Wednesday, April 8, 2009

El Diablo Conejo

You've Come A Long Way, Bunny

by Cassondra Murray

See this guy on the right? The fuzzy one with the big ears?

Kinda cute, isn't he? Soft and cuddly. Check out those big blue eyes, the calming, pastel-pink fluff in his ears and on his chest, the friendly, glad-to-see-you lilt of his gaping maw....uh...cute little mouth and buck teeth.
Harmless. Or so he'd like us to think.
I, for one, know better. I don't think he's harmless at all. There's increasing evidence to support my position, and after a quick bit of internet research and the extremely scientific polling of friends (Fellow Bandita, Jeanne), I've come to the conclusion that I'm not the only one who's caught onto his vile plan.
"What plan," you ask?

The Easter Bunny. This time of year, just like Santa at Christmas, the bunny is everywhere. But I think he's hiding his true identity and luring us in because the cuteness is a farce.
In truth, he's El Diablo Conejo. The Devil Rabbit.

Go ahead, just...go ahead. Laugh at my paranoia. But in the photo on the left, you might get a glimpse of the truth behind the cute, fuzzy facade. And although I can't prove that the photo on the left is pristine or un-retouched, this little toddler's reaction--well-- I think it says it all. I mean, have you ever looked--really LOOKED-- at The Easter Bunny? I have.

I was, unfortunately, at the mall today. I don't like malls, with their artificially-generated environments. But the only place I can buy my shampoo is at the mall. So there I was, minding my own business, strolling into the mall, when I saw him. He was sitting smack in the middle of the mall's center court, on a throne-like chair. And a looooooong string of worshipers......oh, sorry......parents.... were restraining their screaming children, who were, with all their tiny mights, trying to get far, far away from The Easter Bunny.

They know. You've heard what they say about dogs and small children, haven't you? If your dog doesn't like it, or your little kid doesn't like it, it's probably got an evil soul. Well, I can verify that most kids don't wanna go anywhere near this guy. And is it any wonder? Somehow, over the years, using his plushness, the Bambi-fying of the animal kingdom by Disney, and the massive marketing tool that is Hallmark (I think they're all in cahoots) he's lulled the adult population into a false sense of security.
I came to this conclusion years ago.

When I was in my early twenties, I had to do a feature story on the Easter Bunny. I went to his lair-- the mall. I interviewed him. I helped the photographer set up shots. I saw him from all angles. I got down on my knees to check out a low-angle shot, and that's when I figured it out. But at that time I was a young woman. I know it was weak of me, but I was afraid to say what I really thought, so I did a feel-good fluff piece on what it was like to be the Easter Bunny, how much work it was to sit for hours, entertaining the swarms of chocolate-egg-drugged and hypnotized....uh...adoring crowds who flocked to see him, surrounded him, and let him feed on their childr.....uh...set their kids in his lap for cute pictures to send to the grandparents.

Oh, SURE, the kids always came back to the parents. But trust me, they were NOT the same.

Here's a picture of what should be a normal human child, but look what's happened. I'd lay money on the table that before this little one was even a glimmer in the eye, his grandparents took their daughter or son to see...yep, that's right...El Diablo Conejo.

What is the basis of this urge anyway? Why do we, as adults, have some irrational need to shove our kids onto the laps of strangers in gigantic fuzzy suits and take pictures?



As a kid, I colored eggs with vigor. I hunted eggs. I waited for my Easter basket every year, with

its goodies wrapped in cellophane and nestled on a bed of fake paper-and-plastic grass. But I knew my mom fixed it up for me. We were far from wealthy, and my Easter basket hung on the back of the basement door, wrapped securely in a big paper bag, and got filled again each year with some different, and some the same, goodies. It was purple. I loved it. I loved Easter.

And I never went to visit the "Easter Bunny."

Now, each time I go through my old photo albums, I smile over the pics of me as a kid, playing with my dog, or half-buried in a pile of leaves, or perched on the edge of the wagon-load of corn, with my dad on the tractor ahead of me, or holding a big armload of chrysanthemums from my mom's flower garden. I even have a picture of me with my purple Easter basket. Not once have I ever shed a tear, or even had a passing thought of mourning because there was no picture of me in the clutches of a giant, buck-toothed, two-legged Easter Creature.

I know what you're thinking. You think I had to look hard to find these evil-looking Easter Bunnies. But alas, just the opposite is true. I actually had to look hard to find the cute one at the top of the blog. I think maybe the true nature of the beast comes out once El Diablo Conejo has a child in its lap, but the parents are so brainwashed that they just don't see it. They focus on the child. This little girl is old enough, you see, to hide her true feelings and "be good" for the photo.

The thing is, that cute fuzzy guy at the top of the page? That picture was taken by an adult, at adult eye level. If you'd get down on your knees or even a little lower--at two-year-old level--and take a look at that dude with the big ears, you'd see an entirely different picture.

Put yourself in the kid's position for just a minute.
Enormous paws clutch at you, a big, gaping mouth looms above you, with gargantuan teeth jutting out, and down, at YOU, the small child he's about to devour. Giant, pointy eyes, bug out at the sight of his prey. And including the ears, he's nearly seven feet tall. The ears bounce over you as the head nods forward. And, oh yes, speaking of the head. It's the size of a small car. And scream though you may, you cannot get your parents to see the danger. Finally, after years of this torture, you figure out that if you shut up and smile, you might get out alive.

Yeah, kids might be scared of Santa's beard, but hey, they're not stupid. Would you want to be thrust into the clutches of a monster like this? What the heck are we doing? Why do we have this need to force our kids, often kicking and screaming, into the arms of their worst nightmares?

