Tuesday, April 6, 2010

My Idea of Hell....

by Jeanne Adams

So I was in Chuck E. Cheese the other day.... (Yes, now you know where the idea for this blog came from) I decided that it would be one of the worst tortures known to womankind to have to stay there for longer than the two-hour stint I survived.

Eating there? Oh, that's its own kind of hell. Cardboard pizza, wilty lettuce...yep, hell.

Yet, my sons love it. They love the noise and chaos and bings and whistles and endless, inane singing by the mechanical Chuck E Cheese. URG!!! For them, it's a kind of boy-designed-mad-rush-heaven. Games. Flashy lights. They want to go again. Tonight.

Nooooooo!

For those of you without children, I'm sure that it's even worse to have to enter one of these places.

Now my children would say that hell is Mom without coffee, sleep, or regular meals. I confess that I get a bit testy - yes, I said TESTY - if I don't have my coffee or eat regularly. (And yes, that IS me, before coffee. The hair's a lot blonder than it looks in this picture. Really.)

After a taste of heaven over the weekend - Easter! Treats! Jeweled eggs! - and a Launch Party for Christie yesterday (WOOT, WOOT!) you KNOW I had to go the other way, didn't you? Bwah-ha-ha-ha!

So, like I said, all this Chuck E Cheese business and lack of coffee got me to thinking about Hell, Circa 2010.

You see, I'm pretty sure that the whole fiery doom thing has given way to a 21st century modernization effort. I believe (a la Chuck E Cheese), that the devil has instituted a more psychological direction for the Modern Hell.

After all, individualization is probably MUCH more satisfying than mere across-the-board-flame. Truly, there are so many options in these modern times! (Wow, thinking about the devil's options really reminds me to keep on the straight and narrow, I tell ya'! )

For instance, it would be torture to me to have to watch even one episode of Hoarders. *shuddddddder* A whole season? I would simply curl up and die. There's something about it that horrifies me.... Euwwwwwww!

For others, it's having to watch endless CSI, Criminal Minds or Southland. All shows I love.

The devil would know this and plan accordingly. I would never get THAT room, the CSI/Crime show room with Nick and H and Derrick and Mac. Nope.

Another hellish prospect for me would be to have to listen to a steady diet of opera. Oh, Saints, preserve me!

I like it in small doses (Apologies, Louisa!), but to have it be my only listening "pleasure"? Hell. Pure, unadulterated hell.

(Remember, the ever-so-luscious Phantom of the Opera is musical theater, NOT opera...I could listen to musical theater allllllll day long....which would be my husband's idea of hell, btw!)

Then there's kids toys and shows. Some of them can, I know, make parents and grandparents shudder and quake at the very mention of their names.

The following give me the eye-twitch-shudder reponse:

Barney.

Large quantities of Playdoh, which the kids then mix to an amorphous, color neutral mass. Arrrrrrgh! It's TORTURE to me when they mix the colors! ARRRGH!!

K-nex and/or Legos scattered everywhere, and particularly the sound of them rattling up the vaccuum cleaner hose....

SpongeBob.

As I said, it's not just the kid stuff that gives me the creeps.

I can think of a lot more things that would constitute the tortures of hell without breaking bad and going all Disney on Old Scratch.

Going to the DMV. For anything. At all.

Reliving Prom. (No, that ISN'T me, I tore those pictures up. *shudder*)

Bikini waxes....

But the Crowning HELL for me is computer problems.

A Full Brazillian - which I'm convinced was a "beauty effect" dreamed up in the 9th Circle of Hell - would be preferable to a computer crash.

Did I mention that my laptop did just that - crash - in December? So I know of which I speak. Having to pray (and pay!) for the recovery of the data, was an unmitigated horror.

Thankfully, my September 2010 book, Deadly Little Secrets was turned in (Safe!), but the follow up book, Deadly Little Lies, which will come out next year, was NOT. AND....

*Shock! Horror! Agony!* it was NOT BACKED UP. (Now, before you scold me, this was because the auto backup feature was one of the things which FAILED!)

Like I said, Crowning HELL. In the middle of holidays, family crises and the general mayhem that is my life, would I have to recreate this book from scratch?

And did I mention that I had just been introduced to my new editor? For someone I'd just met, someone with her hands on my career, would THIS be her first impression? ARRRRGH!!!

May blessings rain down upon her, my GirlyGeek (that's the name of her biz, btw!) DID recover it, all but a few days of work.

That, I could live with.

I must be doing something right.

Truly, though, ANY computer problem is its own version of Hell, don't you think? We depend so much on them....scary, huh?

Beyond computers, though, there are so many other things that constitute hell, or at least hell-ish, things for me. I could go on all day.

Are you tired of this yet? Is THIS your idea of hell, me going on and on and on and on...droning....

Sorry. So, some other hellish things to me are:

Leather bikinis - Really? Who wears this, and more importantly who thought it was a good idea? I can only think they would be hot, uncomfortable, smelly after only a few wearings...the sensory isssues alone ...ewwww.

And as a corollary: Thongs. Seriously people. Instruments of torture in and of themselves.

*Drum roll* The ultimate torture devices:

Ultra-high-heeled shoes. I adore shoes in general and I love a lot of specific shoes (Don't get me or Tawny or Anna S started on the shoe thing...) But, do you NEED to have a more than 5 inch heel? Really? Who could walk in this?

Pantyhose. Purely created by some cranky imp on the 7th circle of Hell.

Car problems. Small or large, anything with the car is a pain. Sometimes in the neck, sometimes in the wallet, but ALWAYS a pain.
Okay, okay, I'll stop now. Are you writhing in agony?

That's just a taste of my extremely long list. I have a vivid imagination, as you all know. Heeeey! This could be a book:

"How Satan Tortures the Modern Writer Mom."

