Saturday, September 1, 2007

My Day Without Underwear (and other embarrassing stories)



by Kirsten Scott

Okay, true story...I am a bike commuter (well, sometimes...like when the weather's really nice and I'm not feeling too lazy) and I typically throw an outfit into my bag so I can shower and change at work. A couple of days ago, I pulled on my clean undies and bike shorts (fashion police, arrest me now!) and put a white cotton skirt into my backpack to change into after my shower.

Fast forward thirty minutes, and I'm climbing out of the shower at work. I grab the undies, only to realize I had put on BLACK underwear that morning, never thinking that I was eventually going to be wearing them under my WHITE skirt. Yes, you could see them, and no, I wasn't prepared to walk around all day in the bike shorts. Besides, I had a meeting at 9:30 and there was no way I had time to get home and back before it.

So what to do? Blushes aside, I went commando and hoped that I didn't pull a Basic Instinct during my meeting. Then as soon as my meeting was over, I took the train downtown and bought a pair of way-too-expensive-but-at-least-they-were-white Victoria Secret panties.

Whew!


So this has NOTHING to do with writing, but it's the weekend and what the heck! So--do you have any embarrassing stories you'd like to share? Ever go commando to work? The Banditas are all ears (but no eyes--we won't look, promise!).

44 comments:

Anna Campbell said...

Kirsten, I've got to tell you - you win the prize for the best title so far on the Bandita blog! I could tell you lots of embarrassing stories but then, of course, I'd have to kill you. And that would finish a promise romance writing career before it really had a chance to start. Great post!

Kirsten said...

Come on, FoAnna! No toilet paper on the shoe stories for us? A skirt tucked into your pantyhose? Trip and fall on the way to grab your RITA? :-)

Anna Campbell said...

Snork to the Rita, Kirsten! I promise should such a moment come, I'll trip, JUST FOR YOU!

Kirsten said...

Darlin', I would love to see you grab that RITA. Trip or no trip. But now if you do happen to stumble, you'll have the perfect excuse!

Helen said...

Kirsten I loved that post I don't have the courage you have I would have gone with the black undies.
Have Fun
Helen

Christine Wells said...

Kirsten, you made me snort my coffee, and it HURT!

OK, I'll play. Similar situation, I used to go running before work. Yes, Foanna, I used to be FIT, back in the day. Anyway, having the shower in the office, finish the shower, go to slide the shower door open AND THE ENTIRE GLASS PANEL CAME OFF IN MY HANDS!!

I tell you, that baby weighed a ton and I couldn't put it down and I couldn't get it back into place. You know how you panic and your fine motor skills take a nosedive?

So there I was, naked and dripping, worried I'd have to yell for help. But desperation is always a motivating factor for me and I calmed myself, took a deep breath and after a lot of fiddling, managed to refit the shower door.

I've also forgotten my bra in a similar situation to yours and had to walk up town with my arms folded to buy a replacement.

Moral of the story: You're better off being a lard-@rse like I am now and then you never have these embarrassing shower catastrophes!

Thanks for the laugh, Kirsten.

Caren Crane said...

Christine, my lard and I thank you for getting us off the exercise hook! *g*

Kirsten, believe me that was the way to go. I had a co-worker who would intentionally wear a black bra under a sheer white blouse. She did it every time she wore the blouse! What the...? That was never a fashion statement. Never.

I have looked down at work and realized that for the 20 minutes since I last went to the ladies' room, my fly has been completely open. A-a-a-ack!

I was also at a church retreat, sashaying around the kitchen in my yoga pants, drinking coffee and chatting with people when one lady came up and said, "Did you realize you have a big hole in the back of your pants?"

Blush. "Where?" I whispered.

"Right along the back seam!"

I tried to be cool. "Well, I guess that means I'll be changing into my jeans after all."

I almost died of embarrassment. And yes, there were men and a minister there (fortunately the minister was female!).

