What has it got in its pockets?

by Cassondra Murray

Gollum was probably not the first fellow to ask this question, though he might
have been the first on record to actually wonder about it out loud.

But he certainly wasn't the last.

I've spoken those exact words repeatedly (though silently) in recent years as I've begun to observe male behaviors through the jaded eyes of a middle-aged female writer.

Have y'all heard that Bud Light Real Men of Genius radio commercial--the one about "Mr. Cargo Pants Designer"?

"Is that a banana in your pocket?"

"Why, yes it is. And an orange...."

And an ipod perhaps....

A survival knife? A multi-tool? A flashlight? A cigarette lighter? The list goes on.

Okay, I'll set aside complete dissing of cargo pants because of their military origins. But MOST cargo pants are not worn by military men and women--people who have to carry their lives on their backs for weeks at a time and defend themselves and their fellow soldiers too.

I've decided that most modern cargo pants are designed for the man who is worried about his masculinity. The man who refuses to admit that, just like women, males need to carry around a certain amount of STUFF. I can come to only one logical conclusion. This is a man who believes that if he actually possesses a suitable bag to carry the STUFF in, that one of the appendages necessary to be considered male might...oh, I don't know...maybe fall off or start to rot.

What is up with that?

Consider, if you will, wallet bulge. The male equivalent of disgusting panty lines.

I don't say it out loud, but I do THINK it when I see a fellow with a big square bulge in his hip pocket. Nothing like an icky wallet bulge to ruin what would otherwise be a wonderfully distracting male rear end. There are too few of those nicely shaped male nether regions these days. It's an absolute crime to have the nice ones mangled.

Hey, men are always staring at ours, why not admit it? We like theirs too...sans wallet bulge thank you very much....ahem....

It's even worse when the guy is wearing a suit.

I attended an event this week where I saw a few phenomenal men in very sexy suits. And a whole bunch of men who don't wear them well at all because of what I'm coming to view as "serious male fashion sins."

Let's consider James Bond, the quintessential ladies man, putting his life on the line for his country--saving the world in his $6000 suit--but let's consider him with with seven dollars worth of nickels and dimes clinking, clunking, and bulging from the front of his thighs. I can't help but return to the famous line from Kindgergarten Cop. "Maybe it's a tumor."

Somehow, I don't think we're going to see that in the next Bond film. Bond, of course, carries all the stuff he needs and a whole bunch of gadgets hidden in an immaculately tailored tuxedo. But that's film, and this is real life. And in real life, "tumors" abound.

Men used to get through life with a few bills in a money clip, a car key, and a house key, all which fit in their pockets with nary a tumor in sight. For a well dressed fellow in a nicely cut pair of trousers, any extra...um...anomalies...meant he was happy to see you.

Not so these days. Men carry stuff. Cell phones and laptops and sunglasses (expensive ones, which demand cases so they don't get scratched) and as they age, reading glasses maybe. They need Blackberries and keys for cars, houses, gym lockers, garages and motorcycles. They need newspapers and a paperback book for the commute to work on the train. They need power bars and an apple. They need music devices with all the wires and gizmos and accessories.

And let's face it. A briefcase doesn't work a lot of the time. And a backpack is hell on a nice jacket or a good shirt, and it makes your back all sweaty.

I understand the wish to travel light. I swear I do. I want the smallest purse I can carry that will hold the minimum necessary stuff. And I won't switch out purses. I don't have time. It has to work with all my clothes, or I'll be a fashion failure and that's just too bad. In some ways I guess I'm more like a guy than a girl when it comes to the whole "purse" phenomenon.

I have no idea when the "purse" came into use--I know the regency writers on the blog call them "reticules" in their stories--and ladies almost always had one with them.

They used them to carry their smelling salts I guess--since those corsets caused them to faint without warning--and to carry a little money to get home, in case the handsome rake turned out to be a big jerk and left you stranded.

Some things haven't changed all that much, have they?

If women weren't the first, they certainly weren't the ONLY people using some sort of bag to carry their stuff around....Scottish men wore, along with their kilts, sporrans. Rather handy and unencumbering I think--a much nicer, more elegant version of the fanny pack (which is, like a backpack, almost always ugly in my opinion.)