Now I know that some people think these are simple, easily brushed aside issues.

Hell for THEM includes such fine items as visits from relatives, speaking in public, and making dinner for (or even speaking to) the in-laws, all things which hold no fear whatsoever for me, which is why, I believe, the devil has had to change his tactics.

The whole one-size-fits-all-flame routine just won't do it anymore.

Since it's a fine, sunny spring day, and we're on an Easter high, I figure we can toss a few ideas around without attracting Old Scratch's notice, right? So what to do you say...

What's hellish for you? Let's talk torture...

85 comments:

limecello said...

Eek!

limecello said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
limecello said...

Jeanne - what a post!

Haha, ok and seriously - I wasn't planning on commenting first again, but I checked the blog... and there it was... 0 comments- too fortuitous to pass up, right?!
Ugh Chuck E Cheese has awful food. Still not quite sure why it was so much fun as a kid O_o
And "lol" to the pic of you. Pft.
Um, as for the Phantom picture you dug up... um *hello* I have never, ever seen that before. *tries not to drool*
Um, and actually, perfect post for me to be commenting on. I was saying how I felt like the universe was out to get me, and someone had cursed me.
In less than 2 weeks, my macbookpro died, as well as my canon powershot SD600 (digital camera) - and today my desktop might've gotten hit too. [The first two are due to my sister's dog that I was watching. If I didn't love the little thing so much I would've thrown her out the window.]
We call my car the death mobile (and since I drive a Toyota the nick name only becomes more and more apt...) - it was "christened" in 07? (There was one year I was in 3-4 accidents? V. Sad.)
Anyway I could go on but that's too depressing :P

Heh- I think this is a post a lot of us will have fun adding in our two cents :X Or more like 2 dollars.

Jeanne (AKA The Duchesse) said...

Heeey! Lime! Okay, had to both wince and laugh about the dog and the computer and camera.

Isn't that Phantom pic FAB??? Slurpy!!

grins.

Anna Campbell said...

Ha hahaha! Jeanne, I love it! I've never been to a Chuck E. Cheese - do Americans use 'chuck' as a synonym for vomit? If so, I think it's a VERY unfortunate name. A bit like root beers. Yeah, root is a synonym for nooky. So too much root beer leads to too much rooting, if you get my drift! I think it's interesting that Satan and Santa are so similar! Makes me think of that old joke: What's the definition of an agnostic, insomniac dyslexic? Someone who stays awake at night wondering if there is a dog. Hugs on the computer problems. My computer died about two weeks ago and I'm still lighting candles and singing hosannas for the computer guy who got me EVERYTHING off the old one, including old emails. That was a hairy moment - although I was comforted by the thought that I'd sent my almost-complete manuscript to about ten different locations around the world just in case this happened.

Anna Campbell said...

Oh, have to say, endless Andrew Lloyd Webber? My definition of hell! Or Abba. It was horrible - I lived through Abba first time around and hated it and then I had to live through the revivals. Life can be cruel sometimes! Yeah, I know, most people love it - I respect your choices but I don't share them!

Helen said...

Lime there is something going on between you two and obviously he has lots of fun at your place.

Jeanne

What a post awesome we don't have Chuk E Cheese here in Australia something I now am grateful for because I know it would be a place that Jayden would love to go to and because he would easily talk me into taking him there LOL.

I gotta say thank God you saved your books from the computer crash I do so love reading your books can't wait till September. I really don't like talking in public it scares me badly and if I have to do it I get it over and done with first and quickly. I too do not like it when something goes wrong with the car becauses it then costs lots money to get fixed.
Our PC crashed last year and it was like having your right arm cut of not having it and although they saved all the work we had on it I still haven't managed to get it all back to where it was so it still takes me ages to find stuff LOL and of course it cost us heaps to get fixed and I was not a happy chappy at the time. I too like my coffee and this seems to keep me happy.

Have Fun
Helen

Jeanne (AKA The Duchesse) said...

Hey Anna! Oh, condolences on YOUR computer problems! Yikes! Wow on all the old emails though. That was one of the things I lost. I didn't realize until that event, how much I go back and find data in those old emails....urg. :>

Had to LOL on Santa/Satan. Snork.

PinkPeony said...

Hi Jeanne:

My idea of hell is going to Costco and dealing with people who stop their cart in the aisle and block the twenty carts behind them just so they can sample some tidbit in a plastic cup. I also hate going to Chinatown where little old ladies cut in front of me. I know we're supposed to be respectful of our elders but these women are aggressive with very sharp elbows. I usually don't say anything but I did once and the woman cursed at me. My Chinese is pretty bad, but I do remember the curse words. :)

Finally, I hate it when my brother in law calls and asks if it's okay if he and my nephews can stop by to say "hello" on their way home from the zoo. I love my nephews but I like to write during the afternoon when it's quiet and before the neighbor's kids get home from school and start pogo-sticking in the backyard! But I'm a sucker. By the time they're gone, I've fed all of them, they've trampled my garden, emptied the water from the fountain and the cat bowls, and left a trail of Goldfish crackers all over the house and in the heater vents. My BIL (who sounds like Lurch) says..Jen, we love coming here...the beer's always cold. Heh.
Sucking it up in CA
Congrats, Lime.

Jeanne (AKA The Duchesse) said...

Heehee on the Abba, Anna. There's so muc of the revival stuff that I roll my eyes about - the That's 70's Show, for instance. I remember those clothes and hairstyles and hated them the FIRST time around...

Jeanne (AKA The Duchesse) said...