Kennan said...

i love it! i had a friend who NEVER wore underwear. i mean, for 10 years she went commando and says she won't switch back. so were you converted? i love going without a bra but never without my undies.

here's my embarrassing story but it is related to breasts (i actually have a ton of them but i had to pick one): i was at the doctor's office and this gorgeous single doctor (friend of a friend) was inspecting my rash which happened to be between my breasts. i had just breastfed by baby and he asked me to lift up one of my breasts to see if the rash had made its way under there. well, when i lifted it up (the unmilked one!) it literally shot him in the face with breastmilk! i was totally mortified, of course, because this guy probably didn't have a clue about any "real life" stuff. so as i was leaving i said "i can't believe i squirted you with my breastmilk!" and he retorted, "i've been squirted with a lot worse!"

never breastfeed your baby before you are to have a doctor look at a rash between your breasts.

AndreaW said...

I had an embarrassing moment in high school. There was this guy that rode my bus that liked me and always asked me out, but I had no interest in him (he was nothing but a trouble-maker!) and I always told him no. Well, apparently he got tired of me saying no, so one day while we were waiting for the school bus to pick us up to take us home, he came up behind me and pulled my pants down in front of everyone! I was soooooo embarrassed! Needless to say, that incident certainly didn't endear him to me. I reported it and he got into trouble...again. He's probably in jail somewhere now.... LOL

~Andrea

Caren Crane said...

Kennan, that was a lesson learned, no doubt! And andreaw, I was squirming for your teenaged self. Having your pants pulled down at any time is horrible, but in high school--end of the world!

Kirsten said...

Christine, that was an awesome tale of superhuman strength in the face of adversity (and nudity)! By the way, you do recall that you just had a baby, right? And that by nature, you are allotted at least two years (or one full month of decent sleep!) before you are required to work out or lose weight? Okay? :-)

Helen--it would have taken far greater courage for me to wear the undies! Madonna I am not!

Kirsten said...

Caren, yes, I believe you are correct--white blouse and black bra equal fashion faux pas! It's a universal. But the fly down, now there's one to blame on the people around you, who were too chicken to tell you the truth!

Kennan, I got the biggest snort of all from your story--breast-feeding breasts do so many fun things! Some day I'll share the story about when I was pumping milk in my office and the window washer got an eyeful! Eeek! Now I would have been really impressed if the doctor had wiped some off on his finger and tasted it.

Kirsten said...

Oh Andrea, you poor thing! I think you're right--that kid was not headed for a normal life...

Kirsten said...

Oh, and no, Kennan, I wasn't converted. I appreciate the little bit of smoothing/tucking that my undies provide. ;-) But I do think about it little more when I leave the house!

jo robertson said...

LOL and snorting milk out my nose -- this blog post was my morning wake-up laugh.

I LOVE going commando and so did my mom, so I'm assuming it might run in the family.

Kennan, snort snort on the squirting the doctor with breast milk. You have got to be the Kennan I know, the one left behind at the church when she was four? Hmmm, that SHOULD be my most embarrassing moment.

Kirsten said...

Jo--is this your Kennan? Oh my goodness! Kennan! Tell us how traumatized you were when Jo-Mama left you on the church doorstep!

Anna Sugden said...

Great post Kirsten. And I'm with you - no black under white (bra or knickers!).

Like FoAnna - I have embarrassing moments a-plenty. But maybe not her homicidal tendencies *grin*.

My commando situation was when my knicker elastic snapped just as I was about to walk into a room full of salesmen. They literally dropped to my ankles as my hand turned the doorknob! Luckily my boss was a woman. I scooped them up and stowed them in my jacket pocket. Then went on to do my presentation.

I was nervous about the Sharon Stone thing, because those were the days of the ultra-mini suits. My skirt barely covered my stocking tops! At least I had no VPL!

Kirsten said...

Oh my Vrai Anna! Shocking story! :-) And sounds like you were wearing thigh-high stocking? Also very naughty! I'm trying hard to figure out what VPL means, though...

Your story brings back memories of a certain New Year's Eve when I was wearing a pair of pants that had a zipper that broke--whoosh, pants fell to my ankles right in the middle of a crowded bar! I picked em up (along with my pride) and carried on with my conversation. Snort. It's all how you carry it off, right?

Jeanne (AKA The Duchesse) said...

