Saturday, January 29, 2011

Susan Snarks the Golden Globes

by Susan Sey

I realize this is no secret but I'll go ahead & confess: I'm a celebrity gossip junkie. Which means, of course, that my favorite season has just kicked off.

Awards season.

I don't know why I love awards shows so much. If there was ever a group of people who needed to congratulate themselves less, it's celebrities. These are fabulously gorgeous people who get professionally dressed up every stinkin' day. Do they really need to do it again on their night off?

Apparently so.

Of course, the Academy Awards are the big deal & I wouldn't miss it for the world. But my favorite, without question?

The Golden Globes.

Why the GGs? For one thing, it's the first major awards show of the season. We're all fresh & interested.

But second--and far more important--celebrities can drink at the Golden Globes. Considering the endless bottles of champagne at their tables, one might conclude they're practically encouraged to drink. And when celebrities drink, they give tipsy, ill-advised acceptance speeches.

I love the Golden Globes.

My husband, however, feels about the awards season the way I feel about the football season: Meh.

So I watch a great many of these shows alone. Which is not all bad. I'm probably as irritating as an armchair quarterback. In fact, I know I am. I have proof.

Here is a record of my brilliant & witty commentary on the whole thing, from the red carpet action straight through host Ricky Gervais' final acid-dipped salvo. You can ignore me any old time.

Hey, Christian Bale. Are you preparing to play Jesus next, or Barry Gibb?

Michelle William’s daisy dress. I dunno. Not working for me.

Is the sound cutting out, or are people really cursing that much?

This is the most gentle play-off/stop-talking music I’ve ever heard.

Ricky Gervais just introduced Bruce Willis as Ashton Kutcher’s dad. Hee.

Helen Mirrin is just hot. I’m sorry, she is.

And Chris Colfer is adorable. I want to put him in my pocket. I think he’d fit.

Am I alone in wondering if Lea Michele is really crying happy tears for Chris Colfer? Or is she just hogging camera time again?

Michelle Pfeiffer has a bangin’ body. Why, oh WHY would she wear saddle bags?

Wowza, Helena Bonham Carter. Still wearing your Bellatrix LeStrange hair?

I hope Tony Parker is at home gnashing his teeth because Eva Longoria is polished to a fine gleam.

What is it about Steve Buscemi’s wizened little self I find so appealing? He’s like a skinny little turtle inexplicably walking on his hind legs, and yet…I can’t look away.

Whoa, Jenny from the block. Not feeling the spangled poncho. You look like you’re wearing a harem girl’s skirt around your neck.

Justin Bieber is just snack sized, isn’t he?

I love it that Ricky Gervais just brings his drink out to the podium with him.

Anne Hathaway’s shoulder pads are like mini storage units.

Good lord, Al Pacino. Is Snooki doing your hair?

What is wrong with Dennis Quaid’s hair? It’s gone the way of Meg Ryan’s face.

On a side note, what the HELL is Tilda Swinton wearing? She looks like a nurse/nun as channeled by Maria from the Sound of Music. Maybe she made it herself out of old curtains?

Hey, dang, there’s Temple Grandin, hugging and kissing Claire Danes a little longer than Claire finds comfortable. Heh. And Jennifer Love Hewitt is looking like she’s already started drinking her disappointment away. Sorry, J Love.

I think Helena Bonham Carter has a crow trapped in her bosom. It looks sharp.

Ooooooh, Zac Efron cut his hair and packed on some muscle. When did that happen?

Hey, Aaron Sorkin. Boy, do I miss the West Wing. Did you know he has a degree in musical theatre? And occasionally dates Kristin Chenoweth? I wonder if he’s still occasionally dating cocaine?

Wow, Olivia Wilde went full out princess sparkly. I like it.

Blair Underwood….is that a leather jacket? A leather tuxedo jacket? Bold move, Mr. L A Law.

Melissa Leo just ended her speech with a heart-felt woohoo. Nice.

It would be tough to make a figure like January Jone’s look dumpy but damn, that dress made it happen.

Aw. They bleeped out the first few seconds of Paul Giamatti’s speech. I bet he cusses funny.