Here's a fellow, on the right, who looks rather dashing in his kilt and sporran, don't you think? I could be prejudiced by my Scottish heritage.

And below that there's an entire football team, and every one of them has a sporran. I'm thinkin these guys are not wimps, in spite of their blue socks.

I sometimes hear males dissing guys who wear kilts and sporrans--calling them sissies and other derogatory words that would suggest the well-dressed Scottish man has anatomy more akin to the female (those words will probably never make it into one of my blogs).

But I've also noticed that they don't say that stuff out loud if they're anywhere near a fellow like this, who for the sake of his sport (which, if you haven't seen it, involves tossing the equivalent of a telephone pole end over end) is probably having his lassie hold his purse...er..sporran.

Dude, what's in your purse?

Those words apparantly scare the..well..the male anatomy off of most men in the United States. It's my understanding that the Man Bag--or the Man Purse--has been popular in Europe for years. But here in the States, it's been slow to catch on. Why?

My own husband is a good example--not of the scared part. He isn't. But of the "stuff" part. The poor man has, for at least ten years, carried around a shaving kit. He carries it everywhere. It has his allergy meds, an extra knife, small flashlight, money, sundry bits of paper on which he's written addresses and emails of people he'll never contact but thought he would, business cards, breath mints, visine....

Basically, all the same stuff women carry in a purse--except the lipstick. Although he DOES carry chapstick. Still, that shaving kit doesn't have a strap--which means it keeps one of his hands busy. Impractical.

My husband has no fear of having his man card revoked. This man wears pink shirts--and looks awesome in them. Once, when we were very young and just married, he asked me to NEVER request that he buy feminine hygiene products for me. So I didn't. He has since apologized. Said he was young and stupid and can't really figure out what, exactly, he was embarrassed about, but he isn't now. I still haven't asked--some part of me still hasn't forgiven him I guess--for being embarrassed by his association with what was--and is-- part of me.

In spite of my bad attitude, I admit he's the best of the lot when it comes to this sort of thing. If I'm at a wine tasting I don't even have to ask. He just takes my purse off my shoulder and puts it on his--and WALKS AROUND THE STORE WITH IT so I can enjoy the wine tasting free of the weight hanging on my arm.

It's strange, but he has absolutely no fear of anything necessary to procreation falling off of his lower half if he holds my handbag.

But it seems my husband is the exception to the rule. And lately, he's been drooling over some nice leather (and very expensive) messenger bags--Man purses!.

One would think, that after seeing this man with his messenger bag that ALL men would wish to imitate him.

Honestly, that bag strapped onto his body detracts not one bit from his hotness.

And for a short time, it seemed that Jack Bauer had succeeded in bringing the practical to a level of acceptance....

But not so. Not yet anyhow. Of course there are a few fellows who've figured out how practical these are.

Here's a photo of a guy in a rather nice suit, complete with a designer Man Purse. Nary a pocket tumor in sight.....

And just for the Banditas in the lair who drool over Hugh Jackman, here's one for y'all. Does his messenger bag make him somehow less......hunky? His shoulders less broad? Chest less muscled? Biceps more wimpy?








Honestly, I'm curious about this whole man purse idea and the bag-carrying aversion some fellows seem to have.What do you suppose is the root of it?

For the ladies in the lair I've included a few examples of some pretty sparkly purses that are definitely girly. Somehow, I just can't see Indy or Jack Bauer with one of these, but maybe that's reverse prejudice?

And I can't see this guy worrying too much about losing his man card because he carries around a bag for his coins--you know, since kilts don't have pockets and therefore he can't indulge in wallet bulge and ruin our.....uhm.... view.

So tell me, what do y'all think of Man purses?

Ladies, Does your fellow carry a bag of some sort? Will he hold YOUR handbag without a fuss?

If he carries a bag, what does he carry in it?

Guys, will anything important fall off of your body if you carry a messenger bag to hold your stuff?

Remember that old show, Let's Make a Deal? The more stuff you had with you, the better! What's in YOUR messenger bag or purse right now? If you were offered $100 for a paper clip, would you win the money?

How many purses do you have in your closet? And do you change them out to match your outfits? Or are you like me, and stick with one you like?

Do you see a lot of guys carrying bags OTHER than backpacks?

And are any of the ladies like me--do you go "ick" at wallet bulge and pocket tumors?