Heehee. Ya'll crack me UP! Kirstin, I'm totally w/ you and our other fashion conscious Bandita's, no black under white. But, like Helen, I'm so conditioned to wearing the underdrawers I'd've been nervous the whole time until I got to Vics. Ha! Christine, my lard and I thank you too. And Kirsten, it's 2.5 years since I had a child and I think I'm on your schedule. I've now returned to (mostly) full nights sleep, so I have no excuse not to exercise. There will be less of me in San Fran! (A resolution is born.) Kennan, LOL on the breastmilk story. Had that happen, woman doc though, so less embarassing. Anna S., yours is closer to my embarassing moment. Had on a suit, had tucked said undies in said pocket for similar reason. Forgot them. Sitting in a meeting several weeks later, reach in pocket for tissue, what's this? think I. Pull out panties in meeting. Shake them out slightly because I cannot for the life of me figure out what...uh-oh. From here, you can imagine my wanting to slink under the conference table until everyone leaves. Snork. I can laugh about it now, but then? Ooooooh.

jo robertson said...

Yeah, that's my girl. Ain't she a sweet little earth mother? Or wait, maybe the neighbor brought back the wrong child!!!

Kirsten said...

Jeannie, I can just imagine your face when you realized what you were shaking out!! Heehee! :-)

Hey, congratulations on the resolution just born, too! :-) I recently went BACK on the endless diet when I got back from vacation and realized I'd put on 5 pounds in just two weeks. I'm starting to resign myself to a life of salad for dinner and a constant state of near hunger...waaaahhh...

Kirsten said...

Toodles, girls! I'm headed out with the family for a picnic in the park and a little canoeing. Will check back in when we return.

Hope no one pulls down my bathing suit while we're there... ;-)

Joan said...

No black under white, eh? How about navy? LOL.

I know I've had some embarassing moments though none that I can RECALL involving my undergarments.

I loved Kennan's story of the squirt incident and as a nurse can identify with the doc's experience of having had worse things.

Now, just a quick suggestion for all you lovely Banditas and Bandita friends wanting to lose baby fat. I highly recommend Weight Watchers. LOADS of variety, sensible, portion controlled and once you get the hang of the point system...easy as pie. I rarely get hungry or feel deprived and if I would buckle down and eat even MORE veggies and fruits would lose even faster.

I'm 14 pounds down and it's staying off.

But be warned....when you lose the weight your undies may fall off!

susan.seyfarth said...

Oh, Kirsten-- Yes I have a story for you. I am now reformed, but back when I was a diet coke addict I was peeing many, many times per day at the office. (All the caffeine, you know.) Anyway, I had peeing down to a science: flip up skirt, snag leg holes of panties with thumbs, yank down, do my business, yank back up. Imagine my surprise when, on my dozenth or so pee of the morning, I snagged the panties & yanked & only the bottom half of the panties came down. Yes, they were particularly raggedy (laundry crisis) but never did I imagine that I'd end up standing in the bathroom of my work place wearing only the waist band of my unders. Huh. So I tossed the whole thing & went commando. I felt very...free...all day. Probably could've run out & bought a fresh pair, but I ended up kinda liking it. Not that I ever did it again. :-)

Susan S. -- '06 packer who lurks like mad but always reads you banditas b/c you make me laugh

Aunty Cindy said...

Okay, I have finally stopped snorting long enough to say: VPL=visible panty lines. Right VA?!?!

My oh my! Aunty is astonished at all the undie mishaps! My embarrassing story is not quite so risque, but no less embarrassing. This was back in the day when Aunty had to shuffle from meeting-to-meeting as a bureaucratic drone.

It was a very hot summer day (like today) so I was not wearing a jacket, just a white silk blouse and a dark skirt. My bff and I went to lunch at a new burger place everyone was raving about. I ordered a mushroom burger, which was GREAT except it had some WHOLE mushroom squished between the meat and bun and in the course of my meal, one of them popped out and proceeded to slide it's sauce and ketchup covered way right down the front of my white silk blouse. It then took a LEAP off my boob and careened down my right sleeve from elbow to cuff.

So there I was covered in brown and red smears all over the front of my blouse and right sleeve with a BIG MEETING with numerous department mucky-mucks and legal types in 15 MINUTES! My bff was laffing her arse off, and also did not have a jacket to loan me. So I went into the bathroom and washed off as much as I could, but attended the meeting with very interesting and colorful blotches all over my blouse front and sleeve.

