Thursday, July 3, 2008

Intelligence Report

Code Name: Golden Rooster

Day 467 in the Bandit Lair

This assignment has been the most taxing of my undercover career thus far. These women ("Banditas", as they are locally known) are exhausting & elusive creatures. My efforts to ingratiate myself to them so as to better observe them in their natural habitat have been slow to render the sort of intimacy my research requires. As a group, they seem to have an inordinate fondness for sweet biscuits ("Tim Tams") & luridly colored alcoholic beverages. My ability to observe them individually has been severely curtailed by their implausible habit of raffling me off to early risers for 24 hour periods.

I have made every effort to make these out-of-Lair sojourns productive, however. There was an extremely edifying 24-48 hours of explosives & firearms training, which may come in handy during the next Party in the Lair. "Launch parties" in particular have been known to provoke a most extreme demonstration of enthusiasm & joy, during which time Tim Tams & pink drinks are consumed in alarming quantities, chandelier are swung upon & largely unclothed young men wander unchecked, offering anything from drinks to personal massages. I have escaped molestation by luck alone.

That said, however, I have managed to glean a few bits of classified information which I will now share with you. I will use code names, as this line is most surely monitored. Use the following data as wisdom permits:

Bandita A: Carries an enormous satchel in which she smuggles large quantities of junk food into movie theatres. Also stockpiles DQ Blizzards in her freezer so as to conceal the number she chooses to consume in a given day.

Bandita B: Despite being a "Southern girl" and, as such, bred to prize personal grooming above all else save good manners, has no compunction about appearing in public in grass-stained jeans, a messy ponytail, and an ancient t-shirt, smelling of lawn mower.

Bandita C: Though ostensibly a "medical professional" has a well-documented addiction to State Fair corn dogs.

Bandita D: Nothing chocolate is safe around this Bandita, though in an effort to balance the scales, she consumes equal amounts of Diet Coke and Diet Dr. Pepper.

Bandita E: Has a disturbing love of cooking & cooking-related TV. Treated me to a horrifying phenomenon known as the (shudder) “National Chicken Cook-off” show during a brief stint under her supervision. Seems to have an unnatural obsession with chicken-cide evidenced by her forcing me to bet on a trifecta at Churchill Downs where Who’s your Colonel, Passingravy and Finger Lickin Lady were running. Regretfully, I won.

Bandita F: Forced me to partake of a delicacy known as Underwood Deviled Ham - a canned pork product that contains an entire day's allowance of sodium, I believe. I suspect this was part of a pagan ritual of sorts as she consumed the entire can while wearing Birkenstocks with socks and dancing to ELO's "Turn to Stone".

Bandita G: Engages in an odd ritual in which she reads the first quarter of a book, then the ending, then the remaining 3/4s. I suspect it could be the influence of a neon green beverage she mainlines labeled "Mt. Dew."

Bandita H: Maintains that while she doesn't drink anymore, she "certainly doesn't drink any less." Avers that, though the Aussie girls can drink her under the table, she does "love a cocktail." [A term I find offensive, if I may register a personal aside.]

Bandita I: Secretly uses her "writing time" to cruise the most scurrilous of celebrity gossip websites. Paris Hilton is a dear friend of hers.

Bandita J: Actually prefers instant coffee to the real thing. This is not surprising given her other feeding habits. I personally witnessed her eating Potato Gems dipped in Thai sweet chili sauce straight off the oven tray.

Bandita K: Has an extreme footwear fetish--countless pairs of shoes litter her quarters--but she seldom actually wears them, preferring to go barefoot most days.

That is the extent of my current intelligence. I regret I have failed to glean more from my time here. I have been forced to adopt the habits of the natives so as to avoid suspicion. This has resulted in enduring a few massive hangovers & the addition of perhaps 5-10 lbs in Tim Tam weight.

I await your instructions.

Sincerely,

GR

148 comments:

Jennifer Y. said...

OOOH...Love the post!!!

Jennifer Y. said...

My ability to observe them individually has been severely curtailed by their implausible habit of raffling me off to early risers for 24 hour periods.

Come on GR, you know you enjoy your time at my house...LOL

Amy Andrews said...

ROFLMAO!!!

Here chook, chook.

Anna Campbell said...

Oh, Rooster, my Rooster, you are so funny! I know some people say mixed marriages never work, but will you walk (waddle? Oh, no, that's Agent Daffy)down the aisle with me? I love a man/chook who can make me laugh! I'm not guessing identities by the way - too much risk for people to send armed cabana boys out to get me. Hmm, after seeing P226, you could protect me, couldn't you, chook?

Helen said...

Well done Jennifer

I am laughing so much my grandson is wondering what is the matter with me and there is pepsi max spayed everywhere.

Golden Rooster you are the best and you describe everyone so well are you sure about the aussie girls drinking others under the table.I know you have been to a few BBQ's at my place and I even took you to see Rod Stewart in concert and you have had some fun with my grandchildren a few times.
You obviously enjoy travelling.
Great post Susan just what I needed after a busy day at work

Have Fun
Helen

Tawny said...

ROFLMAO.

Oh that witty rooster. And to think, we all thought we were so sneaky in our chandelier swinging! I hope he didn't get pictures. The blackmail possibilities are terrifying.

Like Fo, I'm not guessing, but I am giggling a LOT!

Deb Marlowe said...

Bwa ha ha ha! Oh, that sly chook! I can just see the spy types sitting about a conference table trying to decipher which Bandita is which.

But I'm not guessing either! Hee hee.

Gannon Carr said...

Hilarious post!!! I love it! :D

hrdwrkdmom aka Dianna said...

I couldn't begin to guess which Bandita is which especially this morning, but congrats on the GR Jennifer. I think.

Christine Wells said...

What's this about Aussie girls drinking anyone under the table? Hey, when I drink cocktails, I'm ON the table...dancing!

But, uh, will preserve strict decorum at all times at National conference. Yessirreee bob. Not a peep nor a table dance out of me.

