad, a man with a sense of humor, loving dad, singer, smart....what's not to love??

"Ridgefield, aka the Cunnilingus Capital of Connecticut"

Priceless! Maybe you could make some bumper stickers and t-shirts! LOL

Drew has to idea about us doing a little photoshop action on some of your pictures. It's done all the time, right? *g*

And since you called all of "hot", you'd definitely get my vote! And I will most definitely be getting a copy of FACES OF THE GONE.

Gannon Carr said...

Congrats on the GR, Mariska. :)

P226, hilarious comment! ROFLMAO

Jeanne (AKA The Duchesse) said...

Buffie said: And when you win the competition, I want your second interview! I'm sure that Jeanne will get the first one :-)

Oh, my. Brad is going to be another 10 lbs thinner if he goes to EVERY party and dances the whole week. Heeeeey, Brad! That six-pack might really make a comeback! Grins.

Jeanne (AKA The Duchesse) said...

Gillian said: Wow. You had me at the whole "change a diaper in less than 12 seconds" thing. :)

Snork. Yep. I liked that part too, Gillian. Diapers. Urg.

Jeanne (AKA The Duchesse) said...

Hey, Lisa! Great point about yesterday's post. I didn't get to read it til quite late - computer woes - but it's chock full of info!

Hank Phillippi Ryan said...

See? Told you so. Brad is dangerous...!!!

HI Brad...xooxo

Joan said...

LOL...Brad!

Welcome to the Lair!

I'm already sold on your book just from your wit and verve.

A sense of humor is essential along with blue eyes and yeah...can't beat the image of a Daddy holding his babe.

So don't worry about matching manufactured muscles...just be you and you'll get lots of votes!

What Demetrius? You're not sure if Brad can compete? Um...see that trident shaped scar on your thigh? Remember that match?

It was with that marathon runner the Romans sent to the arena...wiry, thin hair with thick skin? His song of victory was inspiring when he snuck up on you!!!

(Dark cloud rolls over Demetrius' face)

Uh huh....I thought so..

Joan said...

Mortal,

I would not be quick to deride thyself....Atlas you may not be but humor in a human amuses me....

as does watching said human do push ups..

Now human. Give me forty!

Goddess Sangria

p226 said...

And p226 and the gladiators could design a workout program for him.

Yep. Put him in 65lbs of armor and force him to chase toddlers and change diapers.

Christie Kelley said...

Hi Brad! Welcome to the lair and thanks for making me laugh as I attempted to drink my second cup of coffee. Only a little spewed out onto the keyboard.

Having been to four RT conventions, I say go for it. Most of those guys are way too over-built. My advice is simple, you're coming from Connecticut and the convention is in April, hit the tanning salons. And no tans lines!

Kirsten said...

Oh man, I really needed this. After finishing an absolutely amazing but tragic novel (Flash Burnout, by LK Madigan, William C. Morris book award winner, which you should all go read) I needed a laugh.

Brad -- if I wasn't terrified to attend the RT convention, you'd definitely have my vote. But all those screaming fans and all that nekked man-flesh under one roof? Are you kidding me? Can you say RIOT CONDITIONS? (I don't go to soccer games in Spain and I'm staying away from RT, KWIM?)

Now, maybe you could help with that. Um...not that you wouldn't cause a riot because I'm sure you could. It would just be a...gentle riot. A wiry-haired diaper-changing man riot, rather than a nekked man-flesh riot.

Oh dear. Did that sound wrong?

Anyway, welcome to the Lair, Brad! I don't recall that we've EVER had a male guest around here. What a lot of fun it is - I'll have to run out and get your book ASAP! :-)

Carla Buckley said...

All right, all right. You talked me into RT this year, Brad. And I'm taking pictures.

Brad Parks said...

Wow! Here it is 9:50 am EST, and I figured I'd just peek in to see how things were going and I see the party is already raging! I knew you Banditas knew how to have a good time. I just didn't know you did it so early.

First off, Mariska: So glad you and GR are spending the day together. Just be good to him, okay? I need him as a wing man at RT.

Marnee said...

You've got my vote too, Brad! After all, as my dad used to say, if you can get a girl to laugh you can get in their... well, in their attentions anyway. :)

I am intrigued by your book too! I'll check it out. Thanks for the laugh.

Brad Parks said...

Now, moving on...

Christine: Baby oil? We actually use A&D in our house. Either that or Desitin. Think that'll do the same?

Karyn -- About this hairless thing... are you sure we can't just give that 70's Tom Selleck look a comeback?