Helen, your Jayden would probably LOVE Chuck E. Cheese. Be glad you don't have them down there. :> Anna, you asked about Chuck - yes, but it's usually used as "Upchuck" for vomit. Grins. Of course, NOW I'm going to think about that and snork over it every time I go there. Thanks, that'll help!

Jeanne (AKA The Duchesse) said...

Oh Pink! I feel your pain on the Costco run! :> I go on Wednesdays at around 2 pm...niiiice and quiet. Grins.

Had to LOL too about the little cursing Chinese ladies with sharp elbows.

OMGosh on the goldfish crackers in the vents and the emptied bowls and fountains. Yikes. My sister would KILL me if I did that, or let my hubby do it. Grins. YOu get stars in your crown for agreeing to it.

Virginia said...

Believe it or not going to Wal-Mart is Hell for me and right now they are remodeling our store and moving everything around. I haven't found the books for two weeks now! Also hate car breaks down on you and your out away from home in it. Even down to a flat tire because every time its happen to me the spare is flat too! As far a computer go my hubby works on them some in his spare time so we usually have an extra, he has his and I have mine and then there is still an extra one around but that doesn't stop you from loosing things. We both run an extra hard drive to put the most important things on, like my book marks and e-books and such are all on my backup hard drive! This comes in handy if you do have a crash!

Debra Key Newhouse said...

Ahhhh - Chuck E. Cheese. I had these nostalgic memories of dear old Chuck from when my daughter was small, so when my granddaughter asked me to take her to Chuck E. Cheese, I leaped at the chance. My daughter had her convinced that only in the land of Pennsylvania did Chuck E. Cheese exist. They live in drab, boring Miami Beach, two blocks from the beach, so of course the 4 yo bought it. We arrived at Chuck E. Cheese with a festive smiles, holding hands, and full of love. After 15 minutes, I had a twitch in my left eye. After 30 minutes, the migraine from HELL was visiting. And when we were trying to leave after almost two hours, I was sure I was going to have an aneurysm at any moment. And my 4 yo granddaughter was in an argument with the clerk over what toy she wanted for her tickets. I went to the car and let those with death wishes deal with the 4 yo who was not getting the toy her friend had gotten at a Chuck E. Cheese in some other exotic land. And I said prayers for the clerk who had to tell this very stubborn child no.

BTW, the now 5 yo called me on Saturday. First to tell me I missed her birthday party. Second to tell me I had only sent her $10 for Easter instead of $20 like I had for Valentine's Day (we didn't have change!!). And third to tell me her mama wasn't there. I said I didn't need to speak to her mama. And she pretty much said that was good because she was in Ecuador. HUH? She had just text'd me on Thursday to say she would be calling me later.

Why am I telling you this? Just so you won't be surprised that after you raise your child, your grandchild will come along, and you'll be back at Chuck E. Cheese faster than you can say "Do they serve adult beverages here?" and your kid will probably be in South America.

Jeanne (AKA The Duchesse) said...

Oh, WalMart is hell for a lot of us, Virginia! Grins.

I love the external hard drive backups, don't you? I now have a nice shiny one. I've had an older not-so-shiny one, but that auto-backup failed. Hence my data loss. I had backed up to a thumb drive too - belt and suspenders! - but not recently enough when the compu crash hit. Sigh.

Hope you find the WalMart book section soon!

Jeanne (AKA The Duchesse) said...

OH Debra! SNORK!!! Ecuador?? Yikes.

You said: After 15 minutes, I had a twitch in my left eye. After 30 minutes, the migraine from HELL was visiting. And when we were trying to leave after almost two hours, I was sure I was going to have an aneurysm at any moment.

See, people! I'm not making this up. Twitches! Severe avoidance behaviours! This is the threat posed by Chuck E Cheese!

Snork

Jeanne (AKA The Duchesse) said...

I'm off to bed. Alas, I'll probably have nightmares about Chuck E Cheese rather than sweet dreams about The Phantom, but hey, it's sleep... Grins.

Jane said...

Hi Jeanne,
I avoid going to Chuck E. Cheese with my niece. It's a ripoff. The games tokens are expensive. Hell for me is taking the subway during rush hour. Some people insist on trying to squeeze themselves in the crowded train.

Congrats, Lime.

Tawny said...

ROFLMAO!!! I am dying here, given that I spent most of Monday at Chuck E. Cheeses for my daughter's birthday party LOL. Yep, the food sux. Hugely.

Hell, for me, is so many things. I'm totally with you on the computer crashes - shudder! I had an online backup system that crashed. Luckily I also backup to a secondary hard drive, to a jump drive and to my Beth drive (okay, she's not really a drive, but I send her everything so if I do crash, there's a good chance she's got my wip within at least 3 chapters of wherever I crashed at).

But pure, mind-numbing, shoot me now hell? Waiting. Waiting for anything. Waiting to lose weight when I'm working so damned hard at the diet/exercise life. Waiting to hear on writing news. Waiting for my tax refund (holy cow, what's taking so long?) Waiting for a table in a crowded restaurant. Waiting 45 minutes past my appt time at the doctors office before being seen. Waiting in line anywhere...

Yeah, I can feel my blood pressure spiking as I type LOL.

I think I need to go meditate and try to erase all this ugliness from my mind. I think I'll stare at pictures of shoes while I do :-D But only with 4 inch heels. Like you say, 5 is just insane.

Gillian Layne said...

Jeanne, can I say WOW on your cover? Cause...WOW, girl. It's hot. :)

I have pretty sensitive ears, so my idea of hell are things like being stuck in traffic behind one of those people who do those weird things to the bass in their car so the entire vehicle vibrates everything around it? (Now, I live in a pretty small town, so this effect is also hilarious. Who are they trying to impress? The local farmers?)