Jennifer Y, I trust you know your mission during the next 24 hours. A debriefing and total brainwash is clearly in order! You could be next...

Anna Sugden said...

ROFL - that sneaky little rooster! Has P226 been training him in covert surveillance too?

I think we need a Mata Hari chicken to get all the GR's knowledge out before he causes trouble for us demure, well-behaved Banditas!

Elyssa Papa said...

LMAO!

Love this post! The Golden Rooster needs to come out more often. Funniest picture by far is the Colonel Sanders one.

Gillian Layne said...

Flippin' fabulous! Good luck with the GR today, Jennifer. :)

Joan said...

What? What? The GR's been SPYING on us?

Huh. That explains the Ray Bans and the note taking. I never suspected, I was just totally amazed to see him standing on one leg and "chicken scratching" with his other. I thought he was showing me a trick.

And now I'm having my suspicions about that egg he kept carrying around. He TOLD me he was babysitting but it kept making clicking and whirring noises. Pictures, Tawny? Yeah, I'm thinking there are pictures.

Louisa Cornell said...

ROFLMAO!!! This is beyond perfect! I always KNEW there was more to this innocent little rooster than meets the eye! Hmm. I notice everyone is blaming p226 for the GR's acquisition of spy skills. I think he was a sneaky little rooster right out of the shell.

Jennifer, you need to frisk that chicken before you let him in the house. God only knows what sorts of spy equipment he is hiding under those feathers!

Christie Kelley said...

LOL!! I'm glad he got rid of that nagging cough after visiting me. Poor thing oculdn't handle the drywall dust. But it's been months since he's been for a visit and he needs to stop by soon to see the remodel.

terrio said...

What a way to start my morning. LOL! That rooster has been duping us all. Does this mean my parakeet is the Rooster version of a Bond girl?

My favorite part is the trifecta. Priceless!

Buffie said...

LMAO!! Great, great post dearest GR!

Now I am wondering just who is the Bandita that loves state fair corn dogs because I am totally with her on that!!! Well, as long as she eats it the right way . . . with mustard. :)

Susan Seyfarth said...

Oh my goodness, I'm so embarrassed. The GR didn't have any place to go for the 4th of July so I brought him home with me for a couple days. He seemed like the perfect houseguest--didn't say much ("chookchookchook"), ate anything we put in front of him, never bogarted the remote.

Then I turn my back on the laptop for one stinkin' minute & look what happens.

Sheesh.

Well, I'm off for a morning of swimming lessons & t-ball so I can't straighten this out right now. It'll have to wait for naptime.

Keep an eye on the rooster, though, won't you, ladies?

Donna MacMeans said...

Ha - He's a spy? He had a mission?

Well, I guess that explains why he hasn't come back since I wondered aloud if rooster feathers would have the same panache as the ostrich plaumes in my artful dodger hat.

BTW - rooster tail feathers are no replacement for a well trimmed quill for writing. I tried.

Kate Carlisle said...

I feel so betrayed!!

What's next on his feathery agenda? Does he plan to infiltrate the national conference to monitor certain stalking behavior?

Will he sneak into the RITA awards to expose the frightening and widescale misuse of duct tape used in conjunction with certain undercover foundation garments? (Is that so wrong? I ask you!)

Will he crash the Harlequin party in order to reveal to the world those hundreds of women willing to perform unsightly dance moves with each other simply for the chance to eat chocolate mousse? (All that dancing makes me hungry! Is that a problem?)

I'm concerned, I admit it.

Well, good luck, Jennifer! I hope you're planning a quiet day of reading and contemplation. Sheesh.

Kim Howe said...

Congrats, Jennifer! What a day to win the GR!!!!

Absolutely fabulous post and a great start to the day! Our feathered friend could go on a covert mission in my next novel!

Joan said...

Does this mean my parakeet is the Rooster version of a Bond girl?


Hmmm....interesting point, Terrio. What's the chicklet's name? If it's Octokeet or Keet Galore there could be a connection.

Check under her feathers. See a holster?

jo robertson said...

Jennifer Y, don't believe ANYTHING the wotten wooster says. He's notorious for making up "intelligence" if he has none to report to his superiors. We Banditas erroneously allowed him into the Lair and I now suspect he's about to resort to blackmail.

jo robertson said...

Helen, I'm curious, being a Pepsiholic. What's Pepsi Max? Do you add more sugar/caffeine to the product LOL? I must learn about this drink to further my addiction.

Susan, hilarious post! That rooster is something else.

Jennifer Y, congrats. Perhaps you can tame this rooster. He obviously has a penchant for lurid gossip.

jo robertson said...

Hilarious, Terrio, the golden rooster now has "Bond girls." He should be 007 1/2!

terrio said...

Joan wrote:
Check under her feathers. See a holster?

*frisks the bird*

She's clean. Her name is Chesney which is pretty close to Chesty. I can see that being a bond bird name.

Jo - Wouldn't that be 007 and a doodle doo?

Joan said...

Wouldn't that be 007 and a doodle doo?

ROTFL....

Beth said...

LOL - that GR may be sneaky, but he's also quite witty ;-) I'm just glad I've never won him - my secrests are safe!!

Although I'm now starting to look at some of my fellow Banditas with a hint of suspicion. I wouldn't mind visiting Bandita A and helping myself to a Blizzard (or 2) although I hope Bandita F doesn't invite me to lunch as I'm afraid of any and all "pork products"

Trish Milburn said...

Hee hee. This is a hoot.

Nancy said...

Jennifer, congratulations! Frisking him is not a bad idea.

Susan--he's going to give us a bad name. Granted, I'm not the most techno-gifted bandita, but I can't get this post off the blog. He seems to have locked out the "edit" function. And I second Jo's point that he lies through his beak. I knew there had to be a reason the dog kept growling at him when he was here. Amiga, you need a better password on that laptop!