Donna -- Dancing? Oh crap. You've discovered my kryptonite. Are you sure I can't just hang out on the corner of the dance floor and do serenades?

Anna -- Connecticut is a much more, uh, diverse state than people realize.

Brad Parks said...

Louisa -- There's a walk I have to learn, too? Did I mention I have size 13 feet?

Helen -- Teach your granddaughter to say "Golden Rooster" and then ask her what she wants to do with her new pet. Then get back to us with the answer. I'm sure it'll be entertaining. :)

Pat -- D'ya thing they'll play any swing dance songs? I think that's about the only dance I can reliably do without falling on myself. Big Band anyone??

Brad Parks said...

Jo -- Sorry about the computer monitor. ;)

Aunty Cindy -- Chocolate!! Of course! That's genius! See, THIS is why I knew the Banditas would come through for me. I'm thinking dark chocolate -- it's health food, you know -- and some kind of full-bodied red wine. Suggestions?

Tawny -- Let's start lobbying to have a writing portion added to the pageant. It might be my only hope...

Brad Parks said...

PinkPeony -- If you think about it, it would be a lot funnier if the G-8 was held at a ski lodge. I can just imagine all those protesters sliding around on the bunny slopes. (Though maybe I can see why your friend ditched that guy).

Dianna -- I promise I won't discriminate on the basis of age or waistline in my quest to be Mr. Romance. ; )

Buffie -- If there's one thing I CAN do well in my reign as Mr. Romance, it would be interviews. I'm game!

Brad Parks said...

Gillian -- I can not only change a diaper in 12 seconds, I also do dishes. I'm gettin' you a little hot now aren't I... ;)

PJ -- C'mon. Anyone (outside of Indianapolis or the Manning family) who isn't rooting for N'Awlins needs to have their heart checked. The Saints are the all-time feel-good story.

P226 -- You are clearly a man of great wisdom. (Though if you learned that Preparation H/Liquid Nails thing the hard way, you have my sympathy).

Brad Parks said...

Anna -- Wait, what's wrong with Earl Grey? It's my fave! On other matters, I think I'm going to have to hitch up Photoshop and take it for a ride. My head on, say, Mark Wahlberg's body would do just fine...

Mariska -- You want me to teach the GR my diaper changing technique? Tip: As they get older, you HAVE to give them a toy to play with while you do the change. Keeps 'em occupied and they don't squirm as much...

Miranda -- Thanks for the support!

Brad Parks said...

Gannon -- I'm actually going to be in Ridgefield tonight, doing a book-signing there. I'll suggest the T-shirt/bumper sticker thing to the city fathers and see how it goes over. ;)

Hank, darling -- I learned dangerous from watching you.

Joan -- Doing my push-ups as soon as I'm done with this message.

Brad Parks said...

Christie -- I was thinking about one of those super-cheesy spray-on tans... Nothing like oompa-loompa orange to make the women swoon, right?

Kirsten -- It'll be my first time at RT, too. Maybe we can just lurk in the corners until we get it all figured out...

Carla -- Glad you're coming to RT. You know I'm going to be hiding at your house when this thing gets out of hand, right? I'm sure your husband wouldn't mind.

Susan Sey said...

Brad, you're killing me. I wasn't prepared for a laugh this early & may have pulled something. I'm not sure you're going to win Mr. Romance (there's something to be said for protein-shake-guzzling knuckle draggers) but when it comes to buying the book, I'll probably buy yours rather than theirs. :-) We like our fellas brainy here in the lair.

Thanks for coming by and best of luck with your campaign!

Brad Parks said...

Marnee -- Your Dad sounds like my kind of guy.

Susan -- You of all people ought to know better: Always stretch and be properly warmed up before entering the lair. ;)

p226 said...

P226 -- You are clearly a man of great wisdom. (Though if you learned that Preparation H/Liquid Nails thing the hard way, you have my sympathy).

No, fortunately, that was a near-miss situation. Though, I can clearly imagine the ER visit. "You um... you put WHAT..... WHERE? And..... WHY?" This followed by a triage nurse excusing herself from her little booth, rounding the corner at the nurse's station, and collapsing on the floor with laughter.

MsHellion said...

Adorable, witty, and hilarious. Plus the "good daddy" gene--you've got my vote. (I don't like the overly muscled men to begin with. Arnold Swartzenegger movies make me leave the room, even before he starts talking.)