My dentist has this new water pick cleaning device that emits a nasty high pitched squeal. I almost always make them quit and go back to manual tools. But dental visits (and mine is even very, very nice) are there own definition of hell.

And department stores with the horrible high-pitched whine--I think it's their lights. I have turned around and left many a nice store because of that horrid whine.

I'm pretty oblivious to kid stuff. :)

Christie Kelley said...

Jeanne, great post. Thanks for reminding me of the hell that is Chuck E Cheese. I have seriously had three migraines from this place. I think it's the noise that does it. The last party my youngest was invited to there (several years ago), I told my husband that he had to take the boy. My husband returned stating my son would never go back there again (and he hasn't).

And you had better be backing up your work now!

Jeanne (AKA The Duchesse) said...

Mornin' Jane! Oooh, crowded subways. This would be hell for me too. I've gotten out of the habit of being around THAT many people. I might be...rude.

And we wouldn't want that, now would we? *evil grin*

Jeanne (AKA The Duchesse) said...

Tawny said: I think I'll stare at pictures of shoes while I do :-D But only with 4 inch heels. Like you say, 5 is just insane.

Heehee. Hope you had a lovely meditation time and didn't have to...wait for it...WAIT for the calm to kick in.

Grins.

I'm in a mood today, sorry. (Stayed up too late, got up too early.)

Jeanne (AKA The Duchesse) said...

Hi Gillian! Had to LOL about the picture of the kids with the boom-boom music in a small town, impressing the farmers.

Or the cows for that matter. Grins. Never know a cow to pass up a good bass vibe....snork.

You can be oblivious to kid stuff? Lucky you!

And *wince* on the high-pitched whines. I'm with you there.

Jeanne (AKA The Duchesse) said...

Christie! Launch-party-DIVA!!! Grins. Speaking of nice covers....

BTW, Gillian, forgot to say thanks about the cover - isn't it luscious???

Okay, where was I? Oh, yes, Christie's great cover...no, chuck e cheese as a migraine inducer.

Urg.

I'd rather talk about covers!

(Glad he's not been back, as Gillian says, they're expensive!! and SO noisy!)

MsHellion said...

*spewing soda at monitor at Satan picture* OMG! That's hilarious!

Hellion's Hellish Things

1.) Class reunions (I don't attend)
2.) Classmates from my hometown who I run into at the most inopportune moment (I don't like them)
3.) Car shopping
4.) Clothes shopping
5.) Bikini shopping
6.) Nicholas Sparks' novels
7.) Quentin Taranitino movies
8.) Application season between March 1 and June 30 (my version of Tax Season)
9.) Children (about 99% of the ones I mean, I mean there are some who are adorable and I wouldn't mind adopting)
10.) The phone ringing. I'm not a fan of phones.

Jeanne (AKA The Duchesse) said...

Hellion said: 6.) Nicholas Sparks' novels

Ohhhhh, don't EVEN get me started!!! *Thunderous frown*

On a better note, I LOL at your list. So should we be avoiding you right now? It's App Season. My DH is an accountant (non-profit) so he has his hell-season from Jan 1 to Mar 31. THank heavens we're past it for another year. :>

Phones? Really? I guess I"m such an extrovert that I'm usually like, "Oooh, who's calling? Who do I get to talk to?"

Woe betide the salesman who catches me when I've not talked to the humans for a while. (The children don't count, conversation is severly limited before coffee and I drop them at school before coffee) I've been known to get telemarketers to hang up on ME. Evil Grins.

Jeanne (AKA The Duchesse) said...

I'll be back in a bit, ya'll...keep the party going!

Joan said...

Mamma Mia, here I go again, my, my...

That's for you Anna from Joanie who LOVES Andrew Lloyd and Abba

Joan said...

Now ya'll know I don't have children, so have never been to the house of Chuck.

I did, however, attend my brother's grandson's 3 yo birthday party at a local rip off place called Gatti land. Aside from the sound barrier breaking noise, the food wasn't too bad. Course, I did not dare go into the GAME room.

My friend has 3 little girls. They attended an event at Chuck's wherein the Chuckster came out and...his head fell off.

Cue traumatized screams of a dozen 3 yo.

The girl in the costume recovered by explaining that her "brother" had gotten hold of bad cheese and she was there in his place.

Little Ella still has a tick in her left eye.

And I've only been to Costco once...with the Duchesse last year. I was FASCINATED!! I mean, where else can you but 2 tons of Goldfish crackers??!!

But now Kroger...on Senior Discount day...

"No Ma'm," Joanie said to the 99 yo in plaid pants, "I can't believe the price of toilet paper"

Gahhhh

Karyn Gerrard AKA~Drew said...

OMG, I spewed my tea over the Brazilian wax for five cents! LOL!

Hell. Hmmmm. Going to the dentist is a given. I hate the lectures over the flossing of teeth. Yada, yada.

Doing taxes. I loathe it. I have until April 30th here in Canada and I just keep putting it off.

Playing lame games at showers. Sorry, I don't want to walk across the carpet with a clothes pin between my thighs and try and drop it in a bottle. Bring out the food!

Spammy emails. Sorry, not in the market for 75% off Viagra.

People who let their kids run amok in restaurants or any public place.
(Can you tell I don't have kids? LOL! Low threshold here.)

Great post Jeanne, I feel better already for unburdening!

Anna Sugden said...

Great post - Jeanne! I've never been to a Chuck-E-Chees, but your description makes me think it would be my kind of hell too.

I'm so with you on computer problems - got that t-shirt! I now have everything double and triple backed up to an external hard drive and my writing to an extra flash drive. I switched to Outlook to make sure it was easier to save my old emails. Plus, I make sure everything I need is in the My Documents file - useful tip - restoring one or two files (even if they're huge) is so much cheaper than restoring everything!