Meanwhile, I suggest we buy a very heavy, very dark, very lockable box for use while we're at National. Nobody invited him, did they?

Louisa, I agree that we can't blame p226 for all of this. No actual weaponry has appeared. I suspect, as you say, that the bird was sneaky right out of the shell.

Terrio wrote: Wouldn't that be 007 and a doodle doo?ROFL!

Jennifer Y. said...

Awww...Goldie Roo and I get along fabulously...he'd never spy on me. Of course, I do bribe him with books. But, you know, he has an unusual habit of marking his place with a feather...and I don't think the feather belongs to him...wonder if he keeps a souvenir from all his "missions."

You know, he'd better be careful, we all have some dirt on him. Although, he'd probably say it was all part of his "job." But I didn't see him protesting when I made him a bed and gave him a stuffed animal to sleep with...in fact, he asked that the light be left on. Wonder if he is scared of the dark? Or just of disappearing in the middle of the night when someone else claims him?

I'd say I had the pictures to prove my claims, but he tends to disappear when the camera is brought out...hmm...considering this post, it all makes sense now. He wouldn't want his cover blown if incriminating photos were to appear somewhere.

Loucinda McGary aka Aunty Cindy said...

What? What? The GR's been SPYING on us?
Huh. That explains the Ray Bans and the note taking...


ACK! I agree with Joanie! I think we've all been "had." I also think Louisa is right, that the GR has been sneaky right outta the shell! Do you think he was recruited by that super-secret agency where p226 and his wife used to work? OR WORSE?!?!

Terrio, I definitely suspect Chesney or aiding and abetting.

I need to go check my dogs' crates for surveillance devices.

He'd better not show his fine feathered face at National. That's all I'm sayin...

AC
(looks suspiciously over her shoulder)

MsHellion said...

*ROTFLMAO* Excellent post!! I'm glad I wasn't drinking anything; I would need a new keyboard.

Joan said...

AC said: He'd better not show his fine feathered face at National.

No, no, no, Aunty. Lull him into a false sense of security. Allow him to believe he's got the goods on US when in actuality we'll be turning the henhouse on him!

See, Jennifer's got him all preoccupied and relaxed. He won't realize that we're onto him until we have the evidence from SF.....

Joanie T, hands in pocket whistling.

Maureen Child said...

Loved the snarky rooster....he must be an Alpha!!

and I don't know about the others, but I can identify Cocktail Bandita!!

Golden Rooster said...

Zounds! I've been discovered! The unattended laptop was a trap! The small mouthy one has intercepted my missive! Taking immediate evasive action!

[upends a box of tim tams on the floor & whips up a dacquiri]

That should keep her busy for half an hour or so.

[ruffles feathers, smoothes coxcomb.]

Now, let me just settle down & see what's been happening here in the comments trail...

Golden Rooster said...

Jennifer Y. -- I can neither confirm nor deny my enjoyment of your particular style of captivity. Are you the one with premium cable? Or the one with the cabana boys who change the channel for us?

Golden Rooster said...

Amy Andrews -- Though I find myself compelled on a primal level to respond, I've quite mastered my instinct to race toward every pretty face who "chook chook"s me. Mostly. I suppose it depends on whether you're the one who paints my toe nails or the one who makes me mud & tape dry wall.

Golden Rooster said...

Anna Campbell--What's this? A proposal of marriage? Tempting, my sweet. So tempting. Your charms are legion but I'm more the free range sort, if you take my meaning.

Which is not to say we can't, ah, enjoy one another's company while I'm Down Under...

Call me. xoxo

Golden Rooster said...

Helen--Oh yes, I remember you. Your grandchildren have a deplorable feather-yanking habit we need to discuss. And sticky little fingers. Perhaps it was all the barbeque sauce? I'm still working it out of my feathers.

But Rod Stewart was lovely. We'll always have Rod.

Golden Rooster said...

Tawny--Oh, yes, my dear. I have *copious* photos of the chandalier swinging. Be afraid. Be *very* afraid.

Though I could be persuaded to go easy on you. You're a pretty little hen, aren't you? Maybe we could, ahem, work something out?

Golden Rooster said...

Deb Marlowe: It's so refreshing to see my genius admired. Thank you, darling.

But what's this? No guesses to make? Come now. Where's your sense of adventure? I've been watching these women for over a year now. There's no threat from *that* quarter. Susan is still scarfing up tim tams off the kitchen floor & guzzling dacquiris. It's 2 in the afternoon for heaven's sake. She's done for the day. Come on--let's play!

Golden Rooster said...

Oh, Gannon, my sweet. You come out to play, too. Make a guess, darling. I do so love fun & games, especially with such darling little chickens...

Golden Rooster said...

hrdwrdmom--No guesses here either? Ladies, why so shy?

Oooooh. Yes. I see. I'm a bit overwhelming, yes? You're used to seeing me as a timid little chook, dancing for whichever piper is playing today's tune, no? And the sudden emergence of my true nature has enflamed in you all a certain female reticence?

Ladies, please. I'll admit, I'm a fine speciman, but I mean you no harm. You'll escape today with your virtue entirely intact. If, of course, that is truly your desire.

Think about it. xoxo

Golden Rooster said...

Christine---Oh yes. The table dancer. I remember you. The question is [eyebrow waggle] do *you* remember *me*?

Banditas aren't the only one with some brainwashing skills.

p.s. Must we have another talk about the offensive properties of the term "cocktail?"

Golden Rooster said...

Anna Sugden--First of all, to the concept of demure, well-behaved banditas, let me just say this.

HA.

However, on the subject of a mati hara chicken, I'm fully in favor. I like my hens a bit plump in the breast & thigh, trim about the ankles, & with a naughty little twinkle in their eye.

Sound familiar?

Til next time, love.

xox

Golden Rooster said...

Elyssa papa--Colonel Sanders? You like the picture of Colonel Sanders? Heavens. Do you like chicken hawks, too? Coyotes? Foxes in the hen house?