Intelligence almost always ranks higher on women's lists than a 6-pack. At least on my list. And you've clearly got that. And you'd be fun to banter with.

The smoldering look might handicap you a little. I mean, we women like intelligent men, to be swept off our feet with something witty and funny, but in the end we want to feel like we drew out that animal instinct simmering beneath and that's why you scooped us up and ravished us right there in the restaurant.

You remind me of Elliot of SVU...only you don't have Elliot's smoldering look. More like his sweeter younger brother or something.

Deb said...

Brad and Jeanne, fun post!

I like your pic and I think all of the Banditas and Friends would vote you in as Mr. R. (Chocolate does help, however, to bribe most of us, so it might work with the judges.)

I don't like all those muscles upon muscles on men nor hairy chests either, so I don't see what all the appeal is...

Good luck!

Pissenlit said...

Brad, you had me at "Now, ignoring for the moment that the first sentence (which I quoted exactly) is an egregious run-on, I think this gives me some hope." My vote is yours!*

This post should've come with a warning. I nearly spewed a mouthful of tea onto the computer while reading it. Ha!

Oh, I second the advice about chocolate! You could alternate between bribes of that and Tim Tams. You'd be a shoo-in!


* Well, it would be if I were going to RT...

Brad Parks said...

P226 -- Definitely a Darwin Award kind of situation.

MsHellion -- My wife always had a thing for Elliot on SVU... I'm wondering if I should be worried now.

Deb -- I would definitely be UN-supersizing the Mr. Romance muscle quotient.

Pissenlit -- I think good grammar is far sexier than most people realize, don't you? (Or maybe it's that BAD grammar is a turn off).

Jeanne (AKA The Duchesse) said...

Just got back in from prepping for the major snow "event" as they're calling it...off to catch up.

P226, you crack me UP!

limecello said...

Jeanne - snork indeed! *giggles* You writers are so naughty :X

Oh man - everyone is making it so impossible to resist RT and RWA! I so wanna go...

Jeanne (AKA The Duchesse) said...

Anna S said: being able to string a sentence together coherently (and without including your own name or I/me) is a major plus!

I so agree...

Jeanne (AKA The Duchesse) said...

PJ, I'm rooting for the Saints...how 'bout you?

Jeanne (AKA The Duchesse) said...

P226 said Yep. Put him in 65lbs of armor and force him to chase toddlers and change diapers.

Snork! Now THERE's a workout program!

Jeanne (AKA The Duchesse) said...

Kirsten said A wiry-haired diaper-changing man riot, rather than a nekked man-flesh riot.

Oh dear. Did that sound wrong?


Grins.

Yes, yes it did. Hahahah!

Jeanne (AKA The Duchesse) said...

Hey Hank! Yes, Brad is a hoot, isn't he? Obviously a rabble rouser too.

Marnee, now YOU have me LOL!

MsHellion said...

MsHellion -- My wife always had a thing for Elliot on SVU... I'm wondering if I should be worried now.

No. I'm sure she believes she made the right choice. *LOL*

Elliot has "ANGER" issues and occasionally loses control (like at the season finale, every year). Fantasy is one thing; reality is another.

Jeanne (AKA The Duchesse) said...

Brad said: Karyn -- About this hairless thing... are you sure we can't just give that 70's Tom Selleck look a comeback?

Hahaha! I'm all for it. I've done blogs about the nice, furry Tom Selleck look, so...yeah, we can.

Snork.

Jeanne (AKA The Duchesse) said...

Brad said: PinkPeony -- If you think about it, it would be a lot funnier if the G-8 was held at a ski lodge. I can just imagine all those protesters sliding around on the bunny slopes.

Heehee....Ohhhh, the visual. Given that some of my neigbors are usually involved with this sort of thing, I'm picturing them on skis...SO not pretty...SNORK!

Anna Campbell said...

Jen, sorry, just spat out tea on my keyboard at the G-8 comment! How hilarious! You've got to use that in a story sometime!

Oh, no, and then I moved on to P226's post! You guys just don't want my computer to work, do you? P226, stellar advice all round, snort!

Jeanne (AKA The Duchesse) said...

Brad said: Christie -- I was thinking about one of those super-cheesy spray-on tans... Nothing like oompa-loompa orange to make the women swoon, right?

SNOOOORRRK! Yeah, that oompa-loompa orange is all the rage, esp. with the green hair.

Anna Campbell said...

Miranda, New England is now firmly (phwoaarrrr!) on my list of the next place to visit! Snork!