Please don't misunderstand. I like bunnies. REAL bunnies. I go to great lengths to fence them out of my veggie patch so we can coexist peacefully. Each year several regular bunnies, just like the one in the picture below, build nests and raise bunny families in my yard. I even mow around the nests until the babies are weaned, to make sure they're not harmed. As far as I can tell, the little guy in this picture, in spite of the ears, has no actual genetic relationship to El Diablo Conejo. Still...one can never quite tell. There exists, in some archives, filmed evidence that even the most innocent-looking of the species could succumb to repressed violent urges. Here's an image captured from one such documentary film. Look at the carnage around this gentle-looking specimen.
It's my understanding that Easter started out as a pagan holiday, a celebration of spring and the equinox, and later morphed into a Christian celebration of the Resurrection of Christ. As symbols go, there are a few available. I've figured out that the cross, which is actually a symbol of the crucifixion, is beautifully simple in design, though horrific in meaning, and is much more practical to create as a piece of jewelry, than is, say, a tiny golden cave with an even tinier stone rolled away from the opening--perhaps the only real visual symbol of the resurrection as told in the Bible. From the pagan side of things, flowers and, yes, eggs, are probably a good fit.

But The Easter Bunny? What religion is this?

While I have not done a study on the origins of El Diablo Conejo, I did find photographic evidence of a cult of fanatical worshipers. Check out the living monument on the right. He's come a long way from Beatrix Potter and Mr. McGregor's garden.



All those years ago, when I wrote that feature, I knew the truth. But it's taken me until now to get up the nerve to go public . If you're thinking about taking your kids to visit The Easter Bunny, you should be aware. When your kid starts screaming, don't say I didn't warn you.


Looks like it's already too late for this young gentleman on the left. He has no clue that he's in the grasp of death disguised as cutesy-pie. And yet, his smile does look a bit fake, doesn't it?

And in case you're wondering, yes, even I have some unfortunate leanings toward the religion of El Diablo Canejo. No, I did NOT sit on his lap, and as far as I know, he's never touched me directly. Even on that life-changing day when I went to interview him, I was careful to maintain my distance. But no amount of precaution was enough. Now I recognize that he has other ways of injecting an unwary population with his seductive, addictive venom.

So this year, if you haven't already exposed your little ones, please, think twice. Things are not always what they seem.


Tell me, Banditas and friends, has his venom spread to where you are? Is El Diablo Conejo out and about in your city--or your country?

Did you ever visit the Easter Bunny? Did you sit on his lap and have your picture taken? Have you been...dare I say it...assimilated?

Do you take your kids to see him?

Do they cry, or is it too late for them already?

Have you fallen victim to his chocolate Graven Images? Or have you been able to resist?

What are your fondest Easter memories?

Do you still color eggs at your house?


And one last question. When you're facing down El Diablo Conejo, do you bite off the ears first?

91 comments:

Jane said...

I want him.

Cassondra said...

Ha! You GOT him!

Congratulations Jane! Whatcha gonnan do with the Golden Rooster all day?

limecello said...

lol - congrats on the GR, Jane - what a day to get him!

And... :P since I'm ridiculously sick and stayed around until pi time (3:14 AM)- can I have Sven as consolation?

Jane said...

Hi Cassondra,
I think you make a great point. Those Easter Bunnies are giving me the creeps. I've never visited the Easter Bunny, sat on his lap or taken a picture with him. I always thought I missed out on the fun, but now I'm glad I didn't. In school we used to make Easter baskets out of construction paper. I haven't colored eggs in a while, but I think it would be fun to do it again. I do have mad love for the chocolate Easter Bunny. Dove makes a delicious one. I'll admit that I eat the ears first.

Annie West said...

Jane, congratulations!

Cassondra, I'm just about to turn off the computer and give my tired arms a break. But I had to check out your blog. Wow, what scary bunnies! That's nightmare material.

In this house bunnies get devoured anyway we want. They don't put up much resistance. They don't have a chance! Happy Easter, Banditas!

Cassondra said...

Limecello, you KNOW that Sven would be happy to bring you a drink or give you a nice massage. But after the disconcerting realization that he was feeling used...well...I'm afraid to promise anything. Perhaps Christine could speak with him on your behalf.

We almost lost him once, and I'm not takin' any chances. That said, Demetrius is always good for a bit of shield sledding....

Cassondra said...

Jane said:

I do have mad love for the chocolate Easter Bunny. Dove makes a delicious one. I'll admit that I eat the ears first.


Ooooo, DOVE Easter Bunnies. I've never had one of those. Oh, man. I'm drooling now. Gotta get me some.

OMG! See? You're INFECTED!

Anna Campbell said...

Hey, Jane! That ruthless approach obviously works! You got him! Gosh, all three posts were really close together!

Cassondra said...

Annie West said:

In this house bunnies get devoured anyway we want. They don't put up much resistance. They don't have a chance!

I see you've found the secret to defending yourself. Maybe we shoud all take lessons from you!

What a great day you had on the blog yesterday, and Happy Easter to you, too!

Jane said...

It's going to be a nice day, so I might take the GR for a stroll through Central Park.

Cassondra said...

Anna said:

Gosh, all three posts were really close together!


They were, weren't they? I figured as late as I'm getting the blog up, only the Aussies would be awake. Ha! Shows me. I'm not the only night owl.

Anna Campbell said...

Cassondra! El Diablo Conejo??!!! I love it!!! Solid 24-carrot gold! Those bunnies were seriously scary, by the way. Actually my favourite bunnies are the ones made of Lindt chocolate with bells round their necks. Do you get them in the States? YUM!!!! And yeah, I start at the ears ;-)

Cassondra said...

Jane said:

It's going to be a nice day, so I might take the GR for a stroll through Central Park.