Oh, wait. I see it now.

Darling. Don't be jealous. My job requires a certain, ah, moral flexibility. Those other hens, they mean nothing to me. You're the one I love. And just as soon as I'm done with these infernal banditas, we can be together again.

Patience.

Or, you could try getting up earlier if I mean that much to you.

kisses!

Trish Milburn said...

LOL!! What a naughty little rooster.

Golden Rooster said...

Gillian--trust me, darling, Jennifer Y already won me for the day. She doesn't need any more luck.

But I don't like to see you ladies fighting. There's plenty of the old GR to go around. For everything, there is a season, yes? For every day, there is a woman. And sometimes, regrettably, a man. (Yes, I'm talking to you, P226.)

Fortunately, I'm in prime physical condition, so I'm able to easily keep pace with my male captors. I actually have to dial it down a touch so as not to arouse suspicion.

He's easily led, that one. Toss a few rounds of ammo his way & a grenade or two & he's occupied for hours.

Jennifer Y. said...

ROFL...GR, you naughty bird you!

Suzanne Welsh said...

"Hey, what's this?" she asks, crawling out of bed to the computer, eyes half swollen from lack of sleep. "The bird is a spy?!! Must remember to let Rocky the wonder dog fulfill his desire to seize and shake the little critter on his next invasion of the lone star state!!"

Now where did I leave those corn dogs?

limecello said...

LOL What a great post! And Tim Tams! Oh my gosh - I had them for the first time a few months ago... and tried convincing a friend of a friend who goes to Australia yearly to get me some. Don't know if I'll be successful [likely not.] I also checked online for them... but have been unsuccessful. This might be a good thing, because I do not need 10-15 lbs of Tim Tam weight. But... it would be so so delicious getting there.

Golden Rooster said...

Joanie, Joanie, Joanie--Babysitting? Moi? Please.

[ruffles chest feathers impressively]

Of *course* there are pictures. And what there aren't pictures of, I have an excellent memory for. I never forget a hot little hen. And you, my darling, will live in my memory long after the bandit lair was vanished into cyberspace.

[blows a little kiss]

However, we need to talk about your appalling moccasins. Heavens above, you are a lovely woman. Why on earth are you dresing your feet like Buffalo Bill's Wild West Show?

You can do better, dear. I know you can. Think about it.

xoxo

Golden Rooster said...

Louisa--Thank you, my dear, for recognizing my natural genius. (As if P226 has anything to teach *me* about covert surveillance.) Some are born to paint, to sculpt, to write. I was born to spy.

And to loooooove. Oh yes. I am a highly skiller lover, am I not? (No need to name names. You all know who you are.)

I believe you mentioned a frisking? Bring it on, ladies. By all means, bring it ON.

Golden Rooster said...

Christie--You! It was YOU with the drywalling! And the painting! And the sanding! And the hauling about of heavy furniture!

[squints dangerously toward the south]

On the other hand, the master suite turned out beautifully. I do hope your husband wasn't too suspicious of all the feathers on his pillow...

Until next time, cherie...

Joan said...

However, we need to talk about your appalling moccasins.

But, Goldy (oops, sorrry. I did promise to leave the pet name in the nest) Those moccasins have a beaded bird on them! Yes, I know the Native Americans call them Thunderbirds, but we really know it is a tribute to you and your golden feathers.

(catches kiss)

Golden Rooster said...

Terrio--Ah, I have fond, fond memories of your parakeet. She doesn't say much but oh what a...tweeter.

MsHellion said...

*ROTFLMAO* Oh, you naughty rooster!

Golden Rooster said...

Buffie--How many times must I say this? Anything on-a-stick is not precisely haute cuisine. Further, anything that requires a slathering of neon-colored condiment is yet another step removed from an indulgence for the more refined palate.

You're such a pretty girl, too. Surely we can work this out? I would be more than happy to introduce you to the finer pleasure life has to offer...

Call me. xoxo

Jane said...

GR, you crack me up. Deviled Ham is an acquired taste. Come visit me and we could go somewhere fancy or not. What's your pleasure?

Golden Rooster said...

Donna--yes, I've learned to guard my tailfeathers around *you*. Quills, indeed. Let me be quite plain--my feathers are for my own personal adornment, yes? If you want to try on something pretty, why don't you slip into that gorgeous pink corset of yours. I quite liked that.

Let me know when I can peek, sweetest.

Golden Rooster said...

Kate, Kate, Kate--there's no need for alarm, darling. I won't reveal any of *our* little secrets. I love the way you misuse duct tape. And your dance moves are exquisite, especially the one where you...

Ahem.

I'll be at the Harlequin party, dearest. Meet me by the mousse.

xox

Golden Rooster said...

Kim--You'd put me in your novel?

[preens]

I always thought I'd make an excellent action hero. Make sure you adequately capture the power of my steely gaze, will you? Refer to my blogger photo if necessary.

Hugs & kisses, darling, & I'll expect to see a draft any time.

Keira Soleore said...

H'llo, GR. How anthropomorphic of you to blog. Fun, fun post. But I admit to being a tad chuffed at you. Where was the picture of Nutella. I'm pleased you had the Tim Tams front and center, but rooster goldie, you gotta have Nutella, too.

Golden Rooster said...

Joanie--the parakeet was unarmed. Not to be ungentlemanly but believe me, I'd know.

Golden Rooster said...

Jo, darling. Why so defensive? After everything we've shared, you'd turn on me? There have been many hens, I'll admit. Many, MANY hens. But *you're* the one I love. Didn't I keep you warm while your husband was out of town? Didn't I cluck you lullabies every night until you fell asleep? Didn't I commandeer your laptop every night while you were sleeping to google "chicken breast?"

Um, that was perhaps a bit of oversharing.

But regardless, I shall always remember you fondly, my darling. And your computer.

Golden Rooster said...

Terrio--Chesty, indeed. Tell her I said hello, will you?