NOBODY said A WORD! Maybe it was something in my face?
AC

Kate Carlisle said...

OMG, I can't stop laughing at these comments!! Y'all know anyone can stop by and read this stuff, right?? ROTFL*snort!*

I'll just add that I've had some of these horror stories to me, too--except the breast-milk incident. That's one I've never suffered, thank God. I did show up at the gym once and realized I was wearing my husband's underwear. That took some explaining....

Anyway...thanks, Kirsten. Incredibly funny post!

Buffie said...

Kirsten -- what a funny post!!! And it sounds like something I would do -- the underwear, not the bike riding!!!

I'll share a little story. A few years back I worked for the Federal Government. I was in the executive offices, where the bigwigs worked and all the superiors came for meetings. Anyway, I was wearing a really cute pair of navy blue pants and a gorgeous new red sweater. I thought I looked pretty great that day. Until my boss (one of the bigwigs) looked down at my shoes and said "Why are you wearing one blue shoe and one green shoe?" See I found a style of shoes I really liked and bought it in a couple colors -- two of which were navy blue and a real dark green. Guess I didn't pay too close attention to the shoes when I pulled them out of the closet. So for the entire day I walked around with those different colored shoes.

Jeanne (AKA The Duchesse) said...

Alas, yes, Kate, I do know that anyone can stop by and read, but since I figured my entire staff and that of about 10 other institutions in the Triangle Area (NC) were present AT the meeting, making my mortification a four-city-wide affair, it couldn't get worse. And since it was years ago and I wear neither those unds nor that suit...well, I'm safe. Probably. Heehee. Buffie, I've done that shoe thing too, dressed in dim light, similar or same shoes, different colors. Yup. Right there with ya', girlfriend. :> This was a crack-up Kirsten! Hope you had a great time in the canoe!

Anna Sugden said...

Back from a trip to the city (undies intact *grin*). What a fun topic. Glad to see we all have those embarrassing moments.

Kirsten/AC - yes, VPL is a visiblepanty line (I'm showing my age there!)

Jeanne - OMG - you went one better than me! I can only imagine!

Buffie - even the shoe goddess has done that! Both my shoes were black but with totally different heels!

doglady said...

This was a great title for a blog and I am so glad I read most of these before I went off to work, because they made my day!! Every time I had to deal with a disgruntled bakery customer I just thought about commando ladies and doctors getting tagged with breast milk and I just smiled me head off! Thank you all! I cannot remember any wardrobe malfunctions in real life, but I had several onstage during some of the operas I performed. LULU, by Alban Berg was a wardrobe malfunction waiting to happen! I played the title role and she was a bisexual hooker. Most of my costumes were skimpy lingerie and prone to body parts popping out at the WORST times! And when it happens in Germany in March it is a chilling experience! Of course I also had to sing Zerlina to a really gorgeous baritone's Don Giovanni and his tights split in a very strategic place! Gave new meaning to the words "let it all hang out!" Even better? I had to hold "things" in backstage while the dresser sewed him back into his tights!

Kirsten said...

BE STILL MY HEART!!! It's a Susan sighting!! AWWKK!!

(Susan S. is my beloved CP, a 2006 Packer, and one of the nicest human beings on the earth.)

Championship peeing, huh? Why am I not surprised? :-) You rock, baby!

Kirsten said...

Jo, your daughters are complete crack-ups. Tell them to stop by more often!

Joan, I tried WW for a couple of days. I think my target was around 27 points, and on day one I was around 33 point, day two, 35, and somewhere around day four, I hit 40 points (now in my defense, it was my birthday, and a peanut buster parfait is somewhere around 10 points all by itself). I was starving! I don't know how anyone does it! I complained endlessly the whole (ahem) four days, and then quit. :-) More power to ya if you can stay on it.

Kirsten said...

AC--great story, I'm just having a heart attack thinking of the loss of the beautiful white silk blouse! Did you ever get the stains out?

Kate--you know eventually we're going to demand the wearing-husband's-underwear story, right? ;-)

buffie--did you look down your nose and tell him, "everyone's doing it, didn't you know?" and then shake your head and sigh when he said he didn't know? Yeah, I probably wouln't have either...I always think of such good comebacks after the fact. Thanks for sharing your story!