I don’t know how I feel about the sequined rose crowning Natalie Portman’s bosom. I think it’s pretty? Maybe if the dress weren’t such a blah color? A little awkward, though, when she announces her boyfriend totally wants to sleep with her, which is obvious because, hello, she’s preggers. Hmmm.

Poor Ricky Gervais is taking some jabs from the crowd tonight. Huh. It doesn’t seem like lighthearted fun, either. Would love to be a fly on the wall at the after parties tonight.

I like Sandra Bullock. I like her so much I want to kick Jesse James in the nuts myself. But oh, honey, those bangs are doing you no favors. Somewhere Kat Von D is smirking into her beer.

So how about you? Do watch the awards shows? Do you keep track of the awards or are you just in it for the fashion faux pas & the awkward moments? Will you watch the Oscars this year? What did you think of the Oscar nominees just announced? Exciting!

57 comments:

Daz said...

Hooray!!

BJ said...

Ok I'm so glad someone else is like me!!!!
I'm also bad I watch that show where they talk about their out fits after the fact....LOL
like how sandra and scarlet should have swapped outfits and then their hair would have totally worked!!!! And I will totally be watching the Oscars...probally in another room away from the family but such if life....that's how it...goes!!!!!

Daz said...

I'm not big on award shows but I do watch the Oscars ... okay more like I put it on in the background and tune in occasionally. I do, however, watch the red carpet segment that E! does before the show. Love watching everyone arriving in their sparkly, swanky clothes. I think that's my favorite part.

This year we're attending a "A Night At The Oscars" Black Tie dinner so I get to dress up too. Should be fun.

What are you doing awards night? Are you having a party and dressing up too?

Donna MacMeans said...

Oh Daz, that awards party sounds like fun. You'll have to be the first to post a comment that day as well so the GR can do. He looks smashing in black tie. The tail(s) comes naturally.

I didn't see much of the Golden Globes, just caught a few of Gervais's jabs. I think I heard the one about Robert Downey Jr. For the most part I just read about the winners in the paper the next day.

But I always watch the Oscars. Mainly because it hits in the middle of tax season and I'm up late anyway. I keep the TV on for company while working on returns. So no parties for me, I'm afraid.

Laurie Faelan said...

LOL. I don't watch them but after your commentary, I'm wondering what I'm missing. Maybe I'll try and catch a bit of the Oscars this year.

I would never have known that was Sandra Bullock! She is definitely NOT rocking those bangs!

Jane said...

Congrats, Daz.

I watched the Golden Globes and will be watching the SAGs on Sunday. I like Ricky Gervais and thought he did okay. I love Paul Giamatti and was happy to see him win. Loved that he was gushing about Halle Berry.

flchen1 said...

ROFL! I don't normally watch awards shows, but Susan, I would totally LOVE watching them with you :) Please, snark away! That makes me laugh hugely, the only way to truly enjoy these spectacles ;)

Sheree said...

I used to watch awards shows but not so much anymore. I do check online to see what people wore though. That's the fun part for me.

PinkPeony said...

Hey Susan!

I watched the Globes. Helen Mirren is da bomb. Smart, sexy with a twinkle in her eye like she's keeping a delicious secret.

Sandra's bangs...reminded me of the bangs that were in vogue during the late sixties. They were a bit too young ingenue for someone who's hurtled over the thirty-something hedgerow. (Uh, the only thing banging was her ex...gee, I need to write for the NY Post.)

Tilda has a history of wearing strange, angular shaped gowns, none of which complement her figure or her pale skin.

My guy, Jon Hamm, from Mad Men didn't win, but man he looked fab-U-lous. Hubba.

I was happy to see Colin Firth win!

What I'd really love to know is what's going on inside someone's head when they see their nemesis win.

Good grab on the GR, Daz!

Helen said...

Well done Deanna have fun with him

Susan

I don't normally watch any of the award shows (I don't watch TV much at all)although I do watch the bits that are on the news and I haven't even heard who has been nominated so for me I will be reading or probably at work when the show is on.

Have Fun
Helen

Anna Campbell said...

Hey, Deanna, whoo-hooo to you!

Susan, loved your piece on the Golden Globes. I love them too - the Oscars have got too pretentious for me in recent years but the Globes has this kinda almost not making it quality that works for me. I remember a few years ago, one of the actresses (Christine Lahti?) missed hearing her award announced because she was in the toilet. Love it!