Golden Rooster said...

Beth, darling. Don't think that just because I've never had the pleasure of an overnight that I haven't been watching you.

Oh, yes, I've had my eye on you. Your time will come, sweetness. Oh yes it will. You're an ice cream lover, are you? I'll just make a note...

Keira Soleore said...

Helen, how did you know it was Smoov?

You Banditas surely know who's who. The GR was diabolically clever, dropping just enough blatant hints and obscuring others to perform a case of CYA.

Brain reboot required.

And hey, Chookie, you need your own blogger account. :)

Keira Soleore said...

Heyyyy, like minds, Wooter, great minds. You did get a blogger account.

Golden Rooster said...

Trish--I wondered when we'd see you here. You're another one I've had my eye on for some time now. Keeping it brief, are you? Worried I might learn something to use against you?

Wise woman.

But I love a challenge. Go ahead, keep your guard up. It'll just maker it sweeter...

Golden Rooster said...

Nancy--A *lockbox*? You want me to spend nationals in solitary? You have a mean streak, don't you?

Oddly, I find mean streaks quite attractive. Come a little closer & say that, why don't you? You, me & a dark, locked box? We could make some beautiful music together, Nancy. Don't be shy...

p.s. Another vote for frisking? sigh. If you must. Frisk away. No, really, take your time. Be thorough. I insist.

xox

Trish Milburn said...

I've been hiding in the writing cave today. And you know, while I was in there, I saw cave paintings of your golden ancestors -- being chased by dudes with spears. :)

Golden Rooster said...

Jennifer--I do enjoy the lights on. Don't you?

xoxo

Tawny said...

Tawny--Oh, yes, my dear. I have *copious* photos of the chandalier swinging. Be afraid. Be *very* afraid.

Though I could be persuaded to go easy on you. You're a pretty little hen, aren't you? Maybe we could, ahem, work something out?


Ooooh, you clever rooster, you. JT was right about that egg, huh? I wonder if those were the chandalier shots with or without the cabana boys... hmmm.

Well now, sweetie, why don't you come on over here and we'll do a little talking.

Just ignore that gilded cage over there. Its for, well, you know, those bondage games you like so well *shhhh*

Golden Rooster said...

AC--Come now, darling, sneaky? What a nasty word. I'm not sneaky. I'm merely...attentive. To you. I exist solely to observe you, to learn about you, to discover what interests you, what pleases you.

Is that so wrong?

Meet me for a drink in San Francisco, dear heart. I'm sure I can convince you that I have only your...best interests...at heart.

xox

Golden Rooster said...

mshellion--not drinking? What a shame. Let me buy you a drink in San Francisco. We can...get to know each other better, no?

Golden Rooster said...

Maureen---finally! Somebody who wants to dish bandita dirt! Tell us, tell us! Who's the drinking bandita??

And remind me, have you ever...won the Golden Rooster? May I suggest you give it a try?

xoxo

Helen said...

What a great secret agent you are GR I would never have known. I just hope you truly are on our side maybe you are collecting all this information to write a best selling book.

Jo pepsi max has no sugar we can get pepsi, pepsi light and pepsi max over here I like the pepsi max best.
Keep the posts coming everyone I am loving them it is 6-30 am Friday morning here and I need to go to work soon so happy 4th July.

Have Fun
Helen

Golden Rooster said...

Suz--you'd sic the dogs on me? Did I break your heart so badly, sweet one? Come closer, let me kiss it better...

Unless, of course, you've been eating corn dogs. You know I can't abide food on the stick.

Golden Rooster said...

limoncello--if I may? Go ahead & put on the tim tam weight. I do love a bird with some meat on her bones. Such a refreshing change of pace. Nobody likes a scrawny chicken.

Come closer, sweets. Have a biscuit.

xox

Golden Rooster said...

Jane, sweets, you have it all backward. What's *your* pleasure? That's the name of my game. Just leave your porch light on, sweet one. I'll swing by...

Golden Rooster said...

Keira--I thought the Nutella was to be our secret? Ah, well. Always let the lady lead, that's what I say. Nutella all around!

Golden Rooster said...

Oh, drat. Susan appears to be waking from her tim-tam/pink dacquiri coma. Ta ta for now, lovers. I may be back later if I lock her in the backyard. Maybe I'll put some chips & salsa on the deck with a nice cooler of beer.

Her tastes are so pedestrian but what can you expect from such a

Susan Seyfarth said...

Oh my head. I have a tim-tam/dacquiri hangover like you wouldn't believe.

It was the strangest thing. I was in the kitchen--I'd just put the kids down for a nap--& suddenly there are all these chocolate cookies on the floor. And a dacquiri bar! I know! Isn't that awesome?

Anyhoo, I think I might take it easy for the rest of the afternoon. I found the GR pecking at my keyboard again. I hope he didn't screw anything up. Not that he has any keyboarding skills, but you know what they say. You put a hundred monkey with typewriters in a room long enough & eventually somebody will type the declaration of independence or something.

Oh, god, my head.

Anyway, I stuck him in the closet. Off to lie down.

Cassondra said...

OMG.

He's only been to my house ONCE.

A LONG time ago.

Thank God. Unfortunately it WAS in the summer. :0/

I thought he was looking at me kinda funny--out of the corner of his eye--trying to act all casual. Hmmmm....

hrdwrkdmom aka Dianna said...

Oh my, I knew I should have stayed home from work today. GR you are such a naughty bird! I have been checking everywhere for surveillance equipment but found nothing. I even checked the cats, not that I ever saw GR anywhere near them. I didn't see any of my secrets out there either so he must have been too tired from all of his other spying to worry about me.

Jeanne (AKA The Duchesse) said...

Smoov, I hope that daquiri headache is easing off. Beware the back yard. That's all I'm sayin'...

