Pay Attention

by Cassondra Murray

I’m about to tell you a secret.

It’s the secret, I think, to why we fall in love with heroes, both fictional and real. I think it’s the secret to romance.

We’re approaching Valentine’s Day, and to illustrate the secret, I’m going to tell you about one of my best romantic gifts ever. It was from my husband, a few years after we were married. Now let me preface it by saying he’d made his share of blunders in previous years. There was the anniversary when he gave me a rug.

Yes, a rug.

Poor fellow. He’s learned a lot since then.

But this best year ever, he left me a note that asked if I would pick up something for him at an office downtown at 11:00 in the morning. I went. The receptionist handed me a wrapped box with my name on it.


Inside was a set of lingerie from Victoria’s Secret and a note that told me to go to a florist around the corner. The florist gave me a bouquet of gorgeous wildflowers and a note that told me to go to my chiropractor’s office. The chiropractor’s receptionist gave me another box with another gift and another note. That one sent me next door to the massage therapist for an hour-long massage.

V-day. The day that men dread. The one day of the year specifically dedicated to that thing most men find completely baffling—romance.

But if you think about it, romance, in all of its forms, boils down to one thing. When we’re dating and falling in love, this one thing comes naturally. Men do it with great focus, and to that focus, if there’s any chemistry at all, women respond with intense passion. It’s irresistible, you see, this one thing that is ultimately romantic.

I’ve already told you what it is.

The one thing guaranteed to bring about romance is….paying attention.

Once we’re in a committed relationship we tend to forget that. We begin, perhaps, to take one another for granted a bit. Or maybe we get too busy. Life gets in the way. Maybe we get lazy.

This next week, roses will go for three times the normal price because demand is so high. But honestly, is it really ROSES we want? I don’t think so, though they are lovely and wonderful to receive. It’s not chocolate either, though that never hurts. Jewelry isn’t a bad substitute, but that’s what it is—that's what they all are--substitutes. Tokens. Material attempts to say what we feel--or at least what we want to feel.

Paying attention is how we’ll know what to give to our beloved on the day set aside for romance. Paying attention is what will make the gift work, because really, the true gift--the gift only the loved one can give-- is the attention. The tokens we give—the dinner out, the evening in, the meal cooked and served—that’s the external indicator. It’s very telling that people run
around like mad at the last minute looking for something….ANYTHING….to give to their love for Valentine’s Day. Those people haven’t paid attention, and often the gift will be nice but will….well…it’ll ring just a tad hollow.

Because it’s the attention we crave. That undivided attention we got from our mate when we first discovered one another. That belief that we were truly interesting enough to arouse deep passion in another person. Having someone know us at a level far deeper than surface. To be known—to be seen—and to be loved and appreciated. That’s addictive. We want it, and we never stop wanting it.

I’ll remember that scavenger hunt forever because he cared enough to pay attention to what would make a wonderful day for me, when I hadn’t even asked for anything. Wasn’t expecting anything. It was stunning, and I was speechless.


Here's that ad again....the one I used in my Killer Kisses blog last fall. Really now, does this guy look like he's thinking about the football playoffs?

Sometimes it comes down to something as simple as turning off the tv. If you're a guy, the first time you kissed her, I’m betting you didn’t have one eye on CNN.

Ladies, The first time he kissed you, I bet you weren’t worried about who’d get off the island on Lost. The first time, I bet you were looking at, and thinking about, each other.

All those novels we Banditas write--and the ones we ALL devour as though they were the very air we breathe? Those heroes tend to be...well...focused...on the heroine. And I think part of the fix we get from the stories is living out the fantasy of having that undivided attention many of us haven't experienced since we were dating. Based on the entertainment men frequently choose, I have to wonder if part of the fix for them is also the fantasy of having someone who's not just hot, but hot specifically for them. Maybe, maybe not.

Could that be the secret to rekindling that first-time feeling? Remembering to really look at one another again, inside and out? Stopping long enough to pay attention?

So how about you, Bandita friends? What’s the most romantic thing someone’s done for you?

Have you done something incredibly romantic for someone else—something he or she LOVED?

What sets your senses tingling and captures your focus like nothing else?

What’s your idea of an incredibly romantic, but real-life, here-and-now possible date? And what about it makes it romantic? Is it the setting? Is it the person you’re with?

How do you recapture the romance in the craziness of modern life?

When was the last time you, or your significant other really, truly paid attention?

Is there a character in a novel that stops your heart and takes your breath because.....he's paying attention?