Oh, I didn't like JLo's dress either. Looked like she was wearing a shower curtain. Never been a fan of Ricky Gervaise. Someone said he was being snarky and British. I just thought he was being lame.

One of the things I love about the Globes is that they divide the categories up between comedies and dramas. Makes for a more interesting mix of films, I find.

Anna Campbell said...

Oh, and agree with you about Sandra's bangs. There's a definition in Ambrose Bierce's Devil's Dictionary where he says people call them bangs because that's the urge observers get when they see them. By the way, did you know 'bangs' is an Americanism? We'd call it a fringe down here which kinda spoils the joke.

Deb Marlowe said...

Forget Joan Rivers and Ryan Seacrest--they need to hire you for commentary! :-)

Didn't watch, but hey, we live in the age of you-tube. I saw all the good stuff the next day!

I heard Sandra's bangs were a result of her newest role. Thank goodness!

Susan Sey said...

Daz! Congrats! You get today's first award--the Golden Rooster!

Susan Sey said...

BJ wrote: I'm also bad I watch that show where they talk about their out fits after the fact....LOL
like how sandra and scarlet should have swapped outfits and then their hair would have totally worked!!!!


Ha! That would have been an awkward little moment in the dressing room, wouldn't it, as Sandra has been rumored to be heating things up with Ryan Reynolds, Scarlett's brand new ex-husband?

And THIS, my friends, is why I dig awards season. Where else are you going to find Jennifer Aniston, Brad Pitt AND Angelina Jolie in the same room, smiling fake smiles at one another?

Susan Sey said...

Daz wrote: This year we're attending a "A Night At The Oscars" Black Tie dinner so I get to dress up too. Should be fun.

Oh, that DOES sound like fun! One day, when my kids are big enough to stay home alone (because right now, dang, a babysitter will break the bank) I'm going to do that. I will force my husband to put on a tux & I'm going full-out princess sparkly like Olivia Wilde did this year.

As for us, we have take out dinner in front of the TV & then I put out a sundae bar. I give my kids a bowl of plain ice cream & let 'em fancy it up however they want. It's like the red carpet in their dish. They love it. :-)

Susan Sey said...

Donna wrote: But I always watch the Oscars. Mainly because it hits in the middle of tax season and I'm up late anyway. I keep the TV on for company while working on returns. So no parties for me, I'm afraid.

This is a great idea, Donna, watching the awards as a little treat while doing something tedious. I used to treat myself to romance novels like that when I was in grad school. I'd read a chapter of my finance text book (which took at least an hour), then treat myself to a chapter of my romance novel (which would take ten minutes.) It was a wonderful motivator.

Susan Sey said...

Laurie Faelen wrote: I would never have known that was Sandra Bullock! She is definitely NOT rocking those bangs!

OMG, I *know*, right? I think she was remembering her big Oscars speech last year, thanking her feckless husband for being her rock then finding out like two days later he was sleeping with a bunch of tattooed harlots. Maybe she just wanted to hide?

I love Sandra. I so hope she ends up with somebody fabulous. Not to sound vindictive, but I sort of think Jesse James & Kat Von D deserve each other.

Susan Sey said...

Jane wrote: I like Ricky Gervais and thought he did okay.

I do, too! I don't know what the kerfuffle was about. Anybody who's seen The Office (either the British or the American version) knows that Ricky specializes in humor that delivers the wincing, uncomfortable truth & the camera doesn't cut away. What did they *think* he was going to do, when presented with a roomful of over-paid, over-dressed, self-congratulatory celebrities?

I thought he was scathing & harsh & very, very funny. I hope they invite him back next year. Who's with me?

Susan Sey said...

flchen1 wrote: ROFL! I don't normally watch awards shows, but Susan, I would totally LOVE watching them with you :)

Oh, then you should totally come over tomorrow night! The SAG awards are on (Screen Actor's Guild) and my husband will be out of town. I'll be snarking all by my lonesome. Boo. :-(

Susan Sey said...

Sheree wrote: I used to watch awards shows but not so much anymore. I do check online to see what people wore though. That's the fun part for me.