As for my other personal hells - I'm with you on the shoes - anything above 4" is dumb. I'm also with you on bikini waxes, thongs (or, as I like to call them, cheesewire knickers).

Also hate dentist visits, doctor's receptionists, rap/hip-hop/mega-bass music, elevator muzak, lousy drivers (especially the rude ones!), spammers and those people in restaurants who have booming voices and boring stories.

Don't get me started on reality TV.

Or people who are sniffy about romance novels.

Or bad sports commentators.

Or horrid sports fans from an opposing team! ;)

Or people who sit next to you on a plane and encroach into your seat or sit behind you and kick you all flight long.

Or people who insist on spritzing their perfume in a public place so it makes you choke!

Or politicians.

My biggest idea of hell is coming up over the next month as we prepare for a general election. *thunk*

Donna MacMeans said...

LOL - I remember those Chuck E. Cheese days! They were torturous back then, and nostalgic now - go figure (grin).

My idea of torture would be standing in a long line (like at the post office) that doesn't move (like at the post office) with someone on a cell phone behind me talking very loud (like at the post office).

Why is it that being near someone on a cell phone is a real PITA? Is it that the forced eavesdropping makes us feel guilty? Or is it that the restricted conversation makes us feel excluded? Either way it's annoying.

Used to be that I'd say being stuck in an airplane on the tarmack would be a living hell - but that happened to me and it wasn't that bad. Of course, I had the window seat in a two person row and the person next to me was interesting. So I'll amend that to being stuck on the tarmac of a packed plane with a crying baby in front of me and a person on the cell phone behind me - and the person next to me eating some strange carry-on food concoction full of garlic. Oh - and the person next to me doesn't read books, much less romance. (I've had some great conversations on planes when seated next to a romance reader - now that's heaven!)

Tracy Garrett said...

Jeanne,
What a fabulous post! And my idea of hell? Multiple hour weather delays at the end of a perfect vacation--when I'm stuck inside security and just finished my last book.

Deb said...

There have been a couple of hellish moments in my mostly uneventful life. The biggest, though, is when I took my 2 nieces to Playstation one winter's day and everybody and his brother had the same idea. My 2-year-old niece braves the equipment only to get in the middle of a clear, tube-like contraption and decides she is scared. Too scared to back out, too scared to crawl forward, and kids screaming at her from both ends. Adults, OF COURSE, are NOT allowed up in that part of the maze, so I had to coax her 5-year-old sister to help her down.

Barney and Teletubbies--need I say more?

Major hellish moment--no chocolate in the house.

Funny post, Jeanne. Giggle moments!

Deb said...

P.S. The last few are hellish-then-funny-now moments.
THE WORST hellish moments of my life have been 1) when Shary was airlifted to the hospital at age 5 with a terrible asthma attack; and 2) when my husband Jerry had a 2nd heart attack in December of 2008.

Debra Key Newhouse said...

ACK! I've probably given the impression that my granddaughter is a brat. Far from it! She comes from a "mixed culture" family lol Her father and her grandparents (who live with her and are SUCH wonderful people) come from a culture where money is important since they come from refugee camps. My poor daughter, who is out saving the world (hey, she made above the fold of the NYT last week with work she's doing with the Haitians in FL) keeps saying "She's learning that stuff from the other side of the family. I tell her I go to work to help other people. She says I should be like her baba and go to work to make money" :-) So my granddaughter, with the poor clerk at Chuck E Cheese, was simply using her (excuse the term) Arab Camel trading abilities. I tell her baba, who is the son of my heart, he's the best camel trader I've ever met. lol If I ever get a book deal, I'm going to let him handle the contract. LOL! And yes, they are Palestinian. Love 'em with all my heart.

What gets on my nerves to the nth degree? These idiots protesting funerals. WTF??? Husbands waiting impatiently for their wives (this is happening at this moment, and I'm getting a twitch in my other eye). High School classmates asking me if I'm coming to the reunion this summer....NO, it's the same time as Nationals (that you RWA for a great excuse). People who call me at midnight and just want to chat. Please have the decency to have a blood, flood or fire excuse. My mother asking me every day if whatever I am eating is on my weight loss plan. Uh, Mom, thanks to you and Dad, I have had this conversation for 56 years, and it stops NOW. The Dentist is right up there with everyone else's. My brother's wife. Oops. Did I say that outloud? Loved his first wife. *sigh* Any high heels - I'm so clutzy that I always fall, no matter what I weigh and how high they are. A dirty house and no one to clean it lol. Well, I think my husband is developing a twitch, so I'll go. for now. I may be back to snark and bitch later.

Loucinda McGary aka Aunty Cindy said...

FANTASTIC POST, Le Duchesse!!!

Now PURE UNADULTERATED H*LL would be a Chuck E. Cheese INSIDE Wal-Mart. ARGH!!!!!!!!!!!

Thank heavens I haven't been inside a Chuck E. Cheese in about 20 years, and I intend to KEEP IT THAT WAY!

Wal-Mart, alas, I have to go in way more than I like (which would be once at 11 PM when nobody else is there). The WORST time thought, is the first Saturday of the month. We have a plethora of people in my area who get paid on the 1st and the first Saturday is the MAJOR shopping day for everyone. GAH!!! I try to keep far, FAR away from every shopping venue.

AC

Loucinda McGary aka Aunty Cindy said...

Oh VA, I soooo hear you about people who are "sniffy" about romance novels. Most of them have never actually READ a romance novel. Or worse, they think Nicholas Sparks writes romance. NOOOOO!!!!!

As for planes, those kicking your seat from behind are bad enough (usually it is a child and HELLO! The parent is sitting right next to them ALLOWING them to do it.) but the ones who REALLY FROST ME are the people who RECLINE their seat right into your lap for the entire flight, including meals!