Brad, you've put the Connect in Connecticut for me! And Brad, I have a feeling it's the city mothers who will want the stickers!

Jeanne (AKA The Duchesse) said...

Hey Deb, hey Pissenlit! Deb, I think I remember this failing of yours from my previous post. How can you not like men with chest hair? Grins.

Sigh. To each her own.

*disclaimer* I have no personal knowledge of Brad's status as hirsute or not. (Just in case my darling DH is reading)

Anna Campbell said...

Oh, Hellion, be still my beating heart. Elliot and his smoldering looks. Hubba! Although I'm with you - all that brooding intensity could get a bit much at the breakfast table!

Jeanne (AKA The Duchesse) said...

Anna C...city mother...snork...stickers...snork. Cripes, now I've got to clear the diet Coke off MY monitor. Snork!

Connect in Connecticut..SNORK! Yeah, that would be a connection!

Ms. Hellion, you crack me up too, about Elliot and his anger issues for the season finale.

Pissenlit said...

Bother. I now have the Oompa Loompa song stuck in my head.

Jeanne (AKA The Duchesse) said...

Pissenlit said: I now have the Oompa Loompa song stuck in my head.

See, I had avoided that until you said it. Drat. Now it's all Ooompa-loompa, doopity doo, I've got another riddle for you... in my head.

Beth said...

Welcome to the lair, Brad! I loved your post so you have my vote! Unfortunately, I'm not attending RT, but if they have online voting I'm there for you :-)

And that whole snake-like-biceps-vein-thingy?

Ewwww.

Jeanne (AKA The Duchesse) said...

Yes, I have to agree with you on that vein thing, Beth. Ewww.

Joan said...

Yep. Put him in 65lbs of armor and force him to chase toddlers and change diapers.

Ok, that is such a HAWT image....

But I think Vin Diesel did it in a movie already :-)

Loucinda McGary aka Aunty Cindy said...

LeDuchesse said: "SNOOOORRRK! Yeah, that oompa-loompa orange is all the rage, esp. with the green hair."

Well, you'd definitely get the Irish vote, both Protestant and Catholic! Right, Joanie?

AC

Joan said...

Ewwww...what's happened to the Lair? There's all this ...spewage...dripping off the monitors...

I think good grammar is far sexier than most people realize, don't you?

I agree. I've always found dangling participles particulary intriguing

;-)

Joan said...

Sorry AC....despite my loyalty to the Republic.....I have a thing against oompa loompas....

It started with the munchkins in the Wizard of Ox (shiver)

Karyn Gerrard AKA~Drew said...

Jeanne Said: 'Drew, are you volunteering to check for that snake-like vein on the bicep?'

Bicep? I was supposed to be checking on the bicep?? *ahem*

Brad Said: 'About this hairless thing... are you sure we can't just give that 70's Tom Selleck look a comeback?'

I think I would faint dead away if I ever saw chest hair on a romance cover! I would LOVE it! But definitely the Tom Selleck thing, that was a good look, now, Robin Williams...ewwww.

Gannon Carr said...

I think I would faint dead away if I ever saw chest hair on a romance cover! I would LOVE it! But definitely the Tom Selleck thing, that was a good look, now, Robin Williams...ewwww.

LOL @ Drew! I completely agree--love me some chest hair. Lucky for me my husband's is more like Tom Selleck than Robin Williams. *g*

Pat Cochran said...

Oh gosh, Oh golly! I so definitely
have pulled something! I called my
Honey to share some of the comments
and laughed for some while before I could actually talk to him! He knew before I said anything that I had been visiting the Lair!

Brad and Jeanne, thanks for the
workout! I think I have lost inches
around my waist from the laughing!

Pat Cochran

Helen said...

I think I have just woken everyone else in the house up laughing so much.

And yes now I have coffee all over my keyboard and screen LOL

p226 your comments are killing me LOL

Brad I will try the trick with the GR and Hayley probably today I am sure they will be back to visit.

Have Fun
Helen

Jeanne (AKA The Duchesse) said...

Drew said: I think I would faint dead away if I ever saw chest hair on a romance cover! I would LOVE it!

Yep, me too. Sigh. But I do love me some chest hair...

Jeanne (AKA The Duchesse) said...

Pat said: I think I have lost inches around my waist from the laughing!

heeey, cool! Now we're not only a destination site, we're a weight loss plan! I love it! Grins

Jeanne (AKA The Duchesse) said...

*Hands Helen the towel via cyberspace*

Seriously. P226 had me ROFLMAO with that, and Brad, drat him, got me again with the "Darwin Award candidate" comment.