Oh, that's totally the best part! Do you ever go to the blog site GoFugYourself? Bandita Jeanne turned me on to it, & oh my gosh those girls are funny. It's a fashion blog & they are merciless & witty. It's like Smart Bitches do Fashion.

Susan Sey said...

PinkPeony wrote: I watched the Globes. Helen Mirren is da bomb. Smart, sexy with a twinkle in her eye like she's keeping a delicious secret.

Oh, I know. One day I want to grow up to be as sexy as Helen Mirren. It gives me great hope to think I have until my sixties to figure out how. :-)

Susan Sey said...

Helen wrote: I don't normally watch any of the award shows (I don't watch TV much at all)although I do watch the bits that are on the news and I haven't even heard who has been nominated so for me I will be reading or probably at work when the show is on.

Oh, Helen, you're wise to steer clear of the whole thing. It's absolute drivel. Stupid fluff. I wish I weren't addicted, but it's too late for that now.

Now I just need my fix. It's like Diet Coke, only compressed into three months in the spring. But I can't quit it.

Susan Sey said...

Anna C wrote: the Oscars have got too pretentious for me in recent years but the Globes has this kinda almost not making it quality that works for me. I remember a few years ago, one of the actresses (Christine Lahti?) missed hearing her award announced because she was in the toilet. Love it!

That's it exactly! That's why I love the Golden Globes! It's unstuffy, I guess. The Academy Awards take themselves so seriously but the GGs? It's okay to admit you were in the potty when your name was called?

It's all about the free champagne, people.

Susan Sey said...

Anna C wrote: There's a definition in Ambrose Bierce's Devil's Dictionary where he says people call them bangs because that's the urge observers get when they see them.

Ha! I should remember this whenever I get the urge to cut myself some bangs. It overcomes me ever once in a great while. I generally resist but about once every ten years I succumb. Then I spend a full year wishing I hadn't.

Susan Sey said...

Deb Marlowe wrote: I heard Sandra's bangs were a result of her newest role. Thank goodness!

Oh, Deb, thank you! This relieves me more than it probably should. I adore Sandy, as you know, & it grieved me that she would make such a misstep when her ex-husband needs to see her & gnash his teeth with bitter regret.

hrdwrkdmom aka Dianna said...

I don't watch the award shows but I do look at what they were wearing the next day. I wonder if some of them even look in the mirror before they walk out of the house.

Susan Sey said...

hrdwrkdmom aka Dianna wrote: I wonder if some of them even look in the mirror before they walk out of the house.

What? No, of course not. They pay people to do that for them. Which explains a great deal, does it not?

:-)

Joan said...

And the Golden Rooster for fantastic blogs goes too....

Susan!!

I do usually watch the awards shows, mostly the country music ones though this year, because of "The King's Speech" I'm watching all of them.

It's been too long ago (2 weeks?) for me to comment on a lot of specifics but I agree about the bangs (somebody else had some just like them), Helena Bodham Carter (shakes head)With that hair she couldn't even get the hat she wore in TKS on her HEAD!

Alas, duckling I will have to take the other side of the fence regarding Ricky. Now, I've thought him very funny in the past but his performance at the GG's was IMHO, no where in the humor range.

His commentary was not "touching" on the foibles of the swank crowd but felt to me, anyway, pointed and spiteful. To bring up Robert Downey Jr.'s issues....to my knowledge WAY in his past....proved it.

The WORSE cringe worthy moment was his deragotory description of the President of the GG's being so feeble Ricky had to help him out of the loo!

He was edgy last year, but NOT like this.

Sigh.

Now, I'm off to LIKE Colin Firth on FB. Yummo...he can KING me anytime!

Susan Sey said...

Joan wrote: Alas, duckling I will have to take the other side of the fence regarding Ricky. Now, I've thought him very funny in the past but his performance at the GG's was IMHO, no where in the humor range.

Oh, I completely understand how people would take this viewpoint. Even I, who enjoyed his performance, found a few moments in there that were cringeworthy, of course. But given his body of work, I don't think the GG people had any grounds to act surprised or offended. This kind of biting humor is what he does. Sometimes it comes off scathingly funny. Sometimes it comes off as mean. You run that risk when you hire Ricky Gervais. If you want gentle fun-poking, hire Steve Martin or Billy Crystal.