Hi GR! I pretty much figured YOU were the spy. When those pics of some of us sheild-sledding down Bandita hill turned up on THAT website...I wondered then. Now I KNOW! Rascal! I didn't think anyone else saw it when Demetrius and I...ahem...what was I saying?

Oh yes. I'm afraid I'm fond of food on a stick too, but the ice cream one, that's going to take a bit of figuring. The shoe queen's a bit tough too as that could be at least three Banditas, perhaps more. Hmmmm. Off to ponder.

Joan said...

dianna,

Check the liquor cabinet...

I wouldn't put anything past our feathered friend. By his own admission, he's been playing the field...scratching around with all the Banditas AND our BB's!!!

Faithless fowl!

flchen1 said...

Ooh! Congrats on the GR, JenniferY! And LOVED the post, GR, I mean, Susan ;) I wonder what secrets the GR is ferreting out today...

terrio said...

GR wrote:
I like my hens a bit plump in the breast & thigh, trim about the ankles, & with a naughty little twinkle in their eye.

Should I be worried that describes me pretty well? LOL! I'm afraid Chesney has been reading over my shoulder and I don't actually speak parakeet, but her tone makes me think what she's saying is not so nice.

I'm afraid Roosty will have to deal with seriously ruffled fleathers the next time he drops in.

And I had no idea the Golden Guy had a French accent. Sounds sexy, no?

Cassondra said...

Terrio said:

And I had no idea the Golden Guy had a French accent. Sounds sexy, no?

Humph. I think it's fake. (foot tapping, arms crossed, looking squinty eyed at the Golden Rooster's avatar)

hrdwrkdmom aka Dianna said...

Joan, you were right, I found them in the liquor cabinet. Thankfully I haven't been imbibing of late so I never had the doors open since he was last here.

Banditas and BB's, have a look see at our friendly GR.
Remember GR, there is always a bigger fish, did P226 teach you nothing?? :::queue manical laughter:::

http://hrdwrkdmom.com/Banditas/GRSurveillance.html

Joan said...

Humph. I think it's fake

I think he sounds like Yul Brynner in "The Ten Commandments"...my sweet.

I'm just sayin....

Joan said...

ROTHFLMAO....HARDER!!!

Oh my gosh, GR....dianna has YOUR number (and your email, and your social security, and your feather prints...)

terrio said...

Dianna - You go, girl! LOL! I bet the GR won't be sounding so suave once Jesse and Josie get ahold of him. ROFL!

Anna Campbell said...

Dianna, you made my day! The surveillance tapes are priceless! Thanks so much for letting us share them. And, chook, we've got your number!

http://hrdwrkdmom.com/Banditas/GRSurveillance.html

Jennifer Y. said...

ROFL...hrdwrkdmom aka Dianna...you have GR hiding under the futon.

Christine Wells said...

O.M.G. Dianna, that is absolutely hilarious!!! You are so clever.

http://hrdwrkdmom.com/Banditas/GRSurveillance.html

Nancy said...

Y'know, GR, there's a saying in the lair--what happens at National stays at National. Yes, I want a box. A big, dark, sturdy one with a big, solid lock. Combination. Accessible only from outside. And left in the custody of someone who's not going to National. AC and I stand together on this one.

I never realized you had such an ego, let alone such computer skills. We're going to have to watch you more closely.

BTW, I take pride in my mean streak, so thanks, baby-cakes. As for frisking, though, you really don't want me to come over there 'cause the dog comes with me. You remember the dog--big, toothy, prone to bark--the one you spent much of your time here looking down at from on top of the china cabinet?

Now, be a nice little bird and get me some chocolate.

Nancy said...

Dianna--LOVED your surveilance photos. I think we need to let those twins know where the cheeky chook hangs out.

Loucinda McGary aka Aunty Cindy said...

A big, dark, sturdy one with a big, solid lock. Combination. Accessible only from outside. And left in the custody of someone who's not going to National. AC and I stand together on this one.

That we DO, Nancy! So just watch yourself, Chooky-boy! I have dogs, too. Those mean lil quick ones who dart in and nip at tender areas...

Now that Dianna has ferreted out a few of YOUR dirty lil secrets (ROFLOL, Dianna, you EVIL WOMAN! I LURVE YOU!), you are not gonna be the one calling the shots at National...

AC

jo robertson said...

007 and a doodle doo it is, Terrio!

Pat Cochran said...

Mother always told me that it was
the quiet, unassuming ones you must
be careful of! So, Mr. GR, you have
really blown it! I let you have the run of my china cabinet, which was filled, filled I say,with all brands of CHOCOLATE!(except Tim Tams!) Now,
I just don't know...........

Pat Cochran

jo robertson said...

Golden Rooster, I recant every mean-spirited word I cast your way. Now that I know your true and tender feelings for me, I shall arrange for Dr. Big to take another long trip.

Spirit the computer away from your captor, Bandita Susan, and email me. Quickly, dear, I cannot wait!

My heart beats like a thousand drums, dear rooster, in anticipation of your answer.

Pat Cochran said...

Mother always told me that it was
the quiet, unassuming ones you must
be careful of! So, Mr. GR, you have
really blown it! I let you have the run of my china cabinet, which was filled, filled I say,with all brands of CHOCOLATE!(except Tim Tams!) Now,
I just don't know...........

Pat Cochran

hrdwrkdmom aka Dianna said...

Jo, oh dear Jo :::shaking head in absolute sorrow::: I have a couple of friends that would like to speak with you in private, their names are Josie and Jessie. It isn't pretty Jo.

jo robertson said...

Miss Dianna, Josie and Jessie may be more sprightly than I, but I assure you, my dear. that I am more than a match for the both of them. I dislike resorting to fisticusts, but will if I must. All for the love of the Chook.

Back away from the Golden Rooster!

terrio said...

Oh, I'd buy tickets for that. This isn't your typical *Hen* party.

LOL!

Pat Cochran said...

O-O-P-S! My bad! The second posting wasn't supposed to happen!!

Pat Cochran

Golden Rooster said...

