Intelligence Report

Code Name: Golden Rooster

Day 467 in the Bandit Lair

This assignment has been the most taxing of my undercover career thus far. These women ("Banditas", as they are locally known) are exhausting & elusive creatures. My efforts to ingratiate myself to them so as to better observe them in their natural habitat have been slow to render the sort of intimacy my research requires. As a group, they seem to have an inordinate fondness for sweet biscuits ("Tim Tams") & luridly colored alcoholic beverages. My ability to observe them individually has been severely curtailed by their implausible habit of raffling me off to early risers for 24 hour periods.

I have made every effort to make these out-of-Lair sojourns productive, however. There was an extremely edifying 24-48 hours of explosives & firearms training, which may come in handy during the next Party in the Lair. "Launch parties" in particular have been known to provoke a most extreme demonstration of enthusiasm & joy, during which time Tim Tams & pink drinks are consumed in alarming quantities, chandelier are swung upon & largely unclothed young men wander unchecked, offering anything from drinks to personal massages. I have escaped molestation by luck alone.

That said, however, I have managed to glean a few bits of classified information which I will now share with you. I will use code names, as this line is most surely monitored. Use the following data as wisdom permits:

Bandita A: Carries an enormous satchel in which she smuggles large quantities of junk food into movie theatres. Also stockpiles DQ Blizzards in her freezer so as to conceal the number she chooses to consume in a given day.

Bandita B: Despite being a "Southern girl" and, as such, bred to prize personal grooming above all else save good manners, has no compunction about appearing in public in grass-stained jeans, a messy ponytail, and an ancient t-shirt, smelling of lawn mower.

Bandita C: Though ostensibly a "medical professional" has a well-documented addiction to State Fair corn dogs.

Bandita D: Nothing chocolate is safe around this Bandita, though in an effort to balance the scales, she consumes equal amounts of Diet Coke and Diet Dr. Pepper.

Bandita E: Has a disturbing love of cooking & cooking-related TV. Treated me to a horrifying phenomenon known as the (shudder) “National Chicken Cook-off” show during a brief stint under her supervision. Seems to have an unnatural obsession with chicken-cide evidenced by her forcing me to bet on a trifecta at Churchill Downs where Who’s your Colonel, Passingravy and Finger Lickin Lady were running. Regretfully, I won.

Bandita F: Forced me to partake of a delicacy known as Underwood Deviled Ham - a canned pork product that contains an entire day's allowance of sodium, I believe. I suspect this was part of a pagan ritual of sorts as she consumed the entire can while wearing Birkenstocks with socks and dancing to ELO's "Turn to Stone".

Bandita G: Engages in an odd ritual in which she reads the first quarter of a book, then the ending, then the remaining 3/4s. I suspect it could be the influence of a neon green beverage she mainlines labeled "Mt. Dew."

Bandita H: Maintains that while she doesn't drink anymore, she "certainly doesn't drink any less." Avers that, though the Aussie girls can drink her under the table, she does "love a cocktail." [A term I find offensive, if I may register a personal aside.]

Bandita I: Secretly uses her "writing time" to cruise the most scurrilous of celebrity gossip websites. Paris Hilton is a dear friend of hers.

Bandita J: Actually prefers instant coffee to the real thing. This is not surprising given her other feeding habits. I personally witnessed her eating Potato Gems dipped in Thai sweet chili sauce straight off the oven tray.

Bandita K: Has an extreme footwear fetish--countless pairs of shoes litter her quarters--but she seldom actually wears them, preferring to go barefoot most days.

That is the extent of my current intelligence. I regret I have failed to glean more from my time here. I have been forced to adopt the habits of the natives so as to avoid suspicion. This has resulted in enduring a few massive hangovers & the addition of perhaps 5-10 lbs in Tim Tam weight.

I await your instructions.

Sincerely,

GR