Just Point Your Finger and Laugh

by Christine Wells

Lately, I've come to a conclusion that is both slightly depressing and rather freeing.

I am one of those mothers who make all the other mothers feel good.

I am the mother who arrives at school, wild-haired and sans makeup, carrying a rigid 3 year old who is still screaming because he didn't get into the car first; simultaneously trying to calm her anxious 7 year old because we're a little later than usual and he won't have the privilege of turning on the class computers.

I am the mother who forgets her camera on sports days and begs a friend to snap her child, who sends her son in uniform when it's one of those 'wear orange for an obscure cause' days. Who looks vague when people mention tuckshop, Parents and Friends' Association and slings a money at any fundraising initiative rather than commit to actually spending the time. Because she knows she'll either mess it up or forget entirely.

My name is Christine Wells and I am a writer on a deadline.

Not sure if you all have experienced something similar to the kind of haze that falls over a writer when she's in the writing zone, but it is an awesome and frightening thing. I can lose track of time, forget all but the most crucial responsibilities. When I'm in that phase where my creative brain seems to take up all the space in my head it is very hard to shift gears into Mommy mode.

Take Easter, for example. The note that told parents we had to make an Easter bonnet so that our children could participate in the junior school Easter parade didn't find its way home to me. I knew about the parade of course, but last year, the kids made their hats in school.

Arrived on the day before Good Friday (early because of those dang computers) and waited outside the classroom for the teacher. The horror when all those boys and girls started streaming up the stairs with their fancy hats on and here was my poor 7year old with not a feather, curly pipe cleaner or painted egg to his name.

"WHY DIDN'T YOU TELL ME????" I wailed. My son looked at me with his gorgeous big eyes as if I'd run mad. "Oh, yeah," he said.

"Never fear," said I. "I'll go home now and make one." He shrugged a little. "OK."

That resulted in what has to be the fastest craft activity in the history of the universe. After raiding the local newsagent for supplies, I had an extravaganza of a hat ready and raced back to the school to deliver it. Then I went home and cried. Everyone knows this kind of thing scars a child for life!!

I AM A BAD MOTHER!!!

But when regaling the other mothers with my incompetence later in the day, I realized that I perform a very useful and important function in our little community. When someone else is mortified by some glaring omission they've made, all they have to do is look at me.

And then they feel better.

You might imagine, then, that it's with great relish that I write heroes and heroines who are far more competent than I could ever be. In SWEETEST LITTLE SIN, Lady Louisa Brooke is a crack shot and a keen horsewoman. When she's asked to spy for her country, she's unschooled and makes mistakes but she learns quickly and has bucketloads of courage, especially when protecting her loved ones.

Lady Louisa doesn't forget what time her secret assignations are or leave her pistol in her other reticule when the going gets dangerous. I bet she'd make a mean Easter bonnet, too.

The ruthless and dangerous Marquis of Jardine is frighteningly competent. He has uncanny omniscience and cunning, which makes it a challenge to deceive him, as Louisa is intent on doing. But he has one vulnerability, and that's his love for one steely-eyed blonde.

So here's my question to you, readers. Who are your favourite gutsy, competent heroes and heroines? Any funny motherhood stories to tell? C'mon, share the humiliation. At least you'll make everyone else feel better!

Last month, I offered a prize of Sweetest Little Sin, which will be delievered to the winner as soon as they reach my hot little hands! The winner is: Deb!!!!

This month, I'm doing something a little different. Louisa and Jardine first come onto the scene in an earlier book, THE DANGEROUS DUKE, so today I'm offering three signed copies of THE DANGEROUS DUKE to three lucky commenters. Be sure to let me know if you want a copy, as I know a lot of you have already read it. Good luck!

Annoying Heroines

By Anna Sugden

Greetings from Dubai. At least, that’s where I hope I’ll be when this blog posts. So, with a bit of luck, as you read this, I’ll be sunning myself on a beach. Or tucking into some lovely spicy food.

As I write this post, the stack of books for my trip is all ready to go. [Christie - Every Night I’m Yours is on top of the pile!] I’m very excited as this is one of the few chances I get to read uninterrupted for long stretches of time. And I’m looking forward to some excellent reads.

What does this have to do with the topic in hand?

Part of the reason I’m excited is that I’ve read some real duds in February. You know, the kind where you just have to give up because they irritate you so much?

How did this happen? January got off to a kicking start with Tawny’s Does She Dare? [OMG is that book hot!!! And Dante *sigh*]. And continued with Stacey Kayne’s Maverick Wild [ Fab, fab, fab! And Chance *sigh*]

But, towards the end of the month, I found myself struggling through books. Now, I’m not normally one to give up, but in the past few weeks I’ve given up on several. What’s going on?

I’ll tell you - annoying heroines!

Now, I don’t have to feel that a heroine will be my best friend for life, or that she and I have everything in common, but I do have to like her, empathise with her and root for her. And I certainly need to feel that she deserves the hero!

So what annoyed me about the heroines in the dud books? Well, they fell into one of the following five categories:

Too stupid to live.

We all know the classic TSTL heroine - who goes down into the basement with the broken window at night, during an electrical storm which has blown the power … and there’s a serial killer/rapist on the loose in her small town. Thankfully, you don’t see too many of these any more.