Or, hey, Hugh Jackman again. Now that I think of it, yes, please hire Hugh. PLEASE, hire Hugh. :-)

flchen1 said...

Oh nos, Susan! I'll be over tonight to enjoy the show with you then ;)

Susan Sey said...

flchen1 wrote: Oh nos, Susan! I'll be over tonight to enjoy the show with you then ;)

Bless you. I hate snarking alone. :-)

Nancy said...

Susan, how fun! I used to watch the awards shows faithfully, but I've gotten away from that, mainly because we're such sticks in the mud that we've seldom seen more than one or two (if that) of the nominated films.

I've wanted to see Inception for months, but we never got there. Now I'm looking to rent it. We just seem to have other things going on. Unless it's a movie someone at our house REALLY wants to see, like Harry Potter or Star Trek or Wolverine or Thor (generally escapist fare we can count on for a lift) it just doesn't happen.

The dh and I will probably see more movies next year, when we're trying to ignore the emptiness of our nest.

What you said about the clothes, though--it's sometimes hard to believe what people wear! I realize the gowns and probably the tuxes are comped but, really, why would you pay a stylist to make you look like that? Why would you go outside looking like that? Especially where there are cameras.

Susan Sey said...

Nancy wrote: I realize the gowns and probably the tuxes are comped but, really, why would you pay a stylist to make you look like that? Why would you go outside looking like that? Especially where there are cameras.

Geez, I know! And not just one or two but LOTS of cameras. There is not one single chance you will not be photographed. Why oh why would you wear some of that stuff?

And, btw, you MUST make time to see Inception. It's so visually startling & pleasantly mind-bending. It's just very, very cool & I was so glad my husband talked me into seeing it on the big screen.

Nancy said...

Susan wrote: And, btw, you MUST make time to see Inception. It's so visually startling & pleasantly mind-bending. It's just very, very cool & I was so glad my husband talked me into seeing it on the big screen.

I think some movies really are better on the big screen. LOTR, for example. The scenery of New Zealand is so dramatic, and it doesn't come across the same way on a smaller screen.

jo robertson said...

Uproariously hilarious post, Smoov! Loved your snarky comments.

I love the awards, love the glit and glam of people (for the most part) who are way too privileged. I'm not too much for the fashion statements; I find the comments ABOUT the fashion much funnier.

What interests me most is the emcee. Who knew Jackman was so multi-talented? Billy Crystal was always a fave, adore his humor.

jo robertson said...

Daz, congrats on the rooster.

Your "A Night at the Oscars" party sounds like a glamour hoot!

I'm like you, Donna. I ALWAYS watch the Academy Awards, but the others? Not so much. Except I do like to see how much People's Choice, SAG Awards and the Golden Globes do/do not foreshadow the Oscars.

jo robertson said...

ROTFLOL, Pink! You definitely need to write one of those let-it-all-hang-out columns for a major newspaper!

I'm surprised by how many of our BB's don't watch the awards shows. Hmmm, maybe I need to get a life.

jo robertson said...

Pink said, "Tilda has a history of wearing strange, angular shaped gowns, none of which complement her figure or her pale skin."

Yes, and she has a very adrogenous look to her.

jo robertson said...

Susan said, "I thought he was scathing & harsh & very, very funny."

I thought he was (predictably) all those things too, but I did think Ricky G. went a wee bit over the top.

Danielle Gorman said...

I love watching awards shows. I love watching for who wins and all of the fashions. I like it when the winner gets choked up. It actually makes me cry. I am a sucker though! I know it may be weird but I really like the "In Memoriam" montage that they do at the main award shows.

catslady said...

Thank you I enjoyed that. I only saw maybe the last hour. My husband hates award shows too and usually is in charge of the tv remote. I forget to check out what's on because it's not usually worth it but once in a while I put my foot down lol. From what I heard I thought Ricky Gervais did a great job.

Susan Sey said...

Nancy wrote: I think some movies really are better on the big screen. LOTR, for example.

Oh, that scenery is absolutely breathtaking, isn't it? Man. I'd love to visit that country.

Susan Sey said...

Jo wrote: I'm not too much for the fashion statements; I find the comments ABOUT the fashion much funnier.