Oh, that sounds wonderful! All the times I've been to The City, I've never been to Central Park. Is anything blooming up there yet? We have daffodils, tulips, and hyacinths down here. It's going to be a really pretty Easter weekend if the weather holds.

You better watch him though. It's spring, love is in the air, and I've heard there are some BOLD pigeons up your way.

Cassondra said...

Anna Campbell said:

Solid 24-carrot gold!

SNORK!

Actually my favourite bunnies are the ones made of Lindt chocolate with bells round their necks.

Lindt bunnies? AAAAAAHHHHHHH!!!!!

I've made a tactical error. EVERYBODY HERE IS INFECTED AND ON HIS SIDE! AAAAAHHHHHH!

Jane said...

We do have Lindt chocolate bunnies here. I saw them at Rite-Aid. I saw the mini bunnies and they had red ribbons on their necks.

Cassondra said...

Jane said:

I saw them at Rite-Aid.

Going to Rite-Aid tomorrow. No doubt. It ain't Easter without a chocolate bunny.

Cassondra said...

Goin to bed for a few hours. Y'all rock on in the lair--and for your own good, if somebody comes in with a chocolate bunny, RUN!

jo robertson said...

Cassondra, hilarious post. I should not be laughing so hard when I'm ready to go to bed. Now, I'll likely be having nightmares of gigantic Chucky-like bunnies!

As far as I'm concerned the best part of Easter is coloring eggs, making deviled (ah ha!) eggs with them later, and eating all that wonderful chocolate.

Uh, duh, yeah, the ears HAVE to go first; that's the ritual.

Yay, Jane, you certainly did get him! Yay for you! Actually, Limecello, Sven makes quite a nice consolation prize, doesn't he?

Christine Wells said...

OMG, I am crying with laughter over this post. Thank you, Cassondra, you've confirmed a long-held suspicion of mine. The Easter Bunny is EVOL!!

S/he/it came to my son's school today wearing lolly pink suit with black sunglasses and hot pink zinc cream all over its face. Unfortunately, someone had forgotten to stock said bunny with a basket of eggs so it was basically the bunny and a bunch of scared kids looking at one another for a few minutes. The teacher said, "Um, er, do you all want to pat the bunny?" The kids all just looked doubtful, then went back to eating their cake and ignored the strange woman in the suit.

Bunny shrugged and slunk away.

Loved the post! Happy Easter, everybody!

Congrats, Jane!

Tawny said...

OMG ROFLMAO!!! Cassondra, you rock LOL. Way to expose that evil rabbit!!! Those are some seriously terrifying pictures -I would so NOT plop my precious babies down on the lap of something that looks that mean!

Nope, uh uhn.

Um, well, of course, my kids scream bloody murder at the sight of Santa, so I have to admit, by the time Easter rolls around, my ears are still ringing and I'm not about to suffer through the mall, so that probably factors in. Besides, its so much more fun to scrapbook pictures of coloring eggs, baskets and jellybean races than, well, that evil rabbit.

Jo nailed it- he looks like Chucky.

btw, Jane, congrats on the rooster... don't let him see these pictures!!!

(and of course I start at the ears... the toes are too fat *g*)

Helen said...

Congrats Jane I am sure he is going to love his visit to Central Park have fun with him

Cassondra I am laughing so much I have tears running down my face actually I have seen one of those pictures with the nasty toothy Bunny at work every year we donate eggs and stuffed toys for the disabled kids and nursing homes in our area and one of the posters that was put up to remind staff to bring in easter eggs was that poster and the Guy who put it up had on the bottom something about bring eggs or you kids will cry and I thought it was awful but it was mean't as a joke, then about 5 of the staff take turns in dressing up as the easter bunny and they drive around to the disabled schools and nursing homes and give them the eggs and toys and they love it.

I have never visited the easter bunny or had my photo taken with him neither have my children but I love easter eggs and I too love the Lindt Bunnies. I have just got back from the shops with bags of easter eggs and some pyjamas for the babies for easter as everyone is comming for lunch tomorrow.

For me easter is time spent with the family and lots of chocolate

Have Fun
Helen

Caren Crane said...

Jane! Way to score the GR!! Poor Lime. I think Sven should brew you some tea and perhaps heat the sauna for you. Hope you feel better!

Cassondra, in my opinion the only good Easter bunny is a chocolate one. Preferably sans ears, as I have nibbled them off!

As a kid, I NEVER understood where the Easter Bunny came from. As you said, he is clearly not part of the Resurrection. They don't even mention a rabbit sacrifice or a pot of Welsh rarebit! Come to think of it, the Bible doesn't mention chocolate either. Hm...

Anyway, I always loved it when they decorated the Cain-Sloan department store in downtown Nashville for Easter and had the Bunny on his throne. I NEVER had my picture taken that I recall (I'm pretty sure my parents would've considered that a sinful waste of money!), nor did I want to. Truthfully, the Easter Bunny and Santas always freaked me out as a kid.

I do have a Santa pic of my kids and my oldest niece, but my dh and bil dragged them out for it, I think. I am not a fan of the mall around major holidays. As a matter of fact, I worked as an assistant manager at a mall store (took several years to work up to that), so I got all malled out at an early age!

I agree. He IS El Diablo Conejo. Quick, hide the children!!

Caren Crane said...

Anna, I ADORE Lindt bunnies! The ones I usually buy, though, are Russell Stover. I am very fond of Russell Stover chocolates. I bought my girls some Belgian choco bunnies this year. I hope they're good!

Oh...and I did NOT buy stuff to make a basket for The Boy. Since he will be 23 in 10 days, I figured it was time to cut him loose! *g*

Houston A.W. Knight said...

LOL,

No never sat on the E Bunny's lap or had a photo taken...my mom was a pagan.