Joanie wrote: Those moccasins have a beaded bird on them! Yes, I know the Native Americans call them Thunderbirds, but we really know it is a tribute to you and your golden feathers.

Thunderbird, eh? I suppose it is rather apt.

Or so I've been told.

Natalie Hatch said...

Did you know that a castrated rooster is called a Capon, and these are the chickens that are cut up for chicken meat, and roasted etc? Hmmmmm.

Golden Rooster said...

Trish wrote: And you know, while I was in there, I saw cave paintings of your golden ancestors -- being chased by dudes with spears.

Darling. I think, as spear-toting hunters are no longer thick on the ground, that it's evident who won that particular evolutionary battle, no? Superior intelligence, along with a talent for procreation carried the day. And the night, yes? I'll be waiting for you when you emerge from that cave.

xox

Golden Rooster said...

Tawny wrote: Just ignore that gilded cage over there. Its for, well, you know, those bondage games you like so well *shhhh*

Be still my heart. A worthy adversary at last! I like how you think, Ms. Tawny. Will there be a frisking later? If so, count me in!

Until nightfall, my sweet...

Golden Rooster said...

Cassondra--Darling, it may have only been once but it was memorable, no? I love the way you've committed even my smallest body language to memory. It thrills me to the tips of the feathers to hear you say shifty in that...tone of yours.

Mmmmmmm. Delicious.

Say it again.

xox

Golden Rooster said...

hrdwrkdmom wrote: I even checked the cats, not that I ever saw GR anywhere near them.

Loathesome things, cats. I never touch them unless absolutely necessary. They're so...uncivilized. Imagine, chasing & eating rodents? I'd rather eat a corndog.

hrdwrkdmom also wrote: http://hrdwrkdmom.com/Banditas/GRSurveillance.html

Ah, so you're not entirely without skills of your own! The force is indeed strong in you, hrdwrkdmom. Thank you for the lovely stroll down memory lane. Especially the twins. I have such fond, fond memories of them both. Do give them a peck for me, will you? I'm afraid I'll have to decline a more personal greeting. My undercover work, you understand?

And you found the surveillance camera in the liquor cabinet, did you? What about the one in the--

Oh, never mind. I'm sure you'll find it eventually. Cheers!

Anna Sugden said...

Okay - so how does that pesky bird know so much without even having set foot in NJ? Hmm. Maybe he's not quite as disapproving of cats as he'd want us to believe. My girls have mysterious feline smiles on their faces.

OMG Dianna - that is priceless! Good for you! Not so good for my monitor though.

Golden Rooster said...

Oh, Jeanne. You think I posted the pictures of you & your gallant gladiator on THAT website? No, no, no. I'm not saying I don't have them, just that I didn't post them. I prefer to keep my work, ahem, undercover.

And believe me, darling, compared to me? Demetrius is an amateur with a rather small...shield. Meet me for a drink in San Fran & we can discuss what you've been missing.

xox

Golden Rooster said...

flchen1 wrote: I wonder what secrets the GR is ferreting out today...

Come closer, sweetness, & I'll tell you all about it...

Kim said...

O.M.G. This is the most hilarious thing I've read in. Ever.

GR--Can I sneak into the HQ party with you? I promise to hand feed you chocolates ;)

Golden Rooster said...

Terrio wrote: And I had no idea the Golden Guy had a French accent. Sounds sexy, no?

Sexy is as sexy does, darling. And I do french very nicely. And a number of other things. Get up nice & early one of these days & I'm yours for 24 hours of private practice...

Looking forward. xox

Caren Crane said...

Beth, deviled ham is a great treat to be consumed not more than once (or twice) annually. It really does have loads of sodium. And fat. I mean, I hear it does.

And in defense of people who wear Birkenstocks all year round, one's toes get cold in the winter. I know AC goes on and on about socks and Birkies, but come on. Winter is winter!

As to ELO, I can neither confirm nor deny owning ELO's greatest hits. Or playing such a CD at high volume in the car. Or forcing my children to listen to the insanely catchy, cheesy tunes. *sigh*

I turn to stone, when you are gone I turn to stone!

Golden Rooster said...

Cassondra wrote: Humph. I think it's fake.

Oh, now don't be put out, cherie. You know I save my sweetest nothings for your ears only. Oui, c'est vrai. Je t'aime seulement.

You know my work pulls me in a number of...directions, but I speak of guns & ammo to nobody but your own sweet self. So no more pouting, dearest. I'll make it all up to you in San Fran. Just leave your room key at the front desk marked GR. We'll be together soon, lover.

xox

Golden Rooster said...

Joanie wrote: I think he sounds like Yul Brynner in "The Ten Commandments"...my sweet.

Yul Brenner is one sexy bald man, no? While I occupy my own unique geography of the sexyscape, I am not at all put out by such a comparison. Mmmmwah, darling Joanie!

Caren Crane said...

As for you, GR, how dare you reveal our secrets so baldly! Did I tell anyone that you got your entire head stuck in a jar of Nutella? Huh?

Did I tell them that you gave the fluff cycle on the dryer a try because you were having some...er...issues with getting your...er...feathers puffed? No, I didn't!

And I only wear the socks with my Birkies IN THE WINTER. And it was my ANNUAL can of deviled ham. It's not like I just hare off and nab a can of salty pork goodness and slap the whole can on a sandwich every other day...mmm...deviled ham...

Golden Rooster said...

Nancy wrote: BTW, I take pride in my mean streak, so thanks, baby-cakes. ...Now, be a nice little bird and get me some chocolate.

I...I...

I think I love you.

Be mine?

Hugs & kisses.

Golden Rooster said...

AC wrote: Now that Dianna has ferreted out a few of YOUR dirty lil secrets...you are not gonna be the one calling the shots at National...

Oh, AC. Darling. You want to call the shots? By all means, be my guest. I love my chickens feisty...