Oh, absolutely. I have no particular expertise in fashion, aside from that which anybody who faithfully reads People Magazine might have. But I do enjoy goggling at some of the red carpet risks. Tilda Swinton is one of my favorites. I can't remember who said it here but she really IS very androgenous looking & really plays it up with some of her choices. I adore her confidence.

Susan Sey said...

Jo wrote: I thought he was (predictably) all those things too, but I did think Ricky G. went a wee bit over the top.

I somehow missed the bit where he made some awful remark about having to help the president of the Hollywood Foreign Press off the toilet or some such nonsense (ick) but the one that I felt was just too mean was when he reeled off Tom Hanks' list of accomplishments (impressive) and deliberately compared it to his co-presentor Tim Allen's. (Obviously not as impressive.)

That was a bit mean-spirited. Because come on. Who looks good standing next to Tom Hanks??

Susan Sey said...

Danielle wrote: I like it when the winner gets choked up. It actually makes me cry.

Oh, me too! Remember the year Phillip Seymour Hoffman won his Oscar? His voice was trembling & you could see his hands shaking while he was giving a heartfelt speech that completely choked me up.

I adore it when stars show their nerves. It makes them seem (apart from their exquisite bone structure & gobs of money) almost human.

Susan Sey said...

catslady wrote: My husband hates award shows too and usually is in charge of the tv remote. I forget to check out what's on because it's not usually worth it but once in a while I put my foot down lol.

Ha! I have to do that, too, sometimes. It always takes my husband by surprise because I generally don't care what's on. But when it's awards season, watch out, buster! The claws are OUT.

Leni said...

I've lost count of all of the award shows and don't bother with them.

Susan Sey said...

Leni wrote: I've lost count of all of the award shows and don't bother with them.

Well, it's true, there are a lot of them. Who knew celebrities needed to congratulate themselves quite so often?

But I do enjoy watching them have at it, so there's that. Wish I could quit them but...that's why they call it a guilty pleasure, I guess.

Anna Campbell said...

Danielle, I love the In Memoriam montage too. Always chokes me up and sometimes I've missed the news of someone's passing. I also love the career achievement awards - often they really go to worthwhile people. It was actually pretty moving seeing the reception the audience gave Scorsese when he won the Cecil B. De Mille Award.

Louisa Cornell said...

Shoot! Blogger at my comment!

Daz, you won our little gold statue! Ooops. Don't tell the GR I said that!

It's official. When they make one of my historical romances into a movie and it gets nominated for multiple Oscars Smoov is going to be my date! The running commentary alone will be far more entertaining than the show!!

I used to watch the Golden Globes and the Oscars every year. Not so much now. I do, however, keep up the night of the awards ceremonies with the online updates.

Yes, Sandra Bullock called him her rock. She just didn't realize she was referring to the place he crawled out from under, not the actual creature himself!

I think Susan should emcee the Golden Heart / Rita Awards! Can I get an AMEN??

limecello said...

Apparently Bale has played Jesus before? :X

Susan Sey said...

Louisa wrote:
It's official. When they make one of my historical romances into a movie and it gets nominated for multiple Oscars Smoov is going to be my date!


I would be delighted to be your date. Now, will you be the arm candy, or shall I? I think you'd better. I can't be trusted with decolletage, seeing as I don't have any. :-)

Susan Sey said...

Limecello wrote: Apparently Bale has played Jesus before?

this sent me to google but apparently yes, he has. Now he claims he's just between roles & being lazy but I dunno. Looks jesusy to me. (I'm pretty sure I just made that word up--jesusy.)

Anna Sugden said...

Oh man, Susan, if you were here I'd love to watch the GG's or any awards with you - your commentary is my kinda thing! You had me in stitches! I normally only watch for the outfits and shoes, but I could be persuaded otherwise.

I have to say, I'm terrible at those kinds of ceremonies - ask anyone who's sat next to me at the GH/RITA's (unless I'm up front on good behaviour *g*)

Hannah Dennison said...

I LOVE LOVE the Globes, BAFTA ... the Oscars - you name it ... I love it all. I even enjoy reading the National Enquirer (which apparently is all TRUE) - so ...it's nice to know I'm not the only one with such a guilty pleasure!

Kaetrin said...

I didn't watch the GG's but I had a chuckle at your commentary. Thx for the laugh!