Kirsten said...

anna, way to survive the day with undies intact! I wasn't sure if that was possible around here! :-)

doglady, you perform opera? Now I'm truly star struck. I love opera. Never actually been to one, but I could listen to Cecilia Bartoli and Renee Fleming all day long. What part do you sing?

Canoeing was awesome, by the way. We went to a lake with a lovely muddy bottom, and the mud squished between our toes all afternoon as we canoed and swam. What more could you ask for labor day weekend?

Thanks for joining my commando-support unit! Ya'll are the best! I just loved reading everyone's stories!!

Keira Soleore said...

Inara: LOVED your photos. You're just too cute!

Hats off to you for your guts to wear ahem under a skirt. I would've worn that black underwear and the bike shorts, because I just know that otherwise I would walk over a vent or a huge gust of wind would come out of nowhere and ahem ahem.

Hello to JoRo's Kennan!! And to your sister, too! :)

Opera, Pamela? WOW!

Many thanks to you Banditas!! I was having a rough Saturday afternoon/evening, but you've made it all better!!!!

Authorness said...

These stories are all so funny! I'm glad I'm not the only one who has had clothing diasters. You've all given me the courage to share.

Once, I turned up to work wearing a black dress back to front and inside out. Another time I wore two different black flat shoes.

The last disaster was a few weeks ago - I tried on a gorgeous, expensive silk dress in a fancy store. It didn't have a zipper and it went on okay. I decided to buy it. But I couldn't get the dress off. I struggled, silently, for ages. Finally I had to admit defeat and ask the saleswoman to come in and help. She claimed this kind of thing happens all the time but I'm not so sure. I can't ever go back to that store.

doglady said...

authorness, I love the story about trying on the dress in the store! That is a novel-worthy event! kirsten, I am actually a retired opera singer. I say that, but I always manage to get roped into singing at least one and most years two concerts a year. I sang coloratura soprano roles, which for the most part consisted of witches (the Queen of the Night from Mozart's Die Zauberflote) bitches (Lulu from Alban Berg's opera of the same name) and dingbats (Gilda from Rigoletto and Zerlina from Don Giovanni)I sang all over Europe and had a ball doing it. Let me tell you, Janet Jackson does not know the meaning of the words "Wardrobe malfunction" when compared to the members of a traveling opera company!!

Kirsten said...

Keira, thanks! I'm glad you enjoyed the blog today. My embarrassment should benefit someone! :-)

authorness, I loved your story. Note to self: always dress shop with a friend...

doglady, I am truly in awe. Can you recommend some new voices for me to listen to?

Trish Milburn aka Tricia Mills said...

authorness, I had one of those dressing room events too. I was trying on a formal to wear to National in New York, it was near closing time, and this dress didn't have a zipper. It was just a slip on. I got it on, but then I totally panicked when I couldn't get it off. After much freaking out at the idea that the dress would have to be cut off me and contorting, I finally got it off and nearly ran from the store.

Donna MacMeans said...

My big secret embarrassing story -
I intentionally went commando when my hubby and I went to a fancy restaurant in Hawaii. My plan was to wait for the right moment and tell me that underneath my long black sexy sundress was - absolutely nothing. The dinner began with the waiter preparing the ceasar salad at our table. As we watched over glasses of wine, he mixed the various ingrediants and then accidentally knocked over the pepper grinder...which hit my water glass...which poured into my lap. Talk about ice cold! But I was afraid to move as I wasn't sure how the fabric reacted to water. Was it now translucent? Fortunately, it was a dark, dark restaurant. I managed to hold my head high as I scurried for the woman's room and a roaring blow dryer.

Kirsten said...

Way to go Donna, for being the only one brave enough to tell an INTENTIONAL commando story! Love it! :-)

Donna MacMeans said...

Brave? Or incredibly foolish - time will tell :)

Keira Soleore said...

Time WILL tell? Time must've already told!! :) So what did it say?

Doglady: WOW! That's impressive. Acting in a traveling theater company sounds hard enough, but opera?!!

NoleneBrandieJoaquina said...
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