NO, they are not sleeping, just incredibly RUDE. I've asked the flight attendant to please not serve my meal until the person in front of me SITS UP. The moron inevitably turns around like, "Oh, I'm BOTHERING YOU?!?!" Here's hoping there's a special circle in hell for those inconsiderate slobs...

Okay, in my version of eternal punishment, there IS! MUAHAHAHA!

AC

TerriOsburn said...

I think I've been in a Chuck E. Cheese maybe three times. And I'm a parent. No idea how I've avoided it, but I'm thankful. Now she's pre-teen and I should be good from here on out.

My idea of hell would be having to watch Fox News. Whether for 5 minutes or 5 hours, it would feel the same - like an ETERNITY!

That last poster in the blog makes me want to stab someone. LOL!

Susan Sey said...

Ooooh, Jeanne, I've just been to hell! I can tell you all about it! It's when your kids take turns barfing (a couple turns each, actually) then give it to you so you can have your turn! And then just when you think you're in the clear, when you're so glad it's over because your sanity was seriously on the line? One of them does it all over the breakfast table.

Yeah. That's hell. It ain't pretty.

Glad to be back home. :-)

Pat Cochran said...

Hi, Jeanne,

You certainly touched upon several
of my ideas of the fiery place! I
I nodded in agreement when you mentioned kiddie shows. For me, it
was the third & fourth time going
through some, especially Barney,
with each of the children! You
think I would have learned! At
least there are newer shows with
the younger grandchildren!

Pat Cochran

Tawny said...

Jeanne said: Heehee. Hope you had a lovely meditation time and didn't have to...wait for it...WAIT for the calm to kick in.

Oh, now that's mean.

I liked it.

*g*

p226 said...

You ever notice that Chuck E Cheese sounds an awful lot like a Casino floor? I mean, try this the next time you're in there. Close your eyes. In your mind, picture the main slot floor of the Barbary Coast in Vegas. The sounds will *fit*.

There's an interesting psychological commentary in that somewhere. But I'm going to leave it alone for now.

And, I must protest at the depiction of the "full Brazilian" as hell. See, I kind of view that as paradise. P-A-R-A-D-I-S-E. It is a very good thing.

As for computer problems, meh. That's my world. And, I can recall many times dealing with broken this or that and declaring, "I. Am. In. Hell." So, I kind-of get that.

But, let's not knock the Brazilian. I mean, talking disparagingly about paradise is blasphemy, is it not?

Jeanne (AKA The Duchesse) said...

I'm baaaaaaack! Didja miss me? sorry for the long absence...traffic....another hellish thing

Jeanne (AKA The Duchesse) said...

Joanie said: Little Ella still has a tick in her left eye.

And I've only been to Costco once...with the Duchesse last year. I was FASCINATED!! I mean, where else can you but 2 tons of Goldfish crackers??!!


Wasn't that fun, Joanie? Had to LOL about the 99 year old...

Jeanne (AKA The Duchesse) said...

Hey Drew!! I'm snorking and LOL about your comments. Love them all.

Drew said: Playing lame games at showers. Sorry, I don't want to walk across the carpet with a clothes pin between my thighs and try and drop it in a bottle. Bring out the food!

jo robertson said...

Terrific, LOL post, Jeanne. This is my super laugh of the day, much needed as Emma is into everything now!

I may be the only person who actually LIKES Chuck E Cheese. It's a great, safe place to take kids and let them run amuck while adults visit. I actually don't mind the pizza and the cinnamon sticks are delish!

In fact, we're going this Friday!

Jeanne (AKA The Duchesse) said...

Anna said: Or people who are sniffy about romance novels.

Or people who sit next to you on a plane and encroach into your seat or sit behind you and kick you all flight long.


Oh so true on all levels!!!

jo robertson said...

OMG, Lime, that's a horrible stream of bad luck. Hope it's broken now.

Hmmm, Anna, I've never heard that definition for "root." Most of us Americans pronounce it with an OO sound, but some westerners I've known rhyme it with "rut." Now that fits your definition.

Buffie said...

Jeanne, this is one wonderful post!!! You had me laughing so hard.

I see romance novels and a house of wrestlers are not the only thing we share. And I'm glad to see that I'm not the only parent who hates Chuck E Cheese. I don't take my kids there. In fact, I have told them I WON'T take them there. If they want to go to that awful place, then ask the grandparents!!! And that's what they do :-)

And please don't get me started on Barney!!! My oldest loved Barney when he was little. And whenever he was sick, he always wanted to watch the Barney tapes we had. I remember one weekend he was sick and we literally watched Barney all freakin' weekend!! I still remember the words to Down on Grandpa's Farm. Now I'm going to be singing that song all day long. Gee, thanks Jeanne! :-)

jo robertson said...

Oh, Pink, I sympathize with that. In fact, MY idea of Hell is having to GO to Costco. It's such an ordeal. I suppose my brain is too tiny to think in sizes that massive. Plus, I'm not convinced I really save money there :-(

Jeanne (AKA The Duchesse) said...

Hey Donna! LOL about the cell phones and lines. I hate that too - I think you've hit it dead on with the enforced eavesdropping.

I also think that a lot of people forget - HOW? - that they're in a public place and can be overheard. The thing's I've learned about husbands, cheating friends, mother-in-laws...wwaaaaay TMI!!! And sometimes scary too...

Jeanne (AKA The Duchesse) said...

Hey Tracey!! You Said: Multiple hour weather delays at the end of a perfect vacation--when I'm stuck inside security and just finished my last book.