See you in the city by the bay, dearest. You are bringing your crop, aren't you? Don't disappoint me, my tigress.

xox

p226 said...

Papa two to Golf Romeo.

Authentication hash follows:

seven three bravo four three four charlie seven bravo fox four three five four alpha charlie charlie four echo three fox zero one alpha three niner echo eight one two alpha two

End authentication hash.

Primary communications channel compromised.

Switch to failover.

Papa Two out.

Golden Rooster said...

Pat Cochran wrote: let you have the run of my china cabinet, which was filled, filled I say,with all brands of CHOCOLATE!(except Tim Tams!) Now,
I just don't know...........


Oh, Pat, don't be ashamed. What we shared in your china cabinet was beautiful. Even without the Tim Tams. I shall never forget it, nor you, my sweet. Mmmmwah!

Golden Rooster said...

Jo wrote: Golden Rooster, I recant every mean-spirited word I cast your way. Now that I know your true and tender feelings for me, I shall arrange for Dr. Big to take another long trip.

Jo, dearest! We are separated by time & miles, but together as always in my heart! I long for our sweet, sweet reunion in the city by the bay. Leave your room key (with a small indication of the bandita to whom it belongs, along with any important info regarding roommates, etc.) at the front desk marked GR. My feathers are a-tingle with anticipation!

xoxox

Golden Rooster said...

Natalie Hatch wrote: Did you know that a castrated rooster is called a Capon, and these are the chickens that are cut up for chicken meat, and roasted etc? Hmmmmm.

Natalie, my sweet. Have I mentioned how much I adore a mean streak? Come closer & whisper that in my ear, will you?

smooches!

Golden Rooster said...

Anna Sugden wrote: Maybe he's not quite as disapproving of cats as he'd want us to believe. My girls have mysterious feline smiles on their faces.

When absolutely necessary, I have been known to...accomodate a feline or two. My skills are legion. Resistance is futile. Surrender, banditas!

Oh. I see. So it's to be the hard way, then?

I do like you ladies.

xoxo

jo robertson said...

What? What? What? Leave my room key at the desk?!! Of course, but WHY should you need my name? Please tell me you are not planning other assignations at this By the Bay Conference.

Please, GR, do not break my heart again!

Golden Rooster said...

Kim wrote: Can I sneak into the HQ party with you? I promise to hand feed you chocolates ;)

Kim, darling. You can sneak anywhere with me anytime. Throw chocolates into the mix & you can wear me on your shoulder like a parrot. I'll nibble on your ear like it was the sweetest Belgian truffle. Mmmmmm....

Save me a dance at the HQ party, yes?

Golden Rooster said...

Caren wrote: And in defense of people who wear Birkenstocks all year round, one's toes get cold in the winter. I know AC goes on and on about socks and Birkies, but come on. Winter is winter!

Come closer, Ms. Crane. I'll keep your toes warm...

Golden Rooster said...

Caren wrote: Did I tell them that you gave the fluff cycle on the dryer a try because you were having some...er...issues with getting your...er...feathers puffed?

I will neither confirm nor deny the dryer story. I will say only this: dryers feel nice. They're warm & they vibrate. What's not to love?

p.s. nutella = yummy. Ham in a can? not so much.

Golden Rooster said...

P226 wrote: Primary communications channel compromised.

Switch to failover.

Papa Two out.


Uh oh.

Susan Seyfarth said...

That stupid rooster is ruining my keyboard, pecking at it day & night. Sheesh. Is it midnight yet? Is somebody going to come for this little guy? I thought he was with Jennifer today but every time I turn around he's back.

I found him on the back deck this afternoon with all my chips & salsa. And a length of rope with some pretty elaborate knots.

Weird.

Anyhoo, I stuffed him in the linen closet. Whoever wins him tomorrow, go ahead & spring him.

Nighty night, all.

p226 said...

Anyhoo, I stuffed him in the linen closet. Whoever wins him tomorrow, go ahead & spring him.

Well, I suppose tomorrows question will be "who was in there with them" when someone springs him from the closet.

So far it seems we have a host of romance authors, a parakeet, and a couple of cats in the running.

And to think I gave that freakin' bird a day on liberty. Apparently his entire post has been a night in port. Yeah, next time he's here, it's all business.

Cassondra said...

P226 wrote:

Apparently his entire post has been a night in port.

Mmmmmm....Port....Yummmmm.

Caren Crane said...

P226, from the sound of it, the GR has visited MANY ports - and often! Really, we are way too easy on him. When I try to get him to lift a wing and help out the few times he's with me, he gives me a cold stare and a menacing "bwok-bwok".

And now he's dissing my Underwood Deviled Ham, when everyone with good taste knows it's the Best. Thing. Ever. Better than MREs, that's for sure!

Caren Crane said...

Cassondra, darling, has anyone ever accused you of enjoying the smell of, say, LAWNMOWER upon your person? Hmm?

Caren Crane said...

Susan, darling, haven't you admitted before that you have a poster of PARIS HILTON on your laundry room wall? Yes...I think I recall you mentioning your addiction to celebrity gossip more than once...

Caren Crane said...

Or, Susan, was that you with the Potato Gems and the Thai dipping sauce?!

Tawny said...

Be still my heart. A worthy adversary at last! I like how you think, Ms. Tawny. Will there be a frisking later? If so, count me in!

Frisking... fricasseeing ... what's the diff, sweets?

Why don't you cozy up here and lay your cockcomb on my lap while we talk about those pictures, hmmm?

Tawny said...

Well, I suppose tomorrows question will be "who was in there with them" when someone springs him from the closet.

So far it seems we have a host of romance authors, a parakeet, and a couple of cats in the running.


Gotta love a bird with such eclectic tastes LOLOL

Joan said...

seven three bravo four three four charlie seven bravo fox four three five four alpha charlie charlie four echo three fox zero one alpha three niner echo eight one two alpha two

I know this response is late and you may not even see it, P226 but.....What does all thar REALLY say??????? SPILL...