Not to mention the G8 Summit Ski Lodge deal...

SNORK!

p226 said...

You girls should just get it over with, and put a Wookie on the cover holding a package of Pampers.

Anna Campbell said...

Oh, man, more tea turned into a fountain! The wookie with the pampers. You crack me up, P226!

Suzanne Welsh said...

Hey Jeanne! Great post,sister Bandita. (By the way, all this laughter might keep the snow at bay for a while, huh?)

Welcome to the Lair, Brad. As you can see, we're a quite lot, sedate, rather retiring... :)

JOanie said:I agree. I've always found dangling participles particulary intriguing ...ahem, I thought you told me it was the dangling parts YOU found intriguing?

Jeanne (AKA The Duchesse) said...

P226 said: You girls should just get it over with, and put a Wookie on the cover holding a package of Pampers.

Holy cow! SNORK!!! The dogs just got extra popcorn and a biscuit because I was laughing so hard at that image I bobbled everything. Thank goodness the diet coke was still capped.

Snork!

Jeanne (AKA The Duchesse) said...

Suz said: As you can see, we're a quite lot, sedate, rather retiring... :)

Snork. Yes, so pallid and insignificant...wallflowers all...

Brad Parks said...

Yeah, some real wallflowers here... just a bunch of gals sitting in the corner, hoping someone asks them to dance and not daring to step onto the floor otherwise. That's the Banditas all right...

You are all fairly crazy. And, clearly, I dig crazy.

Nancy said...

Mariska, congrats on the rooster. Please keep him busy!

Nancy said...

Brad, welcome to the Lair! I think the romance of a diaper-changing guy is obvious to any woman who has ever done that particular deed.

So I think you have a very strong shot!

You and Jeanne put together a funny blog, something that's always a pleasure to read. Glad you could join us today.

Nancy said...

Okay, Brad and Jeanne have made me laugh, and p226 has made me wince, albeit with a pained laughter undertone, so I seem to have run the gamut today.

Jeanne, Brad seemed so harmnless when you invited him! But now we have laughing and spewing going on. Sven must be having kittens. *evil grin*

Which serves him right after he charged Hank for a drink!

Brad Parks said...

Oh, no, Nancy. Really, I AM quite harmless. It's not my felt all hell seems to have broken loose today.

(Although the GR seems to be strangely absent... what IS he doing??)

Brad Parks said...

Umm, make that "not my fault." I mean, spelling doesn't count on this quiz, does it?

Nancy said...

Brad, you addressed that to the Blog Comment Typo Queen, so no, typos don't count against you. As for the whole harmless thing, that's a matter of perception. Laughter can be dangerous. Spewage is hard on monitors. And keyboards. *g*

And we often don't want to know what the GR is doing. Really. Sometimes it's better not to know. Then you have plausible deniability.

Joan said...

dangling parts YOU found intriguing?

parts, participle...semantics really

VBG

Jeanne (AKA The Duchesse) said...

Nancy said, of the GR: And we often don't want to know what the GR is doing. Really. Sometimes it's better not to know. Then you have plausible deniability.

Yep, what she said. Really. We can't get sued if we have plausible deniability. Grins.

Jeanne (AKA The Duchesse) said...

Nancy said: Sven must be having kittens. *evil grin* Which serves him right after he charged Hank for a drink!

Ya'know, has anyone else noticed that the guys have been quiet today, going about their chores with such diligence? Snicker. Maybe they're afraid we're going to go all gaga over Brad and not pay attention? Or is it that they were in such wicked form for Hank and our other FEMALE guests this month? Grins.

Ohhhh, Demetriussss! Sven, Hans, it's after five p.m. everywhere, where are the beverages?? I've got to go shovel some snow, let's have a hot toddy ready when I get back, yes?

Jeanne (AKA The Duchesse) said...

Joan said: parts, participle...
semantics really. VBG

Snork. Just had to say that I agree, Joanie T...

NOW, I'm going to go shovel. Snow. Yeah, yeah, that's it...

Joan said...

Um, Jeanne....Demetrius gave me a cryptic note to pass onto you...it's taken me all afternoon to translate it from barbarian to Kentuckian.

Ahem....What's 30 inches. Midnight. The slope behind Capital Hill. The sled is polished.

Any clue????

Suzanne Welsh said...

Shhh...Jeanne, you know we try to lure them in with that wallflower shtick...then Pow...lots of boom and dangling parts...er language lessons