Evil looking guy if you ask me!
I'm with you on the evil bunnies...stay away, far far away from them!

Hawk

Deb Marlowe said...

Bwa ha ha! Cassondra, you slay me. Those pics are hysterical.

My kids have never sat on the bunny's lap. I think I did as a small child, but I have blocked the nightmare memory. :-)

We always had fabulous Chocolate Easter candy from a local Chocolate factory as a kid--Sarris Candy. So good! I order it online for my kids.

I hope all the Banditas have a lovely Easter!

Beth said...

Oh, my. I'm pretty sure I'm scarred for life after seeing those pictures, Cassondra - especially that second one (shudder)

I never had my picture taken with the Easter Bunny and have never had my kids' picture taken with him (it?) either.

I have to admit, I've never had their picture taken with Santa Claus either. They just never seemed interested so I didn't bother *g*

As for chocolate bunnies, we only recently threw out the solid chocolate bunnies from LAST Easter so this year I'm buying smaller ones. And yes, the ears are the first to go ;-)

p226 said...

Ahahahaha


"THAT'S NO ORDINARY RABBIT!"

"Look at the TEETH on it, man!"

Documentary... LOL, Monty Python is a documentary... So there really is a castle in England with a "Grail Light" full of blond nuns whose only wish is to have their bums spanked for being so naughty? Hmmm... where'd I put the number for my travel agent...

Nah. My kid didn't do the easter bunny thing, nor the santa thing. He just wasn't interested. One year when he was very little, we took him to do the easter-bunny lap thing. He watched from afar with his little brows wrinkled down in keen observation (maybe, age two) for a good five minutes. He decided he wanted none of whatever strange ritual was occurring in the mall's center court. He let us know this with a head-shake, a "no" and a gesture towards the water fountains. He really liked those. We respected his wishes. We flipped pennies into the water fountain instead of worshiping at the buck-toothed alter of fertility.

Joan said...

Cassondra. Are you trying to tell me, that my devotion to chocolate Baby Binks bunnies may be part of a subversive plan for bunny domination?

I'll go you one better on the mall version. When I was a junior in high school one of the girl's I hung out with (the one with the car) wanted to drive around as the Easter Bunny. So my own mother made her a suit and off we went cruising on the Saturday night before Easter.

Not one child screamed. We got waves and "Hi Easter Bunny" and a "dear God what will they think of next" head shake from a police officer.

Now, must go off and get the eggs ready for Numero Uno Buggso

terrio said...

I can't remember the last time my kiddo went near a mall Easter Bunny. She likes the Santa thing, but has no interest in the big bunny.

But I do have to say, I was once a mall Easter Bunny. That's right, for one day when I was 17, I *was* inside the suit. And let me tell you, that was one of the worst days of my life. It must have been 200 degrees inside that head! And I couldn't believe how many adults came to sit on my lap. I kid you not!

So though I'd never do it again and I don't take my kiddo, I do have some respect for anyone willing to go through all that to make little kids happy.

Louisa Cornell said...

ROFLAMO, Cassondra! You are nuts! This is a great post! The Easter Bunny arrived at Wal-Mart this weekend and yes the parents were lined up to have their kids photos taken with him. Unfortunately many of my co workers lined up to have their photos taken as well. Of course they knew who was in the suit - this cute 20 year old guy who works in the photo lab. That might explain their eagerness to have their photo made. However, I was not happy to hear the screaming kids ALL DAY LONG! while their parents kept insisting on having those photos made. FOUR HOURS OF SCREAMING KIDS!!

However, I AM fond of bunnies of the chocolate variety! EARS FIRST, of course!!

Yes, there are photos in captivity of the future Louisa Cornell in a crinoline and silk dress with a hat, gloves, little white socks and shiny Mary Janes on with an Easter basket in hand sitting on the Easter Bunny's lap. SHUDDER! Of course my favorite photo is of my youngest brother screaming his head off in the clutches of the Easter Bunny. We drag it out every year!

Cassondra said...

Jo said:

Now, I'll likely be having nightmares of gigantic Chucky-like bunnies!


No worries Jo. If you haven't been in direct contact, you'll probably be okay. Oh, but wait. You have lots of kids--and grandkids. Dang. Chances are very good that you HAVE been exposed to El Conejo directly. If it was just chocolate bunny infection, there'd be hope. We may need an intervention. What's your status? Has he actually touched you or your little ones?

Cassondra said...

Christine Wells said:

Thank you, Cassondra, you've confirmed a long-held suspicion of mine. The Easter Bunny is EVOL!!

S/he/it came to my son's school today wearing lolly pink suit with black sunglasses and hot pink zinc cream all over its face.


SEE!!!! He's starting to find it harder to disguise his real inner self! RUN!

And I knew I wasn't the only one. With all the other discerning people who gather in the lair, I was bound to find another believer. He is most foul.

Cassondra said...

Tawny said:

I would so NOT plop my precious babies down on the lap of something that looks that mean!

Nope, uh uhn.

Um, well, of course, my kids scream bloody murder at the sight of Santa,


But Tawny, let's analyze this for a minute. You're a good mom. Santa, at least, has HISTORY. History that can be traced back for generations. He's benevolent. Giving. He has that hearty belly-roll laugh. Have you ever heard El Diablo Conejo so much as giggle? I, personally, have never heard him utter a word. He just sits there, grinning his buck-toothed grin, waiting. I think he's afraid to let us hear his voice or he'll lose his advantage. It probably sounds something like Darth Vader or the demon from The Exorcist GEEEETTTTT OOUUUUUUUUTTTT!!!!!

Cassondra said...