But you do get the heroines who go against all advice and rush in where angels (and SEALs/cops/FBI agents etc) fear to tread. I don’t mind if the author has given good justification for why the heroine acts like this. But when it’s just because she thinks she knows better … aaargh!

Too wimpy for words

TWFW is another classic heroine type which we see rarely these days (you know, the violet-eyed, heaving-breasted damsel with the back of her hand to her forehead whimpering “hey-yelp”). But, the odd one does creep in.

This gal doesn’t seem to be able to do anything unless the big, strong hero is there to hold her hand. She dithers at length over the simplest decision (like whether or not to kiss said big, strong hero). She wails when the hero even looks cross and practically faints if there’s an argument. She frets ad nauseum over the slightest wrinkle in her life-plan, until you want to yell at her to get some backbone.

She is probably half-sister to Too Good to be True - see below

Too good to be true

Again, at first glance, this heroine seems okay. But, as the story develops, the reader senses something isn’t quite right.

Can anyone be that perfect? She always says the right things, acts the right way. Never puts a foot wrong, never loses her temper, never has a bad hair day. Her house is always spotless, her kids are perfectly-behaved little darlings, her body makes Elle Macpherson weep and she can rappel down that cliff without smudging her lipstick or breaking a nail. And she’s so kind and generous and sweet, you get tooth-ache.

Too clever by half

TCBH is a new breed of annoying heroine. On the surface, she seems okay. But at critical moments in the story, she suddenly possesses almost super-human talents in areas she has no previous knowledge or skill.

This is the woman who can barely switch a computer on, but is able to hack into some complex system at just the right time to get the information that will bring down the bad guys. Or the one who can come up with a brilliant business plan to save the town, but has never balanced her own cheque-book. Then, there’s the one who has never picked up a gun in her life, but is able to knee-cap the villain who is running away from her, in a rainstorm, at night, in a forest.

If you’re going to give a heroine the chance to save the day, then please make sure you justify it somewhere in her back-story. (eg the reason she can rappel down a sheer cliff at night with a cat in her arms and a child on her back is because her evil father made her do that on holiday as a kid *g*).

Too clichéd and caricatured

This category includes both clichéd heroines and clichéd ‘other women’. And it’s less about their behaviour - though sometimes the contrast between the two would make for a good pantomime - than their looks and their outfits.

TCAC ‘other women’ always have long scarlet nails, perfectly coiffed hair, skin-tight slinky clothes in bold, bright colours and gorgeous shoes (well, they always sound gorgeous to me. Just because the heroine couldn’t walk in them, doesn’t mean they’re not!)

TCAC heroines have short, pale pink or bare nails, wisps of hair escaping their attempt at a perfectly coiffed style, almost demure clothes (but with a surprising dip at the back which leaves her skin conveniently bare for the hero’s touch) in pale, cool colours or basic black. She often can’t walk properly in her shoes, or slips on a pair that is less glamorous, but comfortable!

So, there you have it.

Over to you - what is it about an annoying heroine that bugs you? How much will you put up with before you ditch the book … and her?

Girl Power

Posted by Christine Wells

Don't you love it when a girl gets nasty? Buffy, Sidney in Alias, Charlie's Angels, Wonder Woman. We love women who can defend themselves, whether it's from the Big Bad or against more human instruments of evil. Perhaps it's because women have traditionally been seen as passive victims--when a sister goes out there and kicks butt, we all cheer.

I, on the other hand, would never pass muster as a member of the Scooby gang. Sorry, Banditas, it's true confession time! A few years ago, I went camping with my boyfriend, my best friend Vikki and her boyfriend on Moreton, which is a sand island off the east coast of Australia. After a glorious afternoon sipping mango daiquiris on the beach, it started to rain. We managed a makeshift dinner and retired early to our tents, hoping the hole the dog had chewed in ours wouldn't let too much water in.

That night, a stranger came into our camp site. No, not the tall dark and handsome type of stranger, the tall dark and scary kind. There were people looking for him, he said. They were going to kill him and could he hide out with us until daylight? Short answer? Uh, no, I don't think so. The boys managed to persuade him to get out of the tent, but they couldn't make him leave the campsite.

Meanwhile, Vik and I stayed in her tent, scared out of our wits. The place was pretty isolated, and cell phone reception wasn't the best. The guy seemed like he might be on drugs and his wild talk of someone wanting to kill him didn't reassure us. I said to Vik, "Do we have anything we can hit him with if he gets violent?" Vikki held up a tin of baked beans with her usual eyebrow quirk. We both giggled nervously. And, I'm sad to report, we left our men to deal with it. They eventually got through to the police and kept an eye on the guy for the hour or more it took for the police SUV to arrive.

But when women show strength, it's not always in the physical sense, is it? What about the sheer courage it takes to love someone and believe in them and hold on to your integrity despite the temptations that lie in your path? What about Jane Eyre? Maddy-Girl of Flowers from the Storm? Soraya in Claiming the Courtesan? Even Lizzie in Pride and Prejudice showed inner strength in going against her mother's wishes and refusing to marry Mr. Collins. There is a lot to be said for a woman who can use wit, faith or integrity as their weapon instead of their fists.

So what about you? Do you like quiet strength or is the kick-ass heroine more your style? And when was the last time you kicked butt?