Oh, that is hell! Last time this happened to me, it was really late at night too and all the newsstands were closed. URG!! I just started re-reading Donna's Mrs. Brimley, which I'd finished and loved. It was just as good the second time 'round. Grins.

jo robertson said...

Hilarious Chuck E Cheese story, Debra! Thanks for sharing. I'm a very strict grandma, so my kiddies know better than to go crazy there (although I'm sure they'd like to). We buy the tokens and only give them 2 at a time, so they have to come back to check in.

Too funny your granddaughter arguing with the clerk.

Jeanne (AKA The Duchesse) said...

Deb said: Barney and Teletubbies--need I say more?

Eeeeek! I forgot about the Teletubbies. EEEK!

grins.

I had several of those "won't go forward, can't go back" incidents with my older son when he was a tot. My younger one would brave the lion's den, so I've never had that with him. :)

jo robertson said...

Now, see, I must have a completely wrong idea of Hell, Jeanne. I love going to Walmart. I have no idea why, but I feel really good saving money on off-brand products.

Jeanne (AKA The Duchesse) said...

PS to you Deb, those ARE hellish moments, real ones. My DH has asthma, so I can relate. Any time the word "airlifting" comes into play, we're talking real fear.

Sigh. Glad I could make you giggle over these silly ones, anyway!

jo robertson said...

Now I have to stand firmly on the side of Chuck E Cheese, Jane. If you go to the website you can always get a coupon for 50% off the tokens.

Jeanne (AKA The Duchesse) said...

Debra, I loved that story about your granddaughter being a trader! That's so funny. My son is too. My granddaddy was a horse trader and so when my oldest would say, "Mommy, can we have a COMP-ro-mize?" I would just bust out laughing and think of granddad. Grins.

You said: People who call me at midnight and just want to chat. Please have the decency to have a blood, flood or fire excuse.

OMGosh YES!!! If you're ringin' my phone after 10:30 or so, somebody better be dead. Snork. Since I used to be married to a funeral director, if the phone rang after 10, somebody usually WAS dead. Ha!!!

jo robertson said...

I guess I never mentioned my true idea of Hell and I didn't see anyone else mention it. It's a U.S. Treasury Audit. It puts the fear of God in me. Truly. Even though I've never done anything wrong.

One year I had to furnish the birth certificates of all my children. Okay, I got that one -- seven is a bit much.

One year we had to prove that my husband's PhD didn't give him a better job so that we could deduct the literally thousands of dollars the danged degree cost.

Two things you never mess around with -- taxes and child protective services.

Jeanne (AKA The Duchesse) said...

AC said: Now PURE UNADULTERATED H*LL would be a Chuck E. Cheese INSIDE Wal-Mart. ARGH!!!!!!!!!!!

Oh NOOOOOOEEEEES! Don't even THINK this, AC! It might get out there in the ethers and come to be. Eeeeeek!

jo robertson said...

I don't really mind going to the dentist all that much, but I have to have an implant this year and I hear that's hellish. Anyone who can confirm or deny? Can I get the happy gas with it?

Jeanne (AKA The Duchesse) said...

AC said: Most of them have never actually READ a romance novel. Or worse, they think Nicholas Sparks writes romance. NOOOOO!!!!!

Grrrr. This so frosts my chaps, on both counts.

Had to growl with you about the seat reclining thing too. Messed up my knee coming back from teh last RWA Board meeting when the inconsiderate slob in front of me did this and the seat back reclined TOO far and the metal bit whacked my knee. Jeeeez, dude, lighten UP!

Grins.

Jeanne (AKA The Duchesse) said...

Hey Terri! OMGosh, I was spewing Diet Coke about the Fox News. So funny!

Also, that "Make Dinner" poster both makes me wince and cracks me up. Ahhh, complacency, thy name is Mephistopholes!

jo robertson said...

Jeanne said, "OMGosh YES!!! If you're ringin' my phone after 10:30 or so, somebody better be dead."

We old folks set the deadline at 9:00 pm. If my kids call at 9:01, they apologize profusely first LOL. OTOH, we're up by 6:00, so maybe it evens out.

Jeanne (AKA The Duchesse) said...

Susan, you HAVE been to hell and back. I think you deserve a pink heart medal for that bout of Family Flu. URG. Being a sympathetic upchucker (to use Anna's word for fun), the children belong to my husband when they barf.

They are his and he gets to clean them. Unless he wants to clean up after all three of us.

As you say, NOT pretty!

Glad you're back. Here, put your feet up, let Sven massage you. He's recovered from yesterday, I think, at least enough to soothe your stressed back...there, there...

Jeanne (AKA The Duchesse) said...

Hey Pat! You said: the third & fourth time going
through some, especially Barney,
with each of the children!


Ohhh, yes. I experienced this particular hell with The Wiggles.

Jeanne (AKA The Duchesse) said...

P226 said: And, I must protest at the depiction of the "full Brazilian" as hell. See, I kind of view that as paradise. P-A-R-A-D-I-S-E. It is a very good thing.


SPEW ALERT!!! Snork!!! Well, you see, you have rather a different perspective on it...if you know what I mean.

Grins.

You don't have to deal with either the actual creation of it, or the...ahem...renewal of it. You just get the...Ahem..experience.


Okay, I'm SO not going there.

*blush*

Jeanne (AKA The Duchesse) said...

Hey Jo! You said: I may be the only person who actually LIKES Chuck E Cheese. It's a great, safe place to take kids and let them run amuck while adults visit. I actually don't mind the pizza and the cinnamon sticks are delish!

WAIT! Cinnamon sticks? Hmmm. *frowns* This is a franchise, right? So you must have a MUCH better franchisee...cinnamon sticks?

*mutter, mutter*

Okay, i will concede that it is safe and you can let them run amok and get the excess energy out. But I ain't never gotten no cinnamon sticks!