Helen said:

For me easter is time spent with the family and lots of chocolate


Oh, good Helen, you're playing it safe. I'm relieved. As kid-oriented as you are, I figured it would be too late for you. It was a close call, no doubt, with that one on the poster. And see? It's getting even more difficult for him to hide his true inner self. The Bunny Apocalypse could be just around the corner.

Cassondra said...

Caren said:

As a kid, I NEVER understood where the Easter Bunny came from.

Well, and isn't that just the crux of the problem? NOBODY KNOWS where he came from. I've heard several theories of origin, but I've seen no real proof--nothing scientific. It smacks of a cover up.

And look, you've kept the trend going. Virtually everyone eats the ears first. Except for me. The bunnies were always so cute, I wanted to preserve his face and ears, so I ate the feet first. Maybe that's why I was the one to seethe truth? I dunno.

Cassondra said...

Caren said:

Oh...and I did NOT buy stuff to make a basket for The Boy. Since he will be 23 in 10 days, I figured it was time to cut him loose! *g*


Caren, watch him closely. If he doesn't get his annual intake of bunny venom, it could be bad. He could begin to shift. Oh, WAIT! You never took him! GLORY Halleluja, he's one of the few who will be safe. I'd keep stock of his whereabouts though. If you see him spending large amounts of time at the mall in the next couple of days, check into it.

Barbara Monajem said...

Love those pics! Bunnicula and El Conejo Loco, step aside.

I'm addicted to Cadbury Creme Eggs, but if I cave and get a Dove bunny, I'll save the ears for last.

Cassondra said...

Hawk said:

No never sat on the E Bunny's lap or had a photo taken...my mom was a pagan.


Good for you. Another one, saved from the dark slide into the cult of El Diablo Conejo. Unless....have you had a chocolate bunny this year? His reach does extend through his minions.

I'm just sayin.

Cassondra said...

Deb Marlow said:

My kids have never sat on the bunny's lap. I think I did as a small child, but I have blocked the nightmare memory. :-)


It's okay Deb. We often do this when we're scarred by trauma. And you can't help it that your parents did this to you. You just be really REALLY careful. Eat an extra chocolate bunny--ears first, just to stifle the urges of your inner El Canejo.

Cassondra said...

Beth said:

Oh, my. I'm pretty sure I'm scarred for life after seeing those pictures, Cassondra - especially that second one (shudder)


Sorry about that. But my cause was urgent. I needed to make an impression ya know? To save the Banditas and buddies from an ill fate at the hands of El Diablo Conejo.

And good for you. By chance or by fate, you've barely squeaked by with yourself and your family intact. UNLESS....did your husband sit on El Conejo's lap? The genes, once altered, I fear can be passed on.

Cassondra said...

P226 said:

One year when he was very little, we took him to do the easter-bunny lap thing. He watched from afar with his little brows wrinkled down in keen observation (maybe, age two) for a good five minutes. He decided he wanted none of whatever strange ritual was occurring in the mall's center court. He let us know this with a head-shake, a "no" and a gesture towards the water fountains. He really liked those.

Clearly a most discerning and enlightened child. And do you see? After just getting CLOSE to El Conejo and the awful ritual, your boy felt the need for cleansing, and asked to go to the foutains. Yet more evidence.

Cassondra said...

Joanie said:

Are you trying to tell me, that my devotion to chocolate Baby Binks bunnies may be part of a subversive plan for bunny domination?

Yes.

When I was a junior in high school one of the girl's I hung out with (the one with the car) wanted to drive around as the Easter Bunny. So my own mother made her a suit and off we went cruising on the Saturday night before Easter.

Joanie, I don't know what to say. I had no idea that we had one of his closest minions in our midst--that one of our own had gone so far to the dark side. This calls for a meeting, and a plan. We MUST save you!

We need our Joanie clear-headed and whole!

Cassondra said...

terrio said:

And I couldn't believe how many adults came to sit on my lap. I kid you not!

Now you see the truth! Once you're converted to the cult, you do strange things for the rest of your life! And although you did wear the suit, you weren't REALLY HIM. And that's the trouble. How do we know which one is the real him?

So though I'd never do it again and I don't take my kiddo, I do have some respect for anyone willing to go through all that to make little kids happy.

Such a seductive play for sympathy on the part of El Conejo! And I almost fell for this one too, when I did that interview.

Cassondra said...

Oh, and Terrio, did a lot of kids scream and run, or did you have an extra-cute bunny outfit?

Cassondra said...

Okay all, gotta run out to my class. Be right back. It looks like we're going to need an intervention for Louisa. Not only was she exposed as a child, but so was her brother, and she's been WAY too close to the bloodbath this weekend. The screaming kids are a testament to the truth.

What can we do for her? Any ideas on how to cure someone who's been so desperately exposed? White chocolate bunnies perhaps? Eating a bunny feet first? What?

Kate Carlisle said...

ROTFL!! Oh, Cassondra, you made my day with your insane, fabulous post. I was just popping out of the cave to see what was going on in the world and now that I've seen the face of El Diablo, I'm going back!!

You truly are demented! Believe me, that's the highest of compliments!! LOL

Congrats, Jane! Enjoy your stroll in Central Park today. Sounds lovely! :-)

terrio said...

Cassondra - I don't remember one child screaming in fear. But if they were reluctant, I didn't push. Even as a teen, I knew this would be a bad idea. LOL!

flchen1 said...

LOL! Eeek on the Easter Bunny--I was never taken to see him/it as a child, and have yet to drag my children to visit. We've colored eggs and done hunts, and those chocolate bunnies? Bring 'em on!

Congrats on the GR, Jane!

Donna MacMeans said...

LOL Cassondra - fun post!

I have pictures of me visiting Santa Claus, but nothing with a giant rabbit. The closest I can come is to my cute 5 year old self holding an Easter basket in my new spring coat and full Indian headress *g*.

I never took the kids to sit on the rabbits lap. They weren't fond of six foot tall animals generally. We did color eggs when they were little, and I bought massive amounts of candy - about half of which actually made it in their baskets. But the kids aren't little anymore so...alas...no bunny baskets this year.

Yes - I bite the ears off those chocolate rabbits with glee. It is only retribution as their kinfolk have been chewing my spring flowers down to nubs.

Nancy said...

Jane, congrats on grabbing the rooster!

Cassondra, I have no memories of going to visit the Easter bunny. I do have pictures of me in new dresses for Easter Sunday, and I remember Easter baskets.

The boy got Easter baskets when he was really little, but not after that. We once took him to a party where a costumed Easter bunny appeared. The kids weren't afraid but also weren't interested.

We used to dye eggs and have neighborhood hunts in our backyard when he was little. When I was little, the local Lions Club had an Easter egg hunt for the town, and we dyed eggs.

I bet lots of eggs moved in April. :-)

Cassondra said...

P226 said,

Documentary... LOL, Monty Python is a documentary...

Hey, at least you recognized the shot. I wondered if anybody would. But...don't impugn my sources. I think, like The Davinci Code, this film was meant to send a message...there was a reason for the repeated theme, "Run Away, Run Away!!!!"

Cassondra said...

Louisa said:

Of course they knew who was in the suit - this cute 20 year old guy who works in the photo lab. That might explain their eagerness to have their photo made.

Well, YEAH. They KNEW it wasn't the real El Diablo Conejo. It was a hottie in a freakin' SUIT. But the poor kids. Just the sight of him must have brought the poor kids back to some primitive, instinctive need for self-preservation. They KNOW, I'm telling you.

Of course, the 20-year-old hottie could be working undercover for El Conejo. One never can truly tell. Until it's too late.

Cassondra said...

Barbara Monajem said:

I'm addicted to Cadbury Creme Eggs, but if I cave and get a Dove bunny, I'll save the ears for last

Barbara, I think this is the safest way. I really am beginning to think it's got something to do with the ears. Maybe there's a high concentration of bunny venom in the ears? I dunno. Sneaky, isn't it?

Cassondra said...

Kate Carlisle said:

You truly are demented! Believe me, that's the highest of compliments!! LOL

Ha! Compliment you say? I'm concerned. If you think I'm demented, this can mean only one thing. You have been touched by El Canejo. I'm seeing the need for yet another intervention. Sven! Bring some Lindt bunny feet over here. Cut the ears off before you bring the bunny!

Cassondra said...

terrio said:

But if they were reluctant, I didn't push. Even as a teen, I knew this would be a bad idea. LOL!


Thank GOD there are a few like you in the world--undercover for the side of the light--refusing to force the disease on reluctant children. Good for you.

Cassondra said...

flchen 1 said:

I was never taken to see him/it as a child, and have yet to drag my children to visit.

Oh, good. (wipes brow as yet another "saved" Buddy steps into the lair and checks in. And so glad you haven't let El Conejo at your little ones.

But as to the bunnies...what PART do you eat first? Ears or feet?

Cassondra said...

Donna said:

But the kids aren't little anymore so...alas...no bunny baskets this year.

But don't forget, in case there are grandchildren in your future. NEVER FORGET.

Yes - I bite the ears off those chocolate rabbits with glee. It is only retribution as their kinfolk have been chewing my spring flowers down to nubs.

Indeed. I think, perhaps, we might have found the slayer--the one called to protect the rest of us-to save us from El Canejo. The one to thwart his vile plan.

Cassondra said...

Nancy said:

We once took him to a party where a costumed Easter bunny appeared. The kids weren't afraid but also weren't interested.


See, this theme just keeps re-surfacing. The KIDS aren't interested, or don't want anything to do with El Conejo. It's the ADULTS who want this.

Seriously, I always wonder what this is--this need to force these experiences on our kids. I don't know one adult who cares that THEY didn't get their picture made with The Easter Bunny, but they seem determined that their kids will have this experience--will worship at the throne of Conejo. It's one of those things that make me go "hmmmmm." I don't have kids, and so do not understand this urge, but apparantly it's a strong and widespread one. More indication that El Diablo Conejo's rabid plan is moving forward at a steady pace.

Joan said...

{Hiiiiiissssssss} Um, I mean Cassondra whatever do you mean?

I go to work early. Seriously, I've seen the real Easter Bunny...several of them in fact (ok, so a couple were smooshed on the road)but the scattered jelly beans and splattered marshmallow eggs are sound evidence.

It wasn't near Easter, but one dashed under my car one morning.

There's a reason they're called "Thumper"

As to chocolate re-creations of the master....er, I mean E.B. They must be hollow. They must be cold from the refrigerator. The ears must be nibbled off first and then the candy eyes popped off.

There is no other way.....

{wiggles nose}

Pissenlit said...

Okay, that was one seriously scary post. LOL! I definitely do not like people dressed up in giant Easter bunny suits...then again, I don't like giant anything suits! :D

And mmmmm...chocolate bunnies? I really don't care if I start at the ears first as long as I get some...hahaha! But yes, probably start at the ears.

Cassondra said...

Joanie said:

As to chocolate re-creations of the master....er, I mean E.B. They must be hollow. They must be cold from the refrigerator. The ears must be nibbled off first and then the candy eyes popped off.

There is no other way.....

{wiggles nose}


Demetrius!!!! Bring the others, quick! We need to quarrantine Joanie! She's going over the EDGE! We'll have to force-feed her a solid dark chocolate bunny, feet FIRST!!!! Maybe that'll stabilize her until we can get real help!

Cassondra said...