Where do I write to protest?

Jeanne (AKA The Duchesse) said...

Buffie said: I still remember the words to Down on Grandpa's Farm. Now I'm going to be singing that song all day long. Gee, thanks Jeanne! :-)

SO sorry...see I'm repaid though because I mentioned the Wiggles in the answer to someone else and now I can't get "Fruit Salad" out of my head. Arrrrrgh!

Major condolences on the Barney weekend though. Even if it's years in the past, it can still give one the shudders, can't it?

Virginia said...

Hi Jeanne, we put an extra internal hard drive in our computers and use is as a back up. My son has four hard drives in his computer!

Jeanne (AKA The Duchesse) said...

Jo said: I guess I never mentioned my true idea of Hell and I didn't see anyone else mention it. It's a U.S. Treasury Audit. It puts the fear of God in me.

Oh, Lord! I'm so there with you. My DH is so not scared of the IRS or Treasury because he's a CPA. Me? Fear of God.

Grins.

Must be those 7 kids that keeps you from getting the twitches over Chuck E Cheese. You're IronWoman!

Debra Key Newhouse said...

OMG - a new kind of hell. Got my list of editor and agents I'm meeting with at the WRW Retreat, and I don't know what I'm supposed to do!! HELP!! Yes. Caught between heaven and hell. What to do, what to do!!

*weep* At least I know what to do at Chuck E Cheese!!

Deb said...

The Wiggles weren't too bad. Fruit salad, yummy, yummy...Dorothy Dinosaur was odd.

I like Fox News, too. (Yep, conservative.)

Louisa Cornell said...

Well Lime your house must be the GR's definition of heaven! He keeps going back for more!

Oh come now, my dear Duchess of Snorkdom! For or five hours of Singing opera is what paid for the five inch heels I used to wear!

You could not get me into Chucky Cheese at gunpoint!

And if it didn't pay for little luxuries like toilet paper and living indoors I would not darken the doors of a Wal-Mart ever again in my life.

My idea of hell? Having to work in that soul-sucking place the rest of my life.

Car trouble of any kind. I hate cars. I hate that I have to have one. I don't trust them. They cost too much and they break down at the worst possible times. Sounds like some of the guys I dated in college!

Rap "music". Sorry, don't get it at all. I love everything from grand opera to Glenn Miller to Etta James to Kid Rock to Metallica to Patsy Cline, but I just don't get rap music. It makes my head hurt right behind my left eye.

Hell would be anyplace I couldn't have my dogs and cats around.

Anyplace without an endless supply of romance novels.

Reality shows the show people behaving badly. I SO don't care. I have enough witches and idiots in my life as it is without seeing someone else's witches and idiots on television!

Jeanne (AKA The Duchesse) said...

From the Duchesse of Snorkville to the Duchess of Hotdayum, Greeting!

Grins.

I see that we share a complete distaste of car issues among many other things. Grins.

Had to LOL about the opera paying for the shoes. Pretty good trade!!

jo robertson said...

Jeanne said, "Okay, i will concede that it is safe and you can let them run amok and get the excess energy out. But I ain't never gotten no cinnamon sticks!"

I will say flat out that you've been ROBBED!! I only go for the cinnamon thingies. They come in a round tin pan and have cinnamon and sugar and frosting and are WARM!!! Yum.

Cassondra said...

Okay yes..

Chuck E Cheese. Yup. That would be it.

I like Sponge Bob, but I've only seen about three episodes.

Hmmmm...what else? The Mall on Christmas Eve. I don't do that. Shopping on the day after Thanksgiving. I don't do that either. Never have. By the grace of God never will.

Life without toilet paper.

LIfe without birth control.

Birth without drugs....

Okay I better stop now. THis is not going in a good direction.

Jeanne (AKA The Duchesse) said...

Jo said: I will say flat out that you've been ROBBED!! I only go for the cinnamon thingies. They come in a round tin pan and have cinnamon and sugar and frosting and are WARM!!! Yum.

Oh, man, now I FEEL like I've been robbed! I looooovvvvveee cinnamon anything, so I would love those.

Sigh. That might have actually made me like Chuck.

Nancy said...

Jeanne, what a hot cover! Looking forward to that book.

Dunno where you found that shoe. Just looking at it makes my foot hurt.

As for Chuck E. Cheese, I'm so glad to have served my time. When the boy did his birthday parties there, we tried to plan them for maximum time economy. We did ice cream and cake at home so we controlled when that happened. I just don't do well with noise, so it's not a good place for me.

Jeanne (AKA The Duchesse) said...

Cassondra said:
Birth without drugs....Okay I better stop now. THis is not going in a good direction.


Oohhhh now that IS hell!

Gotta agree with you about the Thanksgiving/Christmas eve shopping thing. URG!!!

Jeanne (AKA The Duchesse) said...

Hey Nancy! Sympathies on having done your time at the Chuckster's place.

Grins.

Thanks for your lovely comments about the cover. I am SO delighted with it. Gotta say I've been incredibly lucky with the cover Gods....Maybe it's the Lair's magic, since all the Bandita covers are pretty much rockin'!

Nancy said...

As for other versions of personal hell, having to cook a gourmet dinner would come close. The recipes use too many terms I don't understand.

Having to weed my bookshelf is always a version of misery, though I'm not sure I'd call it hellish.

Trying to dance to the music my students were dancing to a couple of weeks ago. I use the term "music" lightly.

Stores on black Friday definitely qualify. I just don't DO that!

Jeanne (AKA The Duchesse) said...

Nancy said: Having to weed my bookshelf is always a version of misery, though I'm not sure I'd call it hellish.

Oh, I don't know, I find it a bit hellish. :>