Pissenlit said:

I definitely do not like people dressed up in giant Easter bunny suits...then again, I don't like giant anything suits! :D


Ah. Yet another who's on the side of the light. Well..except for the lack of care as to which way to eat the bunny.

THere are a FEW giant suits that I like. I like the cute cows who stand out and wave signs in front of chick-fil-a that say "Eat mor chikin" and I like Big Red, the Western Kentucky University mascot, who LOOKS like a big red suit, but is not. Big Red is real.

I like suits who wave at you from the sidewalk as you drive by--but maintain a discreet distance. No subtle attempts to steal your soul or make you sit on their laps for other reasons.

Joan said...

Wha...what's happening? {Looks in mirror} My teeth! I had braces to take care of those...{squints} FANGS??!!!!!

Cassondra said...

Joanie said:

I had braces to take care of those...{squints} FANGS??!!!!!

Joanie, HANG ON HONEY! We're getting help.

Demetrius, hurry! And Sven, bring an appletini. No, that's for me. Okay, bring Joanie one too. If you're going over the edge, you might as well enjoy it after all.

Pissenlit said...

Cassondra - Normally, I'm okay with the ones waving on the sidewalk while I'm driving past 'cept last year, I saw someone in a giant taco suit waving at traffic in front of a Taco Bell...I'm not sure how I feel about that...after all, it was a giant waving taco...the giant waving taco may have also been holding a sign. Now, if I were to go eat at Taco Bell(not happening anytime soon), would that be bordering on cannibalism?

Cassondra said...

Pissenlit said:

Now, if I were to go eat at Taco Bell(not happening anytime soon), would that be bordering on cannibalism?


Well, see, you've opened a whole 'nuther subject. Y'all know about those old cults--the ones that required human sacrifice and all that? Well....how far ARE WE from that, if El Diablo Conejo requires his followers to EAT CHOCOLATE EFFIGIES OF HIMSELF? I'm telling you, it smacks of religious fanaticism. And it's infiltrated much of the world! How many chocolate bunnies are sold each Easter season? And we munch away, happily buying into and consuming the "food of life"--the chocolate bunny representation of....well, I have to stop. The symbolism just keeps coming to light.

And as to the giant waving taco...That's just WRONG on SO many levels..no, I'm not even gonna go there. Not.

Cassondra said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Cassondra said...

Whoops, sorry about the multiple posts there.. Dunno why it does that sometimes.

Pissenlit said...

It's a conspiracy. I blame the giant bunnies and tacos.

Pat Cochran said...

Hi, Cassondra,

We never did the mall bunny photo
thing when our children were small, mainly because that was not begun until after they were in their teens. As far as I know, the grandchildren have not been exposed to El Conejo Diablo and his environs! Lots of chocolate
conejos have always been among the
goodies in the children's baskets.
I am proud to say that the conejos
purchased for the grandchildren
are still living and well. They
have managed to avoid the grasping
Grandma's hands that reside in
this house!!!

Pat Cochran

Jeanne (AKA The Duchesse) said...

Chocolate...snork...graven images...snork...evil Easter bunny...SNORK!!!

I am ROFLMAO. You rock.

Congrats Jane on the rooster. Be glad HE's not a holiday, sit-on-my-lap creature. I shudder to think...

Now off to read the comments.

PinkPeony said...

Hi Cassondra!

The scent of vinegar always makes me think of dyeing eggs at Easter. I'll be hiding plastic eggs in the front courtyard this Sunday for an egg hunt and now I'm wondering if I shouldn't dye eggs...but the prospect of eating egg salad for a week isn't too appealing.

I almost ordered a bunny suit for my husband to wear for the kids but after reading your post, I'm rather glad I didn't.
As for devouring the chocolate bunny...ears first!
Happy Easter!

Cassondra said...

Pissenlit said:

It's a conspiracy. I blame the giant bunnies and tacos.



Hey, it's better than any reason I can come up with...

Of course, if it IS a conspiracy and the Bunny is involved, then that means he's even MORE powerful and has MORE of an insider network than I previously realized.

Cassondra said...

Pat said:

As far as I know, the grandchildren have not been exposed to El Conejo Diablo and his environs!

Good for you, Pat! For keeping your kids and grandkids out of the clutches of El Conejo!

Lots of chocolate
conejos have always been among the
goodies in the children's baskets.
I am proud to say that the conejos
purchased for the grandchildren
are still living and well.


Well, that means that you may be the least compromised of ALL of us! You've protected your kids and grandkids, you did not sit in the lap of El Diablo, and now, you're even managing to resist the lure of his chocolate likeness! I am impressed. Maybe you could tell us the secret of your outstanding strength?

Virginia said...

Congratulations Jane WTG! I am so glad you got the rooster, have fun with him today!

They didn't have Easter Bunnies to see when we where growing up. We may have had baskets when we were young but as we got older we used to get a fruit egg every year and I never liked them. I always wanted a chocolat bunnie. I never took my son to see the easter bunny either. He always set his same basket it out every year and I would fill it up with goodies.

Cassondra said...

Jeanne said:

Chocolate...snork...graven images...snork...evil Easter bunny...SNORK!!!


Ah, laugh now, complacent unbeliever, but when El Diablo Conejo comes for your little ones, you'll thank me for warning you.

Besides, you already told me you think he's creepy. No backing out of it now.

Cassondra said...

Pink Peony said:

I'll be hiding plastic eggs in the front courtyard this Sunday for an egg hunt and now I'm wondering if I shouldn't dye eggs...but the prospect of eating egg salad for a week isn't too appealing.

Of COURSE you should dye eggs. It's a creative outlet that's visual. It's good for your writing. There. I gave you a good excuse. And I'm not even lying. A couple of boiled eggs here and there, and you'll end up with a dozen gone in no time. Poof.

I almost ordered a bunny suit for my husband to wear for the kids but after reading your post, I'm rather glad I didn't.

Oh, you poor dear. Do you realize how close you came to falling into his TRAP???? What a narrow escape. I'm so glad your children will not fall victim to this strange mutation of religion and Halmark.

Cassondra said...

Virginia said:

They didn't have Easter Bunnies to see when we where growing up.

Virginia, consider yourself one of the lucky ones. You were born and grown up before the cult of El Diablo Conejo was strong. Now, there would be little hope.

We may have had baskets when we were young but as we got older we used to get a fruit egg every year and I never liked them. I always wanted a chocolat bunnie.

Virginia, why wouldn't they get you a chocolate bunny? My husband always wanted stuff for Christmas and never got it either. They'd get him something similar that cost just as much, but not what he wanted.

I never took my son to see the easter bunny either. He always set his same basket it out every year and I would fill it up with goodies.

This is what I did. I wonder if it's a Kentucky thing? And good for you on saving your son. He's a better person now, for not being exposed when he was little--and is far less likely to fall victim to the Evil Bunny.

Loucinda McGary aka Aunty Cindy said...

ROFLOL!!! What a GREAT post, Cassondra!

YES! YES! We must fight against El Diablo Conejo where ever we can!!! I see Demetrius and the other gladiators have Joanie bound to a shield and are force feeding her solid dark choccie bunnies FEET first. I'm SURE we're not too late...

I never included a visit to the bunny for myself or the LC (Lovely Child), who hated Santa so no WAY would he tolerate a 6 ft rabbit.

I LOVED coloring eggs as a child and colored eggs with my LC until he absolutely REFUSED to participate any more (I think he was about 16) and whomever mentioned the smell of vinegar making them think of Easter... ME TOO!

We always got dressed up to go to church on Easter Sunday -- new dress, hat, shoes, GLOVES! Afterward, we went to the park for a picnic with all the cousins (the only other time we saw all of them as at Thanksgiving). Usually our brand new clothes got grass stained and generally messed up. Wonder how my mother ever put up with all that?

AC
P.S. Congrats on snagging the GR, Jane!

Pat Cochran said...

Cassondra,

There's method to my madness! I put
the conejos and all the other goodies into a closet. I usually end up forgetting which closet I used, thus disabling any "plans" to nibble a bit here and there! Then Honey and I have to search the closets to find those "wily wabbits" so I can fill all the baskets!

Pat Cochran

Joan said...

Hop...Hop...Hop....

THUMP...

Cassondra said...

Auntie Cindy said:

We always got dressed up to go to church on Easter Sunday -- new dress, hat, shoes, GLOVES! Afterward, we went to the park for a picnic with all the cousins (the only other time we saw all of them as at Thanksgiving).

Oh, we did this too! Easter, and one time during the holidays were the only "guaranteed times" to see everybody from all parts of the country. Since Kentucky was in the middle, they always came to us, rather than us travelling for holidays.

And I'm SO glad you were spared the exposure to El Conejo. You and your son have been able to live free, and now that his scheming has come to light, you don't have to worry, all becaue of your foresight. Good job.

Cassondra said...

I gotta tell y'all, taking a Spanish class has totally screwed up my spelling.

Cassondra said...

Pat said:

I put
the conejos and all the other goodies into a closet. I usually end up forgetting which closet I used, thus disabling any "plans" to nibble a bit here and there!


Pat, excellent plan. I may have to adopt this method.

Cassondra said...

Joanie said:

Hop...Hop...Hop....

THUMP...



Demetrius! Tie her down again! More bunnies--extra-dark chocolate this time. Oh..and another appletini for me please...hic.

Joan said...

What? Where am I? Cassondra? {Waves hands blindly through air} Is that you? Oh, thank goodness Bandita! You've saved me.

Hey, what's this on my bum? Cotton? Why does it smell like appletini's in The Lair?

No, Demetrius! Those pellets aren't mine!

Cassondra said...

Joanie said:

Hey, what's this on my bum? Cotton? Why does it smell like appletini's in The Lair?

No, Demetrius! Those pellets aren't mine!


SNORK! SNORK AGAIN!

Caren Crane said...

It's been conejo madness in the Lair today. Man, I'll be glad when those pictures are pushed down the blog. They're bound to give me nightmares!

Oh, favorite memory from Easter: camping impatiently outside the living room door until Mama said we could hunt for eggs. We would grab our baskets and race around the house looking for eggs. Some of them were never found until months later. Fortunately, they were all sugar, so they didn't rot or anything. *g* I loved the egg hunt!

Cassondra said...

Caren said:

Some of them were never found until months later. Fortunately, they were all sugar, so they didn't rot or anything. *g* I loved the egg hunt!


Posh, you hunted INSIDE? Didn't you guys hide and hunt for colored eggs outside at all? I never had an indoor egg hunt. Interesting.

Pat Cochran said...

Cassondra,

When it's Easter Sunday, the eggs
are all dyed and ready, the children are standing in front of you with woe-begone looks on their faces & baskets in hand and it's pouring down rain with heavy thunderstorms in the day's forecast, oh, yes! It's time
for an indoor egg hunt. We've had
to pull out the fillable, plastic
eggs, which I keep on stand-by in a closet for such an occasion. We
use the plastic eggs just in case
an egg remains unfound! BTW, I'm
getting those special eggs down
tomorrow, the forecast in Houston
calls for rain all day long for
Sunday!!!

Pat Cochran

Suzanne Welsh said...

A little late, but it's been a long day! Laughed mysself silly with this post, Cassondra!

And while I'm safe from El Diablo Conejo, never ever took the kids, I am easily subdued by a bag of candy coated Hershey's eggs....Sigh, thank